depression

I'm depressed. For months, only my closest friends have known, but now I'm posting it on the world wide web. Whenever I'm sharing my testimony, I'm always referring to my depression as something in my past that I've been delivered from - and I know that the truth is that I HAVE been delivered from it. I will never be where I was before. But I am in the dark right now and today I decided that maybe it would benefit someone to hear about it while I'm in the middle of it instead of when it's in the past.

I've been reading The Silver Chair by C.S. Lewis (one of the Chronicles of Narnia) to my girls at bedtime. Seriously, reading those books is a spiritual experience. EVERYONE should read them (I'm embarrassed to admit that I've only completely read TWO of them, but it's my goal to read all of them this summer)! There are a couple of quotes that describe depression so perfectly. At one point in the story, the 3 main characters have fallen into the "Underland", the place where the evil witch reigns. It is dark, sad, and gloomy there with no natural light anywhere. They are being taken to the castle of the queen (witch) on a boat and here their experience is described: "Presently they were given food - flat, flabby cakes of some sort which had hardly any taste. And after that, they gradually fell asleep. But when they woke, everything was just the same; the gnomes still rowing, the ship still gliding on, still dead blackness ahead. How often they woke and slept and ate and slept again, none of them could ever remember. And the worst thing about it was that you began to feel as if you had always lived on that ship, in that darkness, and to wonder whether sun and blue skies and wind and birds had not been only a dream." Another quote that struck me last night was when Prince Rillian is released from the curse that he's been put under by the witch in which he cannot remember who he is. After he destroys the silver chair in which he is bound every night, he says to his rescuers who have obeyed the voice of Aslan, "For now that I am myself I can remember that enchanted life, though while I was enchanted I could not remember my true self." {This whole post is probably very confusing if you haven't read The Silver Chair, but if you have, you know why it is so powerful a story right now for me}. That so describes depression - when you are not in it anymore, you can remember what it's like to be depressed, but when you are actually covered by the cloud ("enchantment"), you have to fight to remember anything about your true self and you are easily convinced that maybe your true self never really existed. So for now, I just keep going. And I am also taking the advice of my hubby and starting anti-depressants. I have fought doing this again. Not sure why - it just seems like I'm giving up on God. But I know that's not true. Wishing I could solve all of this with enough prayer, enough good health habits, enough exercise, enough of whatever...like everything else, there aren't a whole lot of "perfect" solutions. For now, we'll just keep trying to take the next step with God.

Lots to write about...

So we were in Midland this past weekend and someone said to my husband, "I used to read your blog, but you stopped blogging!" It was the second comment last week that I heard about our blogging (or lack of). I think I hit a couple of "bumps" over the past couple of years that made me shy away from blogging a bit. But Randy said to me the other night that I should write again, without worrying about what people think or say. SO! Realizing that God uses writing as "therapy" for my own heart, I'm going to give it a try again.

But there are SOOOO many things to write about! Our mission trip to San Diego last week, my kids schooling next year, a TON of pictures, the fragile state of my heart, and many other "ponderings" that my heart has been holding. Where to start, where to start...Pictures are always good! Here are a couple of shots of my precious baby's first haircut:

Our Piper Joy is such a delight. Really. McKenna says at least once a day, "I love this baby!" Our favorite thing to tell her is "Cheer up, Piper!" She is one of the happiest kids I've ever known. She didn't even think about crying for her first haircut.

I know my last post was a bit depressing. Sorry. It's where I was (and where I've been for several months now). I had lunch with a few friends yesterday and as they listened to the Lord, they had a couple of words for me. One saw a picture of me lying flat on my back needing CPR. She saw herself giving it to me. She said I've been living "inside my head" too much lately and that I needed to share with my kids how stuck I feel and get them to pray for me! I have been attempting to hide my despondency because I have spent so many days in previous years speaking out the lies of the enemy that I was believing. But in not communicating where I am, I have begun to shut down my heart and to let the lies scream at me inside my head. When they're not brought out into the light, they only gain power. So today, I plan to tell my children that I love Jesus and I love them, and that for whatever reason I feel stuck in the "down" and have them lay hands on me and pray. My other friend heard the scripture Psalm 126 yesterday and when we looked it up, it was clearly God speaking: "When the Lord brought back the captives to Zion, we were like men who dreamed. Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with songs of joy. Then it was said among the nations, 'The Lord has done great things for them.' The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy. Restore our fortunes, O Lord, like streams in the Negev. Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him. Thankful to walk with these women who deeply love Jesus. I have seen the face of God in our community, which is His kingdom come to earth. He demonstrates His love through the Body over and over again. I love seeing this part of His plan worked out in the flesh! Thanks, sweet sisters! And thank you, Lord, for always providing exactly what we need. The Lord is "on our side...Our help is in the name of the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth." (Psalm 124:1, 8)