So I was thinking about another haiku, but thought, "Why not get adventurous?" The picture my wife inserted below notwithstanding, in general I have been fairly conservative in my blogging. So tonight, I'm branching out. I'm going to attemp a Septolet. A septolet, you ask, "What is that?" Well, I'll tell you:
The Septolet is a poem consisting of seven lines containing fourteen words with a break in between the two parts. Both parts deal with the same thought and create a picture.
So here goes. My first ever attempt at a Septolet:
Buzzing
Fiercly biting
Causing itchy pain
Mosquito armies
attack relentlessly;
my porch
the battleground.
And now, my own invention, a monolet:
Was that a racoon that just ran across my driveway or are the rats getting bigger?
Monday, September 29, 2008
Sunday, September 28, 2008
fondue anyone?
Friday p.m. we went out for Rebekah's birthday to a new place down in Sundance Square called Simply Fondue. It was pretty pricy, but the atmosphere and food were really FUN! And so was the company. We forgot to take pics at the restaurant, but we took this at 1 a.m. to document that Rebekah did turn 30! Candice (on L) and Rebekah (on R) are two of my closest buddies - we've shared a LOT of coffee, prayer, and laughs over the last couple of years! These sweet friends have challenged me to love Jesus and my family.
my men
Yesterday, my men went out to a friend's deer lease to shoot guns. They had fun and now we've got something on both of their Christmas lists...
it's time for some pictures (okay, a lot of pictures)
I just think that a blog with no pictures becomes quite BORING (unless, of course, you've got a spouse who is into haikus, but he was slacking until earlier tonight - by the way, for those of you who were anxiously awaiting a new one, he graciously supplied you with a new one following all my pictures)! So anyway, I just downloaded various pics from the last month. Gives you a little glimpse into our lives! I was going to go to bed about an hour ago. I've been a little sick with a cold and I'm feeling pretty crummy and a bit depressed (I don't know why - I'm a woman, do I need to?). My husband left over an hour ago to go find someone to talk to about Jesus down at the lake. No, I'm not joking. He invited me to come - he forgot we have 6 sleeping people here who might miss us if they woke up! :) I'm assuming that either he found someone to talk to or he's been abducted and I'll never see him again. When do you think I should worry and call the police... In case you're thinking that I'm married to the craziest, most wonderful man on the planet, I am! Never a dull moment with him around! I think I'll go to bed now!
BUT OH, WAIT! My man is home! He says that he talked to Burt and Donnetta (married 25 years) all that time. He wants me to ask you faithful blog readers to pray for them. Well, now that we know my husband is not missing, I think I'll really go to bed! :)
BUT OH, WAIT! My man is home! He says that he talked to Burt and Donnetta (married 25 years) all that time. He wants me to ask you faithful blog readers to pray for them. Well, now that we know my husband is not missing, I think I'll really go to bed! :)
It's just a laugh-a-minute around here with Haiku Man...
Yes, that is his underwear - I really don't have a CLUE what he was doing. I suppose you'd have to be a Haiku author to understand this mind...
Byron and Royce
It's hard to tell, but this is Byron at one of his football games. We love this kid!
Byron's brother, Royce, is a sophomore now and we love being with him too! He'll be driving soon - AHHH!
Byron's brother, Royce, is a sophomore now and we love being with him too! He'll be driving soon - AHHH!
the Albrights
A couple of weeks ago, our friends from Croatia came over and hung out for dinner. We were in training school with James and Laura several years back and we loved catching up with them before they returned to Zagreb. Their girls Lizzie and Becca were adorable and our kids enjoyed playing together all night! We love the Jesus-lovin' Albrights!
I found the kids all watching a video on the computer and realized that it was the one played at Connor's funeral. It made me cry to even hear the music. They still miss him and talk about him often.
I found the kids all watching a video on the computer and realized that it was the one played at Connor's funeral. It made me cry to even hear the music. They still miss him and talk about him often.
Muddy Mighty Men
A few weeks ago, the Mighty Men enjoyed playing a little flag football in the mud at their weekly meeting. My boys are now going every week - they were sort of adopted as "mighty men in training" this summer after helping with the mowing project. I love that they get to spend this time with their dad.
A haiku, you say?
Soft sweet baby hands
On my keyboard gently type
While I write haikus.
The original haiku read something like this:
ta'thoihyaweth
thg;ahkltweeh.ehthj t ehs
;athes
What I'm noticing is that when I sit on the floor to type haikus while the baby is crawling around he likes to type with me. It can get frustrating. The only reason I got this one finished is that he slipped and hit his head on the bench, so now his mom is holding him.
He's still crying. I'm thinking maybe I should hug him. . .
OK, he's better now.
On my keyboard gently type
While I write haikus.
The original haiku read something like this:
ta'thoihyaweth
thg;ahkltweeh.ehthj t ehs
;athes
What I'm noticing is that when I sit on the floor to type haikus while the baby is crawling around he likes to type with me. It can get frustrating. The only reason I got this one finished is that he slipped and hit his head on the bench, so now his mom is holding him.
He's still crying. I'm thinking maybe I should hug him. . .
OK, he's better now.
Friday, September 26, 2008
nothing significant to say
The thing about a blog is that it really works best if you write on it daily. The problem is that some days I just don't have anything profound to say. I'm sitting with my kids watching some cartoon about a bear with the sniffles. It's not exactly stirring my mind to think deep, heart-stirring thoughts. Actually, I'm tired enough that I don't know if I can even type anything coherent.
Tomorrow I'm taking Josiah and Luke to a friend's ranch to shoot guns and do guy stuff. The problem is that we don't own any guns. We'll probably just watch the other guys shoot their guns. That should be fun.
Anda is out with friends for a birthday party. I miss her. It's been five minutes already.
Well, I told you I didn't have anything significant to say. You didn't believe me, did you? You thought for sure there would be some witty or profound statement about life or parenthood or how to save the world and restore the nation's economic stablility, but alas, there's nothing. You should believe me next time and just skip down to re-read Anda's novel about why we've decided to keep having kids until the older ones put us in the nursing home.
Tomorrow I'm taking Josiah and Luke to a friend's ranch to shoot guns and do guy stuff. The problem is that we don't own any guns. We'll probably just watch the other guys shoot their guns. That should be fun.
Anda is out with friends for a birthday party. I miss her. It's been five minutes already.
Well, I told you I didn't have anything significant to say. You didn't believe me, did you? You thought for sure there would be some witty or profound statement about life or parenthood or how to save the world and restore the nation's economic stablility, but alas, there's nothing. You should believe me next time and just skip down to re-read Anda's novel about why we've decided to keep having kids until the older ones put us in the nursing home.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
a few thoughts about life and the poor
Hmmm....the last thing I should be doing is BLOGGING right now! It's 10 a.m., my kids are running around doing who-knows-what, the baby is waking up, laundry is waiting for me, and the kitchen - well, let's just say that it's waiting for me too. No wonder I'm blogging. :)
Let's talk about the tooth fairy for a minute. I'm good at a lot of things as a mom. I feed my children, they are usually appropriately dressed, and I haven't lost any of them (yet). But there is one area in which I have almost NEVER succeeded as a mother - leaving the tooth fairy gifts in a timely fashion. I'm not kidding - it's like the same tape played over and over again. My children joyfully lose a tooth, I congratulate them, they repeatedly talk about how the tooth fairy is going to visit that p.m., and then I forget until the following a.m. when they wonder why she failed to visit them! This a.m. was the same story. Luke lost one of his front teeth last p.m. - this, I'm sure you would agree, is one of the most important teeth to receive recognition for. They ALL know I stink at my job, so he was giving me the not-so-subtle obligatory reminder before bed. I forgot again. This a.m. I was frantically running around trying to sneak a dollar under his pillow and getting McKenna to write him a note. I told her that I hope she's a better tooth fairy than I am someday. At my funeral, my kids will still be laughing about how I was the worst tooth fairy ever - I just hope none of them are in therapy....
Here's one thing I think I'm beginning to see about the "poor". Maybe I'm thinking about it because Christmas is "just around the corner." I think what actually triggered this thought process was a women's Bible study that I'm a part of right now. I was flipping ahead and noticing that Proverbs 31 was "broken down" as the woman talked about running our homes. The verse that talks about opening her arms to the poor and extending her hands to the needy was listed with all the other verses, but there doesn't appear to be any explanation about how to do that. Now, in all fairness, I haven't seen the video for that week so she may talk about it more than it appears in the notes that I already have. But the only discussion I see about the poor in the whole study is in a comment later about doing an outreach in your neighborhood, having each person bring a toy for the needy (which will be distributed later). Here's what I'm realizing. The poor in America really don't need our stuff (One of the poorest families I've ever met in Como (this was a few years ago) had more clothes in their tiny apartment than I've probably ever owned in my lifetime). They need us. They actually need our arms and our hands. They need relationship with us. In that relationship, we will naturally discover what the actual physical needs are because often there are many. But I think the church in America has gotten into the comfortable habit of alleviating our guilt for ignoring the poor by buying a bunch of gifts, dumping them on their doorsteps, and then never seeing them again. I know - I used to do this all the time. This is not to say that things like Angel Tree and organized giving projects like this do not have their place (we're actually doing a big Angel Tree thing this year in our cell/church and the coordinators of this project have done a phenomenal job of organizing this and are helping many churches build relationship with the families of prisoners). Certainly, they do benefit people. But if we stop there and never build any relationship, we have failed miserably. But there is a good reason for ignoring the Prov 31 description of the woman who opens her arms and extends her hands - the verse implies that we have to TOUCH people (literally and figuratively) and this is messy, inconvenient, and hard. Even now, living in the middle of the "poor", I find myself still maintaining a "healthy"distance sometimes because if I get too involved, I have to DO something. :) I think for me, another reason that I used to do nothing was because I just didn't know where to start or how to build these kind of relationships. I think this is true of so many believers - they want to help, but the thought of where to begin is overwhelming. Just go somewhere where people are involved with and serving the poor. Pray that God will show you. This is a prayer He will answer quickly - His heart is for the poor. Randy preached a sermon a few months ago and pointed out that we have to go to them - not many are going to come knocking on our doors for this relationship.
I don't know why I'm writing about this - I think it's that when you've been in one social class your whole life, you tend to make judgments/assumptions about the ones of which you're not a part (upper, middle, and lower classes ALL do this). I guess this is just one of many of mine that is being shattered as I'm just seeing the tip of the iceburg of what Jesus means when He says to love the poor. Sometimes I wish we could ignore this part of God's Word (but it's such a darn BIG part)! But my last word has to be GRACE, GRACE, GRACE! We're all on a journey to see the heart of Christ and He's so merciful and gracious to us! Praise Him for His goodness!
Gotta go! My sweet people are hungry and letting me know about it!
Let's talk about the tooth fairy for a minute. I'm good at a lot of things as a mom. I feed my children, they are usually appropriately dressed, and I haven't lost any of them (yet). But there is one area in which I have almost NEVER succeeded as a mother - leaving the tooth fairy gifts in a timely fashion. I'm not kidding - it's like the same tape played over and over again. My children joyfully lose a tooth, I congratulate them, they repeatedly talk about how the tooth fairy is going to visit that p.m., and then I forget until the following a.m. when they wonder why she failed to visit them! This a.m. was the same story. Luke lost one of his front teeth last p.m. - this, I'm sure you would agree, is one of the most important teeth to receive recognition for. They ALL know I stink at my job, so he was giving me the not-so-subtle obligatory reminder before bed. I forgot again. This a.m. I was frantically running around trying to sneak a dollar under his pillow and getting McKenna to write him a note. I told her that I hope she's a better tooth fairy than I am someday. At my funeral, my kids will still be laughing about how I was the worst tooth fairy ever - I just hope none of them are in therapy....
Here's one thing I think I'm beginning to see about the "poor". Maybe I'm thinking about it because Christmas is "just around the corner." I think what actually triggered this thought process was a women's Bible study that I'm a part of right now. I was flipping ahead and noticing that Proverbs 31 was "broken down" as the woman talked about running our homes. The verse that talks about opening her arms to the poor and extending her hands to the needy was listed with all the other verses, but there doesn't appear to be any explanation about how to do that. Now, in all fairness, I haven't seen the video for that week so she may talk about it more than it appears in the notes that I already have. But the only discussion I see about the poor in the whole study is in a comment later about doing an outreach in your neighborhood, having each person bring a toy for the needy (which will be distributed later). Here's what I'm realizing. The poor in America really don't need our stuff (One of the poorest families I've ever met in Como (this was a few years ago) had more clothes in their tiny apartment than I've probably ever owned in my lifetime). They need us. They actually need our arms and our hands. They need relationship with us. In that relationship, we will naturally discover what the actual physical needs are because often there are many. But I think the church in America has gotten into the comfortable habit of alleviating our guilt for ignoring the poor by buying a bunch of gifts, dumping them on their doorsteps, and then never seeing them again. I know - I used to do this all the time. This is not to say that things like Angel Tree and organized giving projects like this do not have their place (we're actually doing a big Angel Tree thing this year in our cell/church and the coordinators of this project have done a phenomenal job of organizing this and are helping many churches build relationship with the families of prisoners). Certainly, they do benefit people. But if we stop there and never build any relationship, we have failed miserably. But there is a good reason for ignoring the Prov 31 description of the woman who opens her arms and extends her hands - the verse implies that we have to TOUCH people (literally and figuratively) and this is messy, inconvenient, and hard. Even now, living in the middle of the "poor", I find myself still maintaining a "healthy"distance sometimes because if I get too involved, I have to DO something. :) I think for me, another reason that I used to do nothing was because I just didn't know where to start or how to build these kind of relationships. I think this is true of so many believers - they want to help, but the thought of where to begin is overwhelming. Just go somewhere where people are involved with and serving the poor. Pray that God will show you. This is a prayer He will answer quickly - His heart is for the poor. Randy preached a sermon a few months ago and pointed out that we have to go to them - not many are going to come knocking on our doors for this relationship.
I don't know why I'm writing about this - I think it's that when you've been in one social class your whole life, you tend to make judgments/assumptions about the ones of which you're not a part (upper, middle, and lower classes ALL do this). I guess this is just one of many of mine that is being shattered as I'm just seeing the tip of the iceburg of what Jesus means when He says to love the poor. Sometimes I wish we could ignore this part of God's Word (but it's such a darn BIG part)! But my last word has to be GRACE, GRACE, GRACE! We're all on a journey to see the heart of Christ and He's so merciful and gracious to us! Praise Him for His goodness!
Gotta go! My sweet people are hungry and letting me know about it!
Monday, September 22, 2008
Thoughts on being "charismatic"
I go through phases. Sometimes I pull back from trying to listen to God. I think mostly I'm just selfish and I don't want to obey him. I start getting comfortable with my life, and I just sort of tune him out. It seems to work OK for awhile, but always I find myself bored and unsatisfied. A sense of distance from God gradually comes over me. It's a very vague sense; not like I'm in some great sin that would cause shame and humiliation if it were found out. It's more like I'm just existing with God. Like when I go for days on end without really sitting down with Anda to talk about our lives together.
I feel like I've been in a season of passive resistance to God. The last week or so, I've noticed a change. I'm listening again. Maybe it's the 60/60 experiment our church is doing where we set our watches to beep every 60 minutes for 60 days to remind us to be constantly turning to God. Maybe it's the book I'm reading about Jimmy Seibert and the crazy things he has done in his journey with God. Whatever it is, I like it.
It's pretty unstable to follow God. I can't be certain about very many things. He might tell me to do things that will endanger a friendship or my finances. He might lead me to say something offensive or culturally inappropriate. He might inconvenience me by sending on a task that wasn't a planned part of my schedule. The great thing, though, is that what isn't shaken up is made stronger. When the Israelites stood on the other side of the Red Sea, none of them doubted that God was real. We start doubting when we stop seeing him work, and we stop seeing him work (most of the time) when we stop responding to his specific words. But as we obey His specific words for us and see Him work through us, we know with certainty that this great God of the Bible is King of today, just as he was back then.
I was telling McKenna tonight that we don't have to choose between loving the written word of God and listening to his specific words to us. I have a super-high view of scripture. It is the true eternal spoken word of God, and it can never be changed or minimized. I also have a super-high view of hearing God's specific words to me. That's often how I know where to go and what to do moment by moment.
So call me a flaming charismatic. Last month that description may have bothered me a bit, but not tonight. Tonight I'm desperate for God. I want His presence, and not just his precepts.
Our family is reading through Exodus right now, and yesterday we read chapter 33. It shook me up. I saw my sin, and repented. The chapter picks up after the Israelites had built a gold cow and called it God. Understandably upset, God made a deal with them. I believe many if not most American Christians have taken God up on this deal. He said (basically) "I will send you into the promised land and give you all that I said I would. I will even send my angel with you. You can have all of it. The only catch is that I won't go with you."
I confess that I've taken God up on that deal. I've known that the path I was choosing was different than what God wanted, but I took it anyway believing that the end result would be worth it. I chose the blessing and set aside the Blesser.
We criticize the Israelites, but at least they were smart enough to see God's offer for what it was. My version of the Bible called it "dreadful news." They knew that even if they took over the whole earth without God, it was worthless. So Moses refused to go anywhere without God, and eventually talked God into coming along.
My resolve is to do the same. Won't you join me? Let's not take another step until we are certain that He is with us. Let's confess, repent, dig our heels in and say, "No, God! I won't move until you do.'' There aren't many times when God wants us to say no to Him, but when he offers to send us on a mission without Him no other answer will do.
(That's really the end of my post, but for those readers who are theologically flustered by my implication that we can be separated from God, let me assure you that I fully believe in the indwelling presence of the Holy Spirit in every believer. I use the above description to relate the practical implications of ignoring God's voice. Clearly it is possible to be filled with God's Spirit and yet live in a way that practically denies His presence and authority to direct our lives. The end result of such a lifestyle is in many ways the same as if He were absent.)
I feel like I've been in a season of passive resistance to God. The last week or so, I've noticed a change. I'm listening again. Maybe it's the 60/60 experiment our church is doing where we set our watches to beep every 60 minutes for 60 days to remind us to be constantly turning to God. Maybe it's the book I'm reading about Jimmy Seibert and the crazy things he has done in his journey with God. Whatever it is, I like it.
It's pretty unstable to follow God. I can't be certain about very many things. He might tell me to do things that will endanger a friendship or my finances. He might lead me to say something offensive or culturally inappropriate. He might inconvenience me by sending on a task that wasn't a planned part of my schedule. The great thing, though, is that what isn't shaken up is made stronger. When the Israelites stood on the other side of the Red Sea, none of them doubted that God was real. We start doubting when we stop seeing him work, and we stop seeing him work (most of the time) when we stop responding to his specific words. But as we obey His specific words for us and see Him work through us, we know with certainty that this great God of the Bible is King of today, just as he was back then.
I was telling McKenna tonight that we don't have to choose between loving the written word of God and listening to his specific words to us. I have a super-high view of scripture. It is the true eternal spoken word of God, and it can never be changed or minimized. I also have a super-high view of hearing God's specific words to me. That's often how I know where to go and what to do moment by moment.
So call me a flaming charismatic. Last month that description may have bothered me a bit, but not tonight. Tonight I'm desperate for God. I want His presence, and not just his precepts.
Our family is reading through Exodus right now, and yesterday we read chapter 33. It shook me up. I saw my sin, and repented. The chapter picks up after the Israelites had built a gold cow and called it God. Understandably upset, God made a deal with them. I believe many if not most American Christians have taken God up on this deal. He said (basically) "I will send you into the promised land and give you all that I said I would. I will even send my angel with you. You can have all of it. The only catch is that I won't go with you."
I confess that I've taken God up on that deal. I've known that the path I was choosing was different than what God wanted, but I took it anyway believing that the end result would be worth it. I chose the blessing and set aside the Blesser.
We criticize the Israelites, but at least they were smart enough to see God's offer for what it was. My version of the Bible called it "dreadful news." They knew that even if they took over the whole earth without God, it was worthless. So Moses refused to go anywhere without God, and eventually talked God into coming along.
My resolve is to do the same. Won't you join me? Let's not take another step until we are certain that He is with us. Let's confess, repent, dig our heels in and say, "No, God! I won't move until you do.'' There aren't many times when God wants us to say no to Him, but when he offers to send us on a mission without Him no other answer will do.
(That's really the end of my post, but for those readers who are theologically flustered by my implication that we can be separated from God, let me assure you that I fully believe in the indwelling presence of the Holy Spirit in every believer. I use the above description to relate the practical implications of ignoring God's voice. Clearly it is possible to be filled with God's Spirit and yet live in a way that practically denies His presence and authority to direct our lives. The end result of such a lifestyle is in many ways the same as if He were absent.)
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
too tired to blog, but maybe just a little...
Well, just wanted to let you all know that I'm still alive (barely). Just Kidding! I'm just so darn exhausted from this crazy carpet thing! I feel like we just moved. But I've got a large pile of stuff by my front door that will be leaving my house on Friday (garage sale and various others who will be the happy recipients of my JUNK) and I hope to eventually go through ALL the piles of paper that have been calling my name for months now.
Here's my latest thoughts about quiet time with Jesus. I suppose I grew up hearing about it a lot, but I never really had one. All my attempts were weak and short-lived until we moved to the metroplex and started hearing Jamey Miller talk about the importance of quiet time - MAYBE he's gone one week in a sermon without mentioning it, but I wonder.... Anyway, it has become a regular part of Randy's and my discipline, but has been pretty flat lately. I'm in this Bible study for women on Monday nights right now and this week's topic was quiet time. I confess that I was having a bunch of stupid and arrogant thoughts about how I didn't need to hear about it from some random lady on a video. I've got this thing down, right? Have mercy on me, O God, a sinner! :) Here are some random things that were said by women in my church or on the video Monday p.m. "If you knew God was really in the next room, would you waste any time in going in there to see Him?" Then why do we come up with all these excuses about being too tired or not having time - those things would seem irrelevant if we knew that God in the flesh was in the next room. Another thing that struck me was the speaker's point that the whole purpose of your quiet time is to see Jesus. Memorizing scripture, reading your Bible, prayer, etc. are all good but are pretty irrelevant if you don't connect with Him. She used the analogy of looking through a telescope. What's the point of looking through one if you don't see the stars? Likewise, what's the point of reading the Word of God if, at the end, you haven't seen Jesus? Again, these are things that we all know are true, but as I've really meditated on how I treat other appointments (i.e. if I have a date scheduled with my husband, I'm not dragging my feet and dreading it when it's time to go!) and how I view my "appointment" every a.m. with Jesus, I've been disappointed with what I see! Is this God's fault? Obviously not. What I'm seeing is that the reason we don't desire Him more is because we don't know who or what we're missing. He is infinitely more satisfying and beautiful and delicious and glorious and wonderful and encouraging and joyful than any person on the planet EVER! When I'm seeing Him as He really is, life just seems to be "as it should be". Oh God, take this weak faith and breath your life into it!
Here's my latest thoughts about quiet time with Jesus. I suppose I grew up hearing about it a lot, but I never really had one. All my attempts were weak and short-lived until we moved to the metroplex and started hearing Jamey Miller talk about the importance of quiet time - MAYBE he's gone one week in a sermon without mentioning it, but I wonder.... Anyway, it has become a regular part of Randy's and my discipline, but has been pretty flat lately. I'm in this Bible study for women on Monday nights right now and this week's topic was quiet time. I confess that I was having a bunch of stupid and arrogant thoughts about how I didn't need to hear about it from some random lady on a video. I've got this thing down, right? Have mercy on me, O God, a sinner! :) Here are some random things that were said by women in my church or on the video Monday p.m. "If you knew God was really in the next room, would you waste any time in going in there to see Him?" Then why do we come up with all these excuses about being too tired or not having time - those things would seem irrelevant if we knew that God in the flesh was in the next room. Another thing that struck me was the speaker's point that the whole purpose of your quiet time is to see Jesus. Memorizing scripture, reading your Bible, prayer, etc. are all good but are pretty irrelevant if you don't connect with Him. She used the analogy of looking through a telescope. What's the point of looking through one if you don't see the stars? Likewise, what's the point of reading the Word of God if, at the end, you haven't seen Jesus? Again, these are things that we all know are true, but as I've really meditated on how I treat other appointments (i.e. if I have a date scheduled with my husband, I'm not dragging my feet and dreading it when it's time to go!) and how I view my "appointment" every a.m. with Jesus, I've been disappointed with what I see! Is this God's fault? Obviously not. What I'm seeing is that the reason we don't desire Him more is because we don't know who or what we're missing. He is infinitely more satisfying and beautiful and delicious and glorious and wonderful and encouraging and joyful than any person on the planet EVER! When I'm seeing Him as He really is, life just seems to be "as it should be". Oh God, take this weak faith and breath your life into it!
Saturday, September 13, 2008
house turned upside down
My extremely sweet and generous parents decided to bless us with new carpet for our entire house! I LOVE it. I just want to stay on the floor all day! It really changes the look of our house because it's much darker, but we needed DARK for obvious reasons. Today begins the challenge of trying to put everything back together. I confess that I'm a bit overwhelmed!
I think we didn't mention that we now are owners of a minivan! Some of our friends from church needed a bigger car for their growing family (a familiar story for us :)) and we definitely didn't need two suburbans! So now Dr. Brown. This is a pretty boring post - maybe we'll get some carpet pics later.
I think we didn't mention that we now are owners of a minivan! Some of our friends from church needed a bigger car for their growing family (a familiar story for us :)) and we definitely didn't need two suburbans! So now Dr. Brown. This is a pretty boring post - maybe we'll get some carpet pics later.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
A love haiku
I was sitting at dinner with the family tonight and the majority of the kids were complaining about the stir fry. I decided to change the subject, so of course I brought up haikus. McKenna, amazingly, had just written a couple of haikus in her creative writing class this week. (No kidding!) So McKenna and I composed a haiku together over dinner.
Anda tuned out and focused on the vegetable complaints, but McKenna and I persevered to the end.McKenna thought the last line was about kids, so when she heard the word kiss she renounced the entire haiku. But I wanted to share it with you, my blog-reading buddies, as a tribute to my beloved wife.
Water in a lake
Still as death, now rolls to life
Mirroring our kiss.
For those of you who are confused about my fascination with the haiku, let me give you a little background. A haiku is a Japanese poem of 3 lines. There are 5 syllables in the first and last lines and 7 in the middle one. A haiku usually describes a common scene in nature and never rhymes.
The above haiku describes a calm moment at the lake where the perfectly still water is shaken by the passion of a lovers' kiss between my wife and I as we stand together on the dock. Beautiful scene, isn't it? Don't you wish you lived on Lake Como like us?
Anda tuned out and focused on the vegetable complaints, but McKenna and I persevered to the end.McKenna thought the last line was about kids, so when she heard the word kiss she renounced the entire haiku. But I wanted to share it with you, my blog-reading buddies, as a tribute to my beloved wife.
Water in a lake
Still as death, now rolls to life
Mirroring our kiss.
For those of you who are confused about my fascination with the haiku, let me give you a little background. A haiku is a Japanese poem of 3 lines. There are 5 syllables in the first and last lines and 7 in the middle one. A haiku usually describes a common scene in nature and never rhymes.
The above haiku describes a calm moment at the lake where the perfectly still water is shaken by the passion of a lovers' kiss between my wife and I as we stand together on the dock. Beautiful scene, isn't it? Don't you wish you lived on Lake Como like us?
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Balance
I find the concept of balance to be quite elusive. Jesus did it perfectly, of course, but I don't think his life had the appearance of balance to most outsiders. Once His family tried to come and take him back home, but they couldn't get to him because the house he was in was crammed full of people. At other times His mass of followers wanted to make him their king, but he kept slipping away into solitude.
I'm afraid I tend to do the opposite. I often let the lure of my friends and family pull me away from the hurting, and I let the draw of the masses keep me so busy that I lose sight of God.
So how do I find balance? I hear God. I tune my heart to the sound of Holy Spirit and I let Him move me however he wants. It's hard. I don't feel like I'm doing so well at it right now. When God tells me to slow down and be with him and I start feeling bored, I know I am not right. When I get too busy to sit down with Jesus and hang out with Him in the morning, I know I'm off track. And when I just want to ignore the plight of the people around me and watch TV or read a book I know I've lost my bearings.
I've been praying that God will humble me so I can move in his rhythm.
I'm afraid I tend to do the opposite. I often let the lure of my friends and family pull me away from the hurting, and I let the draw of the masses keep me so busy that I lose sight of God.
So how do I find balance? I hear God. I tune my heart to the sound of Holy Spirit and I let Him move me however he wants. It's hard. I don't feel like I'm doing so well at it right now. When God tells me to slow down and be with him and I start feeling bored, I know I am not right. When I get too busy to sit down with Jesus and hang out with Him in the morning, I know I'm off track. And when I just want to ignore the plight of the people around me and watch TV or read a book I know I've lost my bearings.
I've been praying that God will humble me so I can move in his rhythm.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Just one more thing about that car...
I forgot to write about how thankful I am for the grace of God in not experiencing any fear this time! With our other car break-ins (sp?) and thefts I experienced a LOT of fear afterwards. I was nervous at p.m. and kept checking out my windows, etc. (this was in our "nice" neighborhood). I realized yesterday that I never even thought twice about the incident in regard to fear and this was interesting to me. Even tonight, RB won't be home until 11 or 12 and I feel no fear. SO thankful that God's grace really is always sufficient and that He gives peace that surpasses all understanding.
Senior Pictures?!
I was privileged to be able to take a friend's senior pictures this weekend. I was extrememly intimidated, but it was good motivation for me to really learn about my camera! Anyway, after over 500 shots, I got a few good ones. For those of you who know Jamey and Kim Miller, this is their daughter, Emily. She is a beautiful woman of God and has gotten a FULL scholarship next year to play basketball at ACU! Go Emily! We can't BELIEVE she is a senior! When we moved here, she was even younger than McKenna!
We are breaking the "car curse!
I'm sure many of you are thinking that it was inevitable that we would have our cars broken into in the "hood" eventually, but the sad thing is that this is the FIFTH car incident we've had since we've been married! My car was stolen in San Antonio years ago right after we moved there for med school. Then when we lived in the nicest neighborhood we've ever lived in, we had both our cars broken into and all our CDs stolen. About 3 years ago, Randy's car was stolen in that same neighborhood. Well, this time I was STUPID and basically posted a sign inviting a drug seeker to get some easy cash. We had this great little GPS that Randy's mom had given him for his birthday and in my haste to get in the house Saturday p.m. I forgot to bring it in. So it was lit up at night just waiting for someone to take it. Unfortunately, they also broke into Ms. Murray's car too, which made us really sad. She just kept saying that she's never had anyone bother her car in all her 60+ years here. Here's the good news (and obvious evidence that God is INCREDIBLY gracious to me): I had been taking some pictures for some friends of ours that night and had left my VERY nice telephoto lens (given to me by my mother-in-law) and my PURSE in the back of the suburban. PRAISE JESUS it was still there!! They never even opened the car doors. God is good.
Monday, September 8, 2008
I just put Isaac down about 10 minutes ago. I spanked him about 7 minutes ago. Malachi is crying. Someone is blowing a whistle. McKenna should be doing homework, but instead is wandering around looking for a lost fleece in case she gets cold in school tomorrow. Luke called me to tell me Josiah was off his bed. I just reflexively went to Isaac's bed to give him a spanking, and he said, "Dad, why aw you spanking me? I didn't get off my bed." I apologized and asked Josiah why he got off the bed. It was because Isaac was throwing his doll at Luke, so Luke threw his doll across the room, then Josiah (who was engrossed in a book and had no idea what was going on) got up to get Isaac his doll. I told them not to throw dolls anymore.
Anda's at a Bible study tonight to learn how to be a good mom, but I guarantee you I'm learning more tonight about being a good mom than she is. I have decided I'm a terrible mom, and I'm ok with that.
Malachi is still crying. I'd better stop writing. Too bad, too, because I was hoping to try my hand at a haiku about rain.
Anda's at a Bible study tonight to learn how to be a good mom, but I guarantee you I'm learning more tonight about being a good mom than she is. I have decided I'm a terrible mom, and I'm ok with that.
Malachi is still crying. I'd better stop writing. Too bad, too, because I was hoping to try my hand at a haiku about rain.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Randy's journey
Here's my summary of my experience of the whole birth control saga. Anda said, "I think we should stop using birth control." I said, "OK, as long as abstinence is not an option."
Seriously, Anda is a little worried that she may have offended people with her novella. So I am offering a brief, non-offensive and condensed version of her story in the following haiku:
Kids like winter snow
God invites us to his joy--
We run out of beds.
It really probably doesn't help anyone to feel less judged or offended, but I had fun writing it.
I think we are learning a lot through this whole process, but we don't think we've got it all figured out. If anyone reading this blog feels judged, please don't. We are on a journey that is making us think all kinds of crazy things. If we were going to start judging, we would be stuck judging ourselves about so many things, that we'd honestly never really get around to judging you. Just wait until I start blogging about the other stuff I'm starting to question.
Praise God for his grace.
Seriously, Anda is a little worried that she may have offended people with her novella. So I am offering a brief, non-offensive and condensed version of her story in the following haiku:
Kids like winter snow
God invites us to his joy--
We run out of beds.
It really probably doesn't help anyone to feel less judged or offended, but I had fun writing it.
I think we are learning a lot through this whole process, but we don't think we've got it all figured out. If anyone reading this blog feels judged, please don't. We are on a journey that is making us think all kinds of crazy things. If we were going to start judging, we would be stuck judging ourselves about so many things, that we'd honestly never really get around to judging you. Just wait until I start blogging about the other stuff I'm starting to question.
Praise God for his grace.
some tough questions
As i was praying this a.m. I was thinking about several of the tough questions that arise when you start thinking about this whole birth control issue. One huge one, esp. in America, is the issue of financial provision. The verse that "Judy" always points out when that comes up is Psalm 27:35 - "I was young and now I am old, yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging bread." But what about all the suffering children that have been born into REALLY crummy circumstances (and we know several)? I even read recently that Mother Theresa actually taught natural family planning to people on the streets of Calcutta because she had seen too many children dying. I also remember that when we first started hanging out in Como several years ago there was a family with four kids and their lives were TERRIBLE. When I found out that the mother was pregnant again, I remember telling Randy that she was a good argument for birth control. But I guess the next questions becomes, would the world have been better off if these children had never existed? Were any of our Mighty Men born in less than ideal circumstances? Yes. But how are these guys going to change the world? And which one do I wish had been "controlled" and never born? There was a guy from Africa that spoke at our church several months ago. He was thrown in the trash twice as an infant because they thought he was too sickly and not worth caring for. An aunt finally got him out and now he's being used POWERFULLY in the kingdom of God. But the justice issue is tough - we can't even bear to ponder the situations of SO many kids that we're around all the time.
Another question is about the mom's health - that's one of those things that I think everyone has to hear God on because there really are some situations in which it really would be life-threatening for a woman to get pregnant again.
There are probably others. I was just thinking that I didn't want to ignore the fact that, like anything, it's not perfectly "cut and dried."
I feel like this got kind of heavy! :) I promise to post something a little more light-hearted and tonight! It shouldn't be hard with this crew!
Another question is about the mom's health - that's one of those things that I think everyone has to hear God on because there really are some situations in which it really would be life-threatening for a woman to get pregnant again.
There are probably others. I was just thinking that I didn't want to ignore the fact that, like anything, it's not perfectly "cut and dried."
I feel like this got kind of heavy! :) I promise to post something a little more light-hearted and tonight! It shouldn't be hard with this crew!
Friday, September 5, 2008
children are a blessing - part 3 :)
Oh, the beauty of a quiet house when everyone has finally fallen into bed...:) By the way, it's 9:15 p.m. right now. I was noticing that the times on my post are way off - not sure why, but I haven't been writing at the funky times that it's saying I am.
So, where was I? Oh yeah, the history of birth control. I won't say too much because I'm just in the beginning stages of reading up on this and haven't read extensively. Here's what I would recommend reading if you want to get a taste of what happened (I'll just mention a little here because it's a lot of info): just get on Wikipedia and read about Margaret Sanger or get any books about her or you could read the one RB and I were looking at that p.m. in the library called Blessed are the Barren (don't remember the author). Basically, in the early 1900's there were actually laws (the Comstock Laws, I believe) that completely forbade the distribution, sale, or importing of birth control or even information about birth control. Now this alone was a shocking fact to me. It had never even occurred to me that something like birth control had ever even been considered immoral, but it was by most everyone. Actually, it was still considered illegal in some states, one as late as the 1960s! We read quotes from the Washington Post about how terrible it was after its introduction. This woman, Margaret Sanger, a godless champion of birth control and eugenics, founded what later became Planned Parenthood. Her primary motivation for promoting birth control was to prevent the reproduction of "unfit" people. She was a racist and actually paid off black doctors to speak in Harlem because she wanted to limit reproduction of African Americans. Here is a quote which she cites in one of her books: "Ignorance, poverty, and vice must stop populating the world. To accomplish this there is but one way. Science must make woman the owner, the mistress of herself. Science, the only possible savior of mankind, must put it in the power of woman to decide for herself whether she will or will not become a mother." (from a book called Woman of Valor: Margaret Sanger and the Birth Control Movement in America by Ellen Chesler). This just doesn't sound anything like God to me. :) Our pastor often talks about how we're like fish swimming in our culture and sometimes we've been swimming in it for so long that we don't even realize that it's not normal in the kingdom of God. Therefore, it takes effort to break out of the current and swim upstream. That p.m., I felt like God was showing us that we had been swimming in a cultural "norm" for so long that we had never even stopped to question whether it was the "norm" in the REAL kingdom! I sat there with my mouth literally hanging open and I just kept saying, "I've got to go home and throw them away (condoms)." (FYI, I haven't been on the BC pill since before McKenna was born because it messed me up!) We made it to the car and I started crying. Randy kept cracking witty little jokes and then would try to calm down and respond sensitively. It just all seemed right to him and made him happy and so he truly wasn't upset. I'm actually VERY thankful for this - I don't know what I would've done if God had shown only one of us.
In the car, I went into "argue-with-God" mode and began throwing out my 1001 reasons why this was a BAD idea! Here is the abridged list:
-what will people THINK about us; not to mention what they'll SAY!
-only WEIRD people have huge families and don't "believe" in birth control!
-we're never going to be "free" to do all the things we want to do
-I can't give everyone what they need emotionally
-what if we run out of money to support everyone
-our kids will be upset, esp. McKenna
-I'll have to drive some WEIRD car like a 15-PASSENGER VAN!
-I cannot handle being pregnant one more time.
-I could be having kids for another 10-15 years - or LONGER!
-what if I have one with Down's Syndrome - after all, I'm considered "high-risk" now
-no one is ever going to invite us over for dinner again - there will be too many of us
-I'm never going to be out of this baby stage
-I'm scared to death and I just can't do this
...really, I could have gone on and on, but I noticed that most of my reasons had to do with fear of man and my own selfishness and it was undeniable in my spirit that this was God. There was no way to say, "Okay, God, I can see where you're coming from, but I just think I'll stick to my original plan (which is a big fat joke because neither Isaac nor Malachi had been in my PLAN)!" Randy actually couldn't stop laughing that night about the fact that we were getting this revelation after SIX KIDS! God had literally had to run right over us the last couple of times. He was going to give us a big family whether we were in on it or not!
I went to bed that night replaying this new THING in my mind over and over and over again. When I woke up the next a.m., I literally thought it had been a dream it was so surreal. It was not. I had just stood at the top of Mount Everest the p.m. before, thrown out my arms and fallen backwards, surrendering the number of children we would have to Creator God. My only "comfort" at first was that He IS in charge which means that He can open OR close someone's womb whenever He wants to! That morning I went in to have my quiet time with Jesus, pretty eager to talk to Him about all of this. He just further hammered in the nails of truth to my heart so that I would not be able to doubt that it was Him. I began looking through the gospel of Mark, trying to find the passage when Jesus said, "Let the little children come to Me." I knew that if I wasn't convinced that GOD thought children were wonderful, then I NEVER would be able to fully embrace this plan. In Mark in my Bible, certain underlined verses jumped out at me. Here is what I saw, in this order:
"Don't be afraid. Just believe." Mark 5:36b
"You have let go of the commands of God and are holding on to the traditions of men."
Mk 7:8
And then there was Mark 9:33-37 which is the story about the 12 apostles arguing about who was the greatest among them. So Jesus gets them off by themselves and says "If anyone wants to be first, he must be the very last, and the servant of all." Then He has a little kid come and stand among them and says (with the child in His arms), "Whoever welcomes one of these little children in my name welcomes me; and whoever welcomes me does not welcome me but the one who sent me." It was like I had never read this story as it suddenly occurred to me that when Jesus told them they must be the servant of all, He didn't bring a poor man or a sick woman or a widow to plant in the middle of them...He brought a child. The servant of all. It looked like God was giving me the chance to be "first" by being the "servant of all" in my own home. Welcoming children is welcoming Jesus Himself, God Himself. This went further than my own family. This meant ALL children. Every kid that would show up at my door during the summer. Every child at Op Camp. God doesn't just value them a little.
By the way, Mark 10 contains the story of the little children coming to Jesus - I was so messed up by the time I finally got there that I didn't ponder that story very long!
And then there are other places (many, but I'll name just a few) that illustrate God's high value of children:
Psalm 127:3-5 - "Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from Him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one's youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. The will not be put to shame when they contend with their enemies in the gate."
There's that crazy story of Onan - I'll let you read that one on your own, but this is the only story I know of that literally addresses birth control and God struck him DEAD!?! (Genesis 38)
Deut 28:11 and 30:9 - talk about the Lord making the Israelites prosperous in the work of their hands and the fruit of their womb. There's a lot of this kind of talk all through the OT - it was always considered a blessing to have lots of children! In fact, it was considered a sign of prosperity. I don't see when God changed His mind on this - in America, WE did, due to the insidious lies of the Enemy. Randy is over here just reading scripture after scripture that have to do with God blessing His people - it almost always includes children. I've started noticing how often the exact opposite sentiment is expressed in our culture, both in Christian and non-Christian circles. I RARELY hear positive responses from people when they inquire about whether or not ALL these children are mine. I think we actually piously look down on families with many children as irresponsible and/or unenlightened. I should know - I was doing that just a few months ago (a little ironic since most wouldn't consider our family small).
We told our children that a.m. that God had showed us that we were supposed to have as many children as He wanted us to have. I don't know why I was surprised, but they were all very excited (Luke was a little confused - of course, God decides that sort of thing!). Josiah had been telling us since before Malachi's birth that we were definitely going to have Piper Joy later. I guess we'll see! :)
So here we are....I confess that it's been a roller coaster. This summer I usually had at least 8-10 kids in my house at least 4 days of the week. And there are always little trials along the way among our own children. Just about a month ago, I was really struggling with all of this again because I felt a bit "trapped" by the thought of continuing this season of pregnancy, small children, and PEOPLE around ALL the TIME!! But God has turned my heart quite a bit, even in the last week. I'm beginning to delight in everything they do. Watching how God has planted 8 different personalities in this family is fascinating. And it is such a picture of the Body of Christ. We all have different gifts and we really NEED each other. We have to learn to LOVE each other. There's just a lot of dying to self and who enjoys THAT! But God is continually showing us that it is worth it - now and for eternity. Stanley Shipp used to always say that "People are either in your life or in your way." I'm so ready to stop acting like my children are in my way.
Another thing I read recently that really encouraged me was a book called A Mom Just Like You by Vickie Farris. It's actually a book about homeschooling, but chapters 3 and 4 are about her journey in giving up birth control. And finally (God has just kept sending us these great resources to encourage us in this journey), a friend of mine sent me this sermon online a couple of weeks ago. It's a powerful message about home and family and presents an interesting view about youth ministry as well. Go to www.VoddieBaucham.org. Click on podcasts…scroll down to the message entitled “the centrality of the home". We couldn't argue a whole lot with Voddie.
I guess that's the story. I'm sure I'll remember some great little "nugget" that I left out and wished I hadn't. And I may regret having written any of this at all! I again just have to stress that my goal is not to make anyone feel guilty, etc. I just needed to share this story and I've really prayed a lot that this would be a testimony to God's goodness. May it bless you and may your children (if you have any little rewards from heaven) feel treasured and highly valued!
So, where was I? Oh yeah, the history of birth control. I won't say too much because I'm just in the beginning stages of reading up on this and haven't read extensively. Here's what I would recommend reading if you want to get a taste of what happened (I'll just mention a little here because it's a lot of info): just get on Wikipedia and read about Margaret Sanger or get any books about her or you could read the one RB and I were looking at that p.m. in the library called Blessed are the Barren (don't remember the author). Basically, in the early 1900's there were actually laws (the Comstock Laws, I believe) that completely forbade the distribution, sale, or importing of birth control or even information about birth control. Now this alone was a shocking fact to me. It had never even occurred to me that something like birth control had ever even been considered immoral, but it was by most everyone. Actually, it was still considered illegal in some states, one as late as the 1960s! We read quotes from the Washington Post about how terrible it was after its introduction. This woman, Margaret Sanger, a godless champion of birth control and eugenics, founded what later became Planned Parenthood. Her primary motivation for promoting birth control was to prevent the reproduction of "unfit" people. She was a racist and actually paid off black doctors to speak in Harlem because she wanted to limit reproduction of African Americans. Here is a quote which she cites in one of her books: "Ignorance, poverty, and vice must stop populating the world. To accomplish this there is but one way. Science must make woman the owner, the mistress of herself. Science, the only possible savior of mankind, must put it in the power of woman to decide for herself whether she will or will not become a mother." (from a book called Woman of Valor: Margaret Sanger and the Birth Control Movement in America by Ellen Chesler). This just doesn't sound anything like God to me. :) Our pastor often talks about how we're like fish swimming in our culture and sometimes we've been swimming in it for so long that we don't even realize that it's not normal in the kingdom of God. Therefore, it takes effort to break out of the current and swim upstream. That p.m., I felt like God was showing us that we had been swimming in a cultural "norm" for so long that we had never even stopped to question whether it was the "norm" in the REAL kingdom! I sat there with my mouth literally hanging open and I just kept saying, "I've got to go home and throw them away (condoms)." (FYI, I haven't been on the BC pill since before McKenna was born because it messed me up!) We made it to the car and I started crying. Randy kept cracking witty little jokes and then would try to calm down and respond sensitively. It just all seemed right to him and made him happy and so he truly wasn't upset. I'm actually VERY thankful for this - I don't know what I would've done if God had shown only one of us.
In the car, I went into "argue-with-God" mode and began throwing out my 1001 reasons why this was a BAD idea! Here is the abridged list:
-what will people THINK about us; not to mention what they'll SAY!
-only WEIRD people have huge families and don't "believe" in birth control!
-we're never going to be "free" to do all the things we want to do
-I can't give everyone what they need emotionally
-what if we run out of money to support everyone
-our kids will be upset, esp. McKenna
-I'll have to drive some WEIRD car like a 15-PASSENGER VAN!
-I cannot handle being pregnant one more time.
-I could be having kids for another 10-15 years - or LONGER!
-what if I have one with Down's Syndrome - after all, I'm considered "high-risk" now
-no one is ever going to invite us over for dinner again - there will be too many of us
-I'm never going to be out of this baby stage
-I'm scared to death and I just can't do this
...really, I could have gone on and on, but I noticed that most of my reasons had to do with fear of man and my own selfishness and it was undeniable in my spirit that this was God. There was no way to say, "Okay, God, I can see where you're coming from, but I just think I'll stick to my original plan (which is a big fat joke because neither Isaac nor Malachi had been in my PLAN)!" Randy actually couldn't stop laughing that night about the fact that we were getting this revelation after SIX KIDS! God had literally had to run right over us the last couple of times. He was going to give us a big family whether we were in on it or not!
I went to bed that night replaying this new THING in my mind over and over and over again. When I woke up the next a.m., I literally thought it had been a dream it was so surreal. It was not. I had just stood at the top of Mount Everest the p.m. before, thrown out my arms and fallen backwards, surrendering the number of children we would have to Creator God. My only "comfort" at first was that He IS in charge which means that He can open OR close someone's womb whenever He wants to! That morning I went in to have my quiet time with Jesus, pretty eager to talk to Him about all of this. He just further hammered in the nails of truth to my heart so that I would not be able to doubt that it was Him. I began looking through the gospel of Mark, trying to find the passage when Jesus said, "Let the little children come to Me." I knew that if I wasn't convinced that GOD thought children were wonderful, then I NEVER would be able to fully embrace this plan. In Mark in my Bible, certain underlined verses jumped out at me. Here is what I saw, in this order:
"Don't be afraid. Just believe." Mark 5:36b
"You have let go of the commands of God and are holding on to the traditions of men."
Mk 7:8
And then there was Mark 9:33-37 which is the story about the 12 apostles arguing about who was the greatest among them. So Jesus gets them off by themselves and says "If anyone wants to be first, he must be the very last, and the servant of all." Then He has a little kid come and stand among them and says (with the child in His arms), "Whoever welcomes one of these little children in my name welcomes me; and whoever welcomes me does not welcome me but the one who sent me." It was like I had never read this story as it suddenly occurred to me that when Jesus told them they must be the servant of all, He didn't bring a poor man or a sick woman or a widow to plant in the middle of them...He brought a child. The servant of all. It looked like God was giving me the chance to be "first" by being the "servant of all" in my own home. Welcoming children is welcoming Jesus Himself, God Himself. This went further than my own family. This meant ALL children. Every kid that would show up at my door during the summer. Every child at Op Camp. God doesn't just value them a little.
By the way, Mark 10 contains the story of the little children coming to Jesus - I was so messed up by the time I finally got there that I didn't ponder that story very long!
And then there are other places (many, but I'll name just a few) that illustrate God's high value of children:
Psalm 127:3-5 - "Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from Him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one's youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. The will not be put to shame when they contend with their enemies in the gate."
There's that crazy story of Onan - I'll let you read that one on your own, but this is the only story I know of that literally addresses birth control and God struck him DEAD!?! (Genesis 38)
Deut 28:11 and 30:9 - talk about the Lord making the Israelites prosperous in the work of their hands and the fruit of their womb. There's a lot of this kind of talk all through the OT - it was always considered a blessing to have lots of children! In fact, it was considered a sign of prosperity. I don't see when God changed His mind on this - in America, WE did, due to the insidious lies of the Enemy. Randy is over here just reading scripture after scripture that have to do with God blessing His people - it almost always includes children. I've started noticing how often the exact opposite sentiment is expressed in our culture, both in Christian and non-Christian circles. I RARELY hear positive responses from people when they inquire about whether or not ALL these children are mine. I think we actually piously look down on families with many children as irresponsible and/or unenlightened. I should know - I was doing that just a few months ago (a little ironic since most wouldn't consider our family small).
We told our children that a.m. that God had showed us that we were supposed to have as many children as He wanted us to have. I don't know why I was surprised, but they were all very excited (Luke was a little confused - of course, God decides that sort of thing!). Josiah had been telling us since before Malachi's birth that we were definitely going to have Piper Joy later. I guess we'll see! :)
So here we are....I confess that it's been a roller coaster. This summer I usually had at least 8-10 kids in my house at least 4 days of the week. And there are always little trials along the way among our own children. Just about a month ago, I was really struggling with all of this again because I felt a bit "trapped" by the thought of continuing this season of pregnancy, small children, and PEOPLE around ALL the TIME!! But God has turned my heart quite a bit, even in the last week. I'm beginning to delight in everything they do. Watching how God has planted 8 different personalities in this family is fascinating. And it is such a picture of the Body of Christ. We all have different gifts and we really NEED each other. We have to learn to LOVE each other. There's just a lot of dying to self and who enjoys THAT! But God is continually showing us that it is worth it - now and for eternity. Stanley Shipp used to always say that "People are either in your life or in your way." I'm so ready to stop acting like my children are in my way.
Another thing I read recently that really encouraged me was a book called A Mom Just Like You by Vickie Farris. It's actually a book about homeschooling, but chapters 3 and 4 are about her journey in giving up birth control. And finally (God has just kept sending us these great resources to encourage us in this journey), a friend of mine sent me this sermon online a couple of weeks ago. It's a powerful message about home and family and presents an interesting view about youth ministry as well. Go to www.VoddieBaucham.org. Click on podcasts…scroll down to the message entitled “the centrality of the home". We couldn't argue a whole lot with Voddie.
I guess that's the story. I'm sure I'll remember some great little "nugget" that I left out and wished I hadn't. And I may regret having written any of this at all! I again just have to stress that my goal is not to make anyone feel guilty, etc. I just needed to share this story and I've really prayed a lot that this would be a testimony to God's goodness. May it bless you and may your children (if you have any little rewards from heaven) feel treasured and highly valued!
favorite books
part #3 is coming when my kids are asleep, but before I forget I just wanted to post the titles of a couple of children's books that I just love (they're about the poor). The Quiltmaker's Journey and The Quiltmaker's Gift by Jeff Brumbeau. Beautiful stories.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
In light of the following posts, I just had to post these pics!
What if we had kept that appointment...children are a blessing - part 2 :)
I just need to say again that this is REALLY long and has WAY too many details!! This story really is so that Randy and I and our kids can someday read this and remember. Please feel free to skip all of this! It's ridiculously eternal! (and by the way, if you haven't read "part 1" you really need to before reading this one).
Okay, so I had another thought today about something I did a lot over my first 8-9 years of parenthood. I acted like my children were so difficult and made comments about it in front of people who were struggling through the pain of infertility. Oh my goodness. If you're reading this and you were one of those people, I apologize. UGH!
On to the rest of this saga! Randy and I went through a pretty serious marriage trial when Isaac was about 3 or 4 months old. It was shortly after this had begun that we had scheduled Randy's appointment for his vasectomy. Now that I think back on it, I am amazed at how many people asked us if we had gotten one yet (again, this is what all responsible couples do). The other day I was going through some stacks of papers on my desk and ran across the appointment sheet for his surgery - finding that is actually what inspired me to write this down. Anyway, for some reason I didn't understand at the time, I did not have peace about Randy getting a vasectomy, and it wasn't because I wanted more children. I absolutely did NOT! But I told him to cancel it because I just didn't have peace. Looking back, this was undoubtedly one of those times when I was hearing the voice of God and obeying it by His grace. He cancelled his appointment and we just went on with life and decided to deal with it later.
I continued to struggle through being a mom and we moved to Como during this time. I didn't plan on having any more children, but I couldn't seem to get that "final" sense of being done. Some of you mommas may know what I'm talking about - when you just know you're "done" having children. At the end of May 2007, my nephew Connor was tragically killed in a car accident. Three weeks later we were back at the lake with our friends the Connallys and I realized my period was late in a random conversation with Randy. I had miscalculated (by a week - everything had seemed like a blur with Connor's death). Let me just say that this was an extremely trying season. The Brown family was in the midst of a huge tragedy and we (esp. I) were in the middle of culture shock in Como. My grandmother had also become very sick and it looked like she would be passing away soon (she did end up passing away at the end of July). I had been really battling depression, so much so that Randy and I were in the middle of a week of prayer trying to decide if I should go on antidepressants. So anyway, on our way to the lake when I realized that I was late I began to get a bit panicky, although Randy and I were both almost positive that it would have been virtually impossible for me to be pregnant. He immediately attributed it to stress. I wasn't quite as convinced because I had never been late when I hadn't been pregnant. I tried to push it out of my mind and waited for my period, but by the following night when there were no signs, I dragged my best friend, Charlotte with me to the Brownwood Walmart to buy a pregnancy test. At the lake I locked myself in the bathroom, saw the positive line show up immediately, and just cried. Never before had I been sad about a baby, but I really thought the world was coming to an end. I just kept saying, "I can't be pregnant. I can't be pregnant." My sweet friend, Charlotte, was so encouraging, and praise God for a sweet husband who was truly happy and assured me that it was going to be okay.
The next a.m. I had sweet time with Jesus and all I could do was hold my hands up and know with absolute certainty that God was sovereign and HE was in control. I was just sure it was a girl because I had always felt like we were going to have a Piper Joy in our family. Well, here she was! Ha! :) Imagine my surprise (and honestly, more disappointment) when the sonogram showed that Malachi was no girl! Again, God was doing something in me about boys. I realized that I couldn't see myself as a "boy mom", even after having three of them! This all changed when I accepted the fact that I was about to have four boys. I began to believe that they were wonderful and that God knew that I needed them and they needed me. I confess that I "grieved" for a few days about not having another girl, but God's grace was available again and I began to get really attached to my new little boy (and still am :)).
The first couple of months were extremely difficult with my little Malachi. He, like all my other babies, was colicky during the late evening. I was very sleep deprived and rarely got opportunities to catch up on sleep because I had a lot of other people to take care of during the day! :) I sometimes thought I was going crazy during the middle of the night. I wasn't sure if I was going to make it out of this dark tunnel (I've always struggled quite a bit with post-partum yuck and this time was no different). But God knows what we can handle and He didn't let go. When Malachi was about 3 months old he became the most delightful little guy, sleeping through the night and generally happy. It was during this little season that God rocked my world with one of the most shocking revelations He has ever given. And He knew that if He had shown me these things at any other time I could not have dealt with it. But again, I have to back up a little bit...
One of my closest friends (let's just call her "Judy") and I had been having an ongoing dialogue over the past several months about birth control and the role of being on a mission as a mom, etc. She had started reading about IUDs and discovered that while they usually prevented union of sperm and egg, they didn't always. If there was an embryo, it just wasn't allowed to implant, so in essence, they could cause abortions. My doctor husband confirmed that this is true and they even learned this in medical school. This disturbed her for obvious reasons and so she had decided to have hers removed (and has since then also decided to leave conception in the hand of God). Soon, many of our LONG conversations concerned what God thought about birth control. I wasn't sure I really knew yet, but I also wasn't pondering it a whole lot (I didn't really have to - I had just had a baby and I was nursing). I did have this sense that we would not be getting a vasectomy. Somehow, it just hadn't made it on to our "radar" and Randy just wasn't too sure HE had peace about it this time. We just kept looking at Malachi....If OUR plans had been implemented, he wouldn't have been here (Randy likes to talk about how he would still be stuck inside of him head-butting a dead-end tube; that's my husband). That's what Judy and I couldn't stop thinking about - you just can't compare it to anything else - controlling whether or not life is allowed to exist. It's a really sobering and overwhelming thought when you really begin to think about it. And then it happened. I was in my bedroom one afternoon and I knew that I was going to have to make a decision about birth control, every form of it. I started crying out to God because I really didn't want to go there with Him - I think I was afraid of what He might say. So far, I hadn't been able to come up with any Biblical support FOR birth control and this scared me. Earlier during that week I had been praying that God would show me what I needed to surrender to Him - I was thinking it would be something like giving up my guest room for a homeless person or letting more neighborhood kids hang out at my house (I was reading Shane Claiborne so I was ready to take on the world, but God RARELY shows up in the ways we can imagine and this time was no different). I never DREAMED that THIS would be the way He would so faithfully answer my heart's cry. I had had a passing thought the day before that I would like to know the history of birth control in our country, but hadn't mentioned that to anyone. That night Randy had planned a date for us and he had planned a library trip after dinner (yeah, I know you're all jealous of our wild and crazy romance - hey, I love books and the man knows it! i really think maybe i missed my calling as a librarian...). I told him I wanted to read a little about birth control. We found several books, but the one Randy opened up to read was a history of Planned Parenthood. Have you ever had one of those moments with God when you feel as if the world stops and a veil is lifted? As it began to happen, I was thrilled to be in the middle of God's will for us, scared to death at what the implications of this new revelation would be, and so sorry for how my view of children had been just sinful for so many years. I just sat there sort of numb with my mouth open and trying not to lose it in the middle of the library....I'll give a little summary of the history in PART THREE (have mercy!)...
Okay, so I had another thought today about something I did a lot over my first 8-9 years of parenthood. I acted like my children were so difficult and made comments about it in front of people who were struggling through the pain of infertility. Oh my goodness. If you're reading this and you were one of those people, I apologize. UGH!
On to the rest of this saga! Randy and I went through a pretty serious marriage trial when Isaac was about 3 or 4 months old. It was shortly after this had begun that we had scheduled Randy's appointment for his vasectomy. Now that I think back on it, I am amazed at how many people asked us if we had gotten one yet (again, this is what all responsible couples do). The other day I was going through some stacks of papers on my desk and ran across the appointment sheet for his surgery - finding that is actually what inspired me to write this down. Anyway, for some reason I didn't understand at the time, I did not have peace about Randy getting a vasectomy, and it wasn't because I wanted more children. I absolutely did NOT! But I told him to cancel it because I just didn't have peace. Looking back, this was undoubtedly one of those times when I was hearing the voice of God and obeying it by His grace. He cancelled his appointment and we just went on with life and decided to deal with it later.
I continued to struggle through being a mom and we moved to Como during this time. I didn't plan on having any more children, but I couldn't seem to get that "final" sense of being done. Some of you mommas may know what I'm talking about - when you just know you're "done" having children. At the end of May 2007, my nephew Connor was tragically killed in a car accident. Three weeks later we were back at the lake with our friends the Connallys and I realized my period was late in a random conversation with Randy. I had miscalculated (by a week - everything had seemed like a blur with Connor's death). Let me just say that this was an extremely trying season. The Brown family was in the midst of a huge tragedy and we (esp. I) were in the middle of culture shock in Como. My grandmother had also become very sick and it looked like she would be passing away soon (she did end up passing away at the end of July). I had been really battling depression, so much so that Randy and I were in the middle of a week of prayer trying to decide if I should go on antidepressants. So anyway, on our way to the lake when I realized that I was late I began to get a bit panicky, although Randy and I were both almost positive that it would have been virtually impossible for me to be pregnant. He immediately attributed it to stress. I wasn't quite as convinced because I had never been late when I hadn't been pregnant. I tried to push it out of my mind and waited for my period, but by the following night when there were no signs, I dragged my best friend, Charlotte with me to the Brownwood Walmart to buy a pregnancy test. At the lake I locked myself in the bathroom, saw the positive line show up immediately, and just cried. Never before had I been sad about a baby, but I really thought the world was coming to an end. I just kept saying, "I can't be pregnant. I can't be pregnant." My sweet friend, Charlotte, was so encouraging, and praise God for a sweet husband who was truly happy and assured me that it was going to be okay.
The next a.m. I had sweet time with Jesus and all I could do was hold my hands up and know with absolute certainty that God was sovereign and HE was in control. I was just sure it was a girl because I had always felt like we were going to have a Piper Joy in our family. Well, here she was! Ha! :) Imagine my surprise (and honestly, more disappointment) when the sonogram showed that Malachi was no girl! Again, God was doing something in me about boys. I realized that I couldn't see myself as a "boy mom", even after having three of them! This all changed when I accepted the fact that I was about to have four boys. I began to believe that they were wonderful and that God knew that I needed them and they needed me. I confess that I "grieved" for a few days about not having another girl, but God's grace was available again and I began to get really attached to my new little boy (and still am :)).
The first couple of months were extremely difficult with my little Malachi. He, like all my other babies, was colicky during the late evening. I was very sleep deprived and rarely got opportunities to catch up on sleep because I had a lot of other people to take care of during the day! :) I sometimes thought I was going crazy during the middle of the night. I wasn't sure if I was going to make it out of this dark tunnel (I've always struggled quite a bit with post-partum yuck and this time was no different). But God knows what we can handle and He didn't let go. When Malachi was about 3 months old he became the most delightful little guy, sleeping through the night and generally happy. It was during this little season that God rocked my world with one of the most shocking revelations He has ever given. And He knew that if He had shown me these things at any other time I could not have dealt with it. But again, I have to back up a little bit...
One of my closest friends (let's just call her "Judy") and I had been having an ongoing dialogue over the past several months about birth control and the role of being on a mission as a mom, etc. She had started reading about IUDs and discovered that while they usually prevented union of sperm and egg, they didn't always. If there was an embryo, it just wasn't allowed to implant, so in essence, they could cause abortions. My doctor husband confirmed that this is true and they even learned this in medical school. This disturbed her for obvious reasons and so she had decided to have hers removed (and has since then also decided to leave conception in the hand of God). Soon, many of our LONG conversations concerned what God thought about birth control. I wasn't sure I really knew yet, but I also wasn't pondering it a whole lot (I didn't really have to - I had just had a baby and I was nursing). I did have this sense that we would not be getting a vasectomy. Somehow, it just hadn't made it on to our "radar" and Randy just wasn't too sure HE had peace about it this time. We just kept looking at Malachi....If OUR plans had been implemented, he wouldn't have been here (Randy likes to talk about how he would still be stuck inside of him head-butting a dead-end tube; that's my husband). That's what Judy and I couldn't stop thinking about - you just can't compare it to anything else - controlling whether or not life is allowed to exist. It's a really sobering and overwhelming thought when you really begin to think about it. And then it happened. I was in my bedroom one afternoon and I knew that I was going to have to make a decision about birth control, every form of it. I started crying out to God because I really didn't want to go there with Him - I think I was afraid of what He might say. So far, I hadn't been able to come up with any Biblical support FOR birth control and this scared me. Earlier during that week I had been praying that God would show me what I needed to surrender to Him - I was thinking it would be something like giving up my guest room for a homeless person or letting more neighborhood kids hang out at my house (I was reading Shane Claiborne so I was ready to take on the world, but God RARELY shows up in the ways we can imagine and this time was no different). I never DREAMED that THIS would be the way He would so faithfully answer my heart's cry. I had had a passing thought the day before that I would like to know the history of birth control in our country, but hadn't mentioned that to anyone. That night Randy had planned a date for us and he had planned a library trip after dinner (yeah, I know you're all jealous of our wild and crazy romance - hey, I love books and the man knows it! i really think maybe i missed my calling as a librarian...). I told him I wanted to read a little about birth control. We found several books, but the one Randy opened up to read was a history of Planned Parenthood. Have you ever had one of those moments with God when you feel as if the world stops and a veil is lifted? As it began to happen, I was thrilled to be in the middle of God's will for us, scared to death at what the implications of this new revelation would be, and so sorry for how my view of children had been just sinful for so many years. I just sat there sort of numb with my mouth open and trying not to lose it in the middle of the library....I'll give a little summary of the history in PART THREE (have mercy!)...
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
children are a blessing - part 1 :)
Well, I've been pondering how to write about this subject for months now and know that I have to write about it before I forget certain details of how God has moved dramatically in our hearts concerning children. I'm scared to death to write these thoughts down because it is not my intention at all to offend anyone or cause anybody to feel judged, etc. So please know that if you're reading this and start to feel condemned, etc., that is the enemy and NOT me! That is not my goal. However, I've also been thinking about how my life would have different if someone had shared these thoughts with me fifteen years ago. Who knows! I know that God's timing is perfect and I've loved seeing how He got us to where we are now. You also need to know that I'm not near as eloquent or witty as my beloved husband and this is going to be very long, so you might want to take a raincheck! ha!
Let's start with my childhood (I told you this was going to be long). As most of you know, I am an only child and had a pretty easy life growing up. I babysat occassionally and while I loved the idea of babies, the truth is that I wasn't very good with them, and I was EXTREMELY insecure about babysitting. Okay, I hated it. I always dreamed of having lots of children when I was dating this hot hunk of a boy in high school (that would be Randy Brown), but truthfully, I think that was just some funky fantasy world created by all those soap operas to which I was so painfully addicted (praise God for deliverance from that world)!! When we got married, we did what all good, responsible couples do - we got on birth control and planned on waiting the assigned 3-5 years before getting pregnant. In fact, when I started getting baby fever too early, we decided to get a dog instead. When we did decide to get pregnant, I honestly never really counted the cost or pondered what my goals/vision for parenting might be (I'm sure most of us don't). I just got pregnant. The following two pregnancies were much the same - I decided when and where I wanted to get pregnant and I was. I was in complete control (or so I thought - how arrogant). I was humbled quite a bit when it took me 8 months to get pregnant with Moriah. Looking back, this was the mercy of God at a very difficult time in our lives, but at the time, I was so annoyed that this whole deal wasn't working quite as easily as it had before. I was in control, right?! And it was in my perfect plan to have 4 children and be done! I feared that maybe God wasn't going to cooperate with me. Obviously, God had His own plan and our sweet Moriah was born at the beginning of 2004.
In the meantime, I was miserable. I was, on a certain level, pretty proud of myself for having four kids - the perfect number, too, two of each - but I really disliked motherhood in general. I went around kind of feeling sorry for myself because I had it so hard and no one could really expect me to do anything but survive because I had four young children! I guess I had always thought that I wouldn't struggle a lot with parenting because my kids would just kind of do what I wanted them to do....:) In reality, I didn't have a clue what I was doing or where I was going and I truly felt like they were "cramping my style" (I'm with you when you ask "What style?" It's not like I was on some great career path when I started having kids! ha!). My plans kind of centered around what I could do without my children - I started trying to figure out when I could get them into Mother's Day Out as soon as they were out of the womb. I stuck Moriah in one as soon as I could get her there. After all, I needed time to MYSELF in order to be a good mom to all these people. She was really just a baby when I did that.
I guess this journey sort of began with the mother's day out issue. After Isaac was born and we moved to Como, it became more of a pain to drive back and forth and interrupt schedules and so I took Moriah out in December of 2006. It was inconvenient to my schedule to keep her in, but this growing desire to be with her during this precious time had also begun to creep into my heart. I really have never regretted the decision to take her out. You always hear about how critical those first 4-5 years are to your children's development, etc. I guess I just realized that I didn't want to give that job to someone else, even if it was only for 10 hours a week. My affection for my babies was beginning to grow (it wasn't that I NEVER liked my children, don't get me wrong; but I would say that I felt irritated and inconvenienced MORE than I felt blessed the majority of the time).
But now we need to back up because I said we were done after Moriah and we now have 6 kids! :) I will never forget the morning I found out we were pregnant with our precious little Isaac. It was Easter a.m. 2005 and my friend, Tiffany, had mentioned to me the night before that maybe I was pregnant when I realized that I was late. I said she was crazy, but then began to get a little worried that maybe she wasn't. That morning in April, it started snowing. After dropping McKenna off early at church for a performance practice, I ran by Walgreens on my way home and grabbed a test. My family was loading up in the car for church as I quickly took the test and saw that it was positive. I was shaking like a leaf and no one but me and God knew about this little Easter surprise until we got to church. I wrote my husband a note during praise time and he did nothing but grin the rest of the a.m. I just remember saying to one of my dear mentors in my faith, "I can't have 5 kids!" And she responded, "I guess you can!" The thought of having five was overwhelming, but it was at this point that I began to believe that maybe a huge part of my role in life was to be a mom (I know it sounds CRAZY that I was just beginning to believe that, but it's true)! Up until this point, I think I still saw myself as an incompetent, insecure "babysitter" and not a real "grown up" who had been chosen as the mother of these sweet children. This view didn't change overnight and has only recently almost disappeared. So anyway, the move to Como was postponed (that's another big long story) and we happily awaited the birth of Isaac. Oh, one more thing about that. During my pregnancy with him, I was mostly embarrassed and defensive about being pregnant again. I almost always made sure that people knew that this hadn't been "planned". And if people said "Oh bless your heart" upon finding out I had so many children, I would wholeheartedly agree with them and encourage them to bless my poor pitiful self. I have no doubt that during this season of life, my children heard the message loud and clear that I was barely making it and they were the cause. (This makes me so sad to see this in writing now it makes me want to cry - but God's grace and mercy are HUGE!)
Life with 5 kids was crazy and I remember frequently asking God why He picked me to have so many children - I was just going to screw them up! I rarely, if ever, had days in which I felt I had done a good job. And I didn't enjoy my "job."
...to be continued sometime soon (it's bedtime)...
Let's start with my childhood (I told you this was going to be long). As most of you know, I am an only child and had a pretty easy life growing up. I babysat occassionally and while I loved the idea of babies, the truth is that I wasn't very good with them, and I was EXTREMELY insecure about babysitting. Okay, I hated it. I always dreamed of having lots of children when I was dating this hot hunk of a boy in high school (that would be Randy Brown), but truthfully, I think that was just some funky fantasy world created by all those soap operas to which I was so painfully addicted (praise God for deliverance from that world)!! When we got married, we did what all good, responsible couples do - we got on birth control and planned on waiting the assigned 3-5 years before getting pregnant. In fact, when I started getting baby fever too early, we decided to get a dog instead. When we did decide to get pregnant, I honestly never really counted the cost or pondered what my goals/vision for parenting might be (I'm sure most of us don't). I just got pregnant. The following two pregnancies were much the same - I decided when and where I wanted to get pregnant and I was. I was in complete control (or so I thought - how arrogant). I was humbled quite a bit when it took me 8 months to get pregnant with Moriah. Looking back, this was the mercy of God at a very difficult time in our lives, but at the time, I was so annoyed that this whole deal wasn't working quite as easily as it had before. I was in control, right?! And it was in my perfect plan to have 4 children and be done! I feared that maybe God wasn't going to cooperate with me. Obviously, God had His own plan and our sweet Moriah was born at the beginning of 2004.
In the meantime, I was miserable. I was, on a certain level, pretty proud of myself for having four kids - the perfect number, too, two of each - but I really disliked motherhood in general. I went around kind of feeling sorry for myself because I had it so hard and no one could really expect me to do anything but survive because I had four young children! I guess I had always thought that I wouldn't struggle a lot with parenting because my kids would just kind of do what I wanted them to do....:) In reality, I didn't have a clue what I was doing or where I was going and I truly felt like they were "cramping my style" (I'm with you when you ask "What style?" It's not like I was on some great career path when I started having kids! ha!). My plans kind of centered around what I could do without my children - I started trying to figure out when I could get them into Mother's Day Out as soon as they were out of the womb. I stuck Moriah in one as soon as I could get her there. After all, I needed time to MYSELF in order to be a good mom to all these people. She was really just a baby when I did that.
I guess this journey sort of began with the mother's day out issue. After Isaac was born and we moved to Como, it became more of a pain to drive back and forth and interrupt schedules and so I took Moriah out in December of 2006. It was inconvenient to my schedule to keep her in, but this growing desire to be with her during this precious time had also begun to creep into my heart. I really have never regretted the decision to take her out. You always hear about how critical those first 4-5 years are to your children's development, etc. I guess I just realized that I didn't want to give that job to someone else, even if it was only for 10 hours a week. My affection for my babies was beginning to grow (it wasn't that I NEVER liked my children, don't get me wrong; but I would say that I felt irritated and inconvenienced MORE than I felt blessed the majority of the time).
But now we need to back up because I said we were done after Moriah and we now have 6 kids! :) I will never forget the morning I found out we were pregnant with our precious little Isaac. It was Easter a.m. 2005 and my friend, Tiffany, had mentioned to me the night before that maybe I was pregnant when I realized that I was late. I said she was crazy, but then began to get a little worried that maybe she wasn't. That morning in April, it started snowing. After dropping McKenna off early at church for a performance practice, I ran by Walgreens on my way home and grabbed a test. My family was loading up in the car for church as I quickly took the test and saw that it was positive. I was shaking like a leaf and no one but me and God knew about this little Easter surprise until we got to church. I wrote my husband a note during praise time and he did nothing but grin the rest of the a.m. I just remember saying to one of my dear mentors in my faith, "I can't have 5 kids!" And she responded, "I guess you can!" The thought of having five was overwhelming, but it was at this point that I began to believe that maybe a huge part of my role in life was to be a mom (I know it sounds CRAZY that I was just beginning to believe that, but it's true)! Up until this point, I think I still saw myself as an incompetent, insecure "babysitter" and not a real "grown up" who had been chosen as the mother of these sweet children. This view didn't change overnight and has only recently almost disappeared. So anyway, the move to Como was postponed (that's another big long story) and we happily awaited the birth of Isaac. Oh, one more thing about that. During my pregnancy with him, I was mostly embarrassed and defensive about being pregnant again. I almost always made sure that people knew that this hadn't been "planned". And if people said "Oh bless your heart" upon finding out I had so many children, I would wholeheartedly agree with them and encourage them to bless my poor pitiful self. I have no doubt that during this season of life, my children heard the message loud and clear that I was barely making it and they were the cause. (This makes me so sad to see this in writing now it makes me want to cry - but God's grace and mercy are HUGE!)
Life with 5 kids was crazy and I remember frequently asking God why He picked me to have so many children - I was just going to screw them up! I rarely, if ever, had days in which I felt I had done a good job. And I didn't enjoy my "job."
...to be continued sometime soon (it's bedtime)...
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
first day of school
They made it! I'm so thankful right now because of how good God is - He answered our prayers! McKenna was declaring this a.m. (dramatic, but dead serious) that she was beginning the worst year of her life. But she bounced out to the car this afternoon and talked non-stop about her day. She did spend several sometimes miserable hours on homework tonight (her teacher doesn't allow them to use "be" verbs in their writing...this rigorous classical thing felt a bit too rigorous tonight! :)) There is no doubt that she misses Eden, but as we were praying over last p.m. I really sensed that God is going to fill the void this year and she's going to grow in intimacy with Him that she couldn't otherwise experience. So she left the house uninspired this a.m. - you can probably tell from the pictures - but returned her bubbly self this afternoon. Praise God!
Josiah and Luke had great first days as well. They both have new teachers (new to CCS) and they both seemed to like them.
Josiah and Luke had great first days as well. They both have new teachers (new to CCS) and they both seemed to like them.
Randy wrote about the 60/60 experiment in his post, but I just have to comment on it also. It has been amazing so far. Jamey preached on "practicing the presence" of God on Sunday and talked about this church that did this experiment in which they turned to Jesus (prayed, worshipped, etc.) every 60 minutes for 60 days. We've been doing this for a day and a half and my spirit is more refreshed and expectant for God to move than it has been in a long time. Our kids are doing it too and there is a different atmosphere in our home. Makes us all so aware of our dependency on Him for EVERYTHING!
Oh yeah! I also started "home school" this a.m. with Moriah and Isaac. She won't be going to any kind of pre-k so I decided she had better at least know how to do something when she starts kindergarten next year. It was kind of a breakthrough a.m. for me because I woke up (at 4:30 a.m.) and I knew that my only job today was my kids. That may sound silly, but often I'm trying to do too many other things (chores, phone calls, etc.) and I get frustrated when I can't seem to "accomplish" anything. Well today I "accomplished" a lot of reading, playing, and focused attention on my little ones that they haven't had in a long time. That included a lot of training (SPANKINGS, esp for Isaac), but it was good to actually be consistent and calm about the whole process. My BIG prayer during this season is for CONSISTENCY! This is a character issue I REALLY struggle with. I long to do my family as well as I did today on a consistent basis. That's the other great thing about this 60 minute prayer thing - reminds me to be thankful for the grace during the previous hour and the available grace for the upcoming hour.
Better go to bed - this whole deal starts over again tomorrow!
Anda
From beside Isaac's bed
I'm writing this from beside Isaac's bed, that way I can catch him as soon as he gets out of bed. (Less stuff gets destroyed that way.) The problem is that he's not quiet. In fact nobody is quiet. While I was writing the last 2 sentences I heard 6 of the 8 voices in my family from at least 3 different rooms. (If I had answered any of them my voice would have made 7, so I think I'll just keep on quietly typing and hope the voices fade off.)
Sunday our pastor encouraged us to get watches that beep every hour to remind us to turn our hearts back to Jesus regularly through the day. It's been helpful. I just get frustrated that my attention span is only 3 seconds long. I'm hoping it will get better. Maybe I need a watch that beeps every minute.
Don't you just love my wife? This is really her blog, I'm just writing here because I'm too lazy to create my own. I hope you don't mind. I figure it may help if we both try to document our life together. It's sort of like a shared journal, open to strangers.
Well, Isaac's playing with a wooden sword chanting a nonsensical mantra about something I can't quite decipher. He just told me, "Dad, I almost went through my crack." I'm hoping he's talking about falling off the side of his bed which is next to the wall, and not some unfortunate incident with the sword. I'm getting sleepy, but he doesn't seem to be. I think I'll give up for now and leave the room. I'll keep the paddle in my pocket just in case.
Sunday our pastor encouraged us to get watches that beep every hour to remind us to turn our hearts back to Jesus regularly through the day. It's been helpful. I just get frustrated that my attention span is only 3 seconds long. I'm hoping it will get better. Maybe I need a watch that beeps every minute.
Don't you just love my wife? This is really her blog, I'm just writing here because I'm too lazy to create my own. I hope you don't mind. I figure it may help if we both try to document our life together. It's sort of like a shared journal, open to strangers.
Well, Isaac's playing with a wooden sword chanting a nonsensical mantra about something I can't quite decipher. He just told me, "Dad, I almost went through my crack." I'm hoping he's talking about falling off the side of his bed which is next to the wall, and not some unfortunate incident with the sword. I'm getting sleepy, but he doesn't seem to be. I think I'll give up for now and leave the room. I'll keep the paddle in my pocket just in case.
Monday, September 1, 2008
My 2 year old won today
I have been feeling pretty good about how well I'm fathering my children lately. Today I my 2 year old took care of all that. He beat me. The day is over now and he is asleep, but he won. All day he stayed in control. Even as he went to sleep he let us know he was not down for good. We were praying in the prayer room with McKenna, and we heard him yelling from his bed, "Mom can you cover me up?" She said, "We're praying for McKenna, can you stop asking me if I can cover you up?" He said, "Yes. But can you?"
The whole day kind of went like that. I dispensed appropriate discipline. He recited the obligatory apology and prayer of repentance relating the specifics of his sins to God. But 5 minutes later he was peeing on his sister's floor, or beating the dog, or coloring on the coffee table. He really didn't care what he did as long as it was somehow defiant or destructive. He smiled a cute little smile, and he really didn't seem to mind that he was going to have to deal with the consequeces of his behavior. We talked about how repentance means that you stop doing wrong and start doing right, but I think it went over his 2 year old head.
We cleaned house most of the day today. It looked ok at 2 pm. Now it looks like a tornado swept though a school and dropped all the school supplies randomly throughout our house. May God bless Anda as she and the kids start off the first day of school tomorrow.
The whole day kind of went like that. I dispensed appropriate discipline. He recited the obligatory apology and prayer of repentance relating the specifics of his sins to God. But 5 minutes later he was peeing on his sister's floor, or beating the dog, or coloring on the coffee table. He really didn't care what he did as long as it was somehow defiant or destructive. He smiled a cute little smile, and he really didn't seem to mind that he was going to have to deal with the consequeces of his behavior. We talked about how repentance means that you stop doing wrong and start doing right, but I think it went over his 2 year old head.
We cleaned house most of the day today. It looked ok at 2 pm. Now it looks like a tornado swept though a school and dropped all the school supplies randomly throughout our house. May God bless Anda as she and the kids start off the first day of school tomorrow.
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