some selfish thoughts about motherhood

I confess that the last two weeks have been HARD!  I began with more faith than I ended with.  I wish that weren't true, but it was like I was crawling across the finish line the last couple of days.  I did love seeing what God did, though, in me and in our family while RB was away.  Yes, I saw the attacks of the enemy - some obvious and some more subtle.  At one point, I remembered Jesus' words to Peter when He told him that Satan had asked to sift him like wheat.  Notice in that story that Jesus didn't say that He told Satan "no".  He just told Peter that He had prayed that his faith would not fail.  In all the little trials that came up over the last couple of weeks, I could tell that the King of Kings was interceding for me (along with many others)!  I was amazed at how much grace and just practical help He provided at just the right times.  He is good and knows just what we need and when we need it.  Another thing I noticed this time was that I think it is the first time since I married Randy Brown that I in no way resented him or blamed him for anything that was going on.  This may sound strange, but it's as if I could tell that now I'm a five-year-old instead of a two-year-old in my thinking!  ha!  I truly did know that he was supposed to be in Uganda and that I was supposed to be here.  And I wasn't mad at him for being away from the family, etc.  This was HUGE for me - I just kept thinking about how happy I was that he was following Jesus and that we were in this together.  I love how Jesus transforms us (even when we think it just ain't happenin'!).

So what about the title of this post?  Well, now that I've tried to point out the positives about the past month, let me go ahead and be immature for a moment.  It's my blog, right?  :)  I love my children.  In fact, I adore them more than I ever have and I'm excited and content to be having another one.  BTW, I don't think I blogged the fact that we're having a GIRL!!!  I can't wait to write about the story of her name, etc. but that's for another night.  Anyway, Randy has been pretty tired since his return, so although I had him here in body, I haven't exactly had his full presence, you know what I mean?  I begged him not to fall asleep at 6:30 p.m. tonight because I was so lonely last night watching him snore on the couch while I put the kids to bed for the 15 night in a row with no dad that I thought I might die (yes, drama).  But here's the thing about mommyhood:  you are NEVER done!  My husband can fall asleep at 6:30 p.m. and they don't even try to wake him up.  I locked myself in my room for 20 minutes tonight around 5:30 p.m. and people were trying to bang my door down at least 4 times!  Have you moms ever wondered why the dad can be standing right next to the cabinet that has the bowl the child cannot reach and they'll go yelling through the house to find YOU to ask you to get it down for them?  They're not hungry with dad until you appear and suddenly they just have to have a snack.  Randy can wake up a little too late in the a.m. on Sunday morning and go outside to have his quiet time and maybe even take a leisurely stroll down to the lake to watch the sunrise.  I, on the other hand, am confined to these walls to provide food for these little sweet blessings as they wake up one by one and seek ME out to start serving them.  He gets to sleep all night when they're sick or sad or scared.  He gets to recover from jet lag.  What about "mommy lag"?  I've been suffering from this from several years now and just haven't quite recovered.  I almost decided to lie last week and tell everyone that my doctor had put me on bed rest for a week!!  LOL!  I had a woman tell me at the grocery store yesterday that I just need to make sure that I'm resting - she knows I'm pregnant and that we have a lot of kids.  I almost laughed in her face!  Whatever.  I really am encouraged tonight - really, I am!  I just continue to have these overwhelming moments of realizing that this marathon does not end.  It's good - it literally drives me to Jesus.  What else can I do?  I KNOW that His power is made perfect in my weakness and that His grace really is sufficient.  If this isn't true, then I might as well go ahead and quit tonight.  

Time to go sleep (in Jesus' name, yes, I will sleep)!  Little Piper is busy tonight - He is an unbelievable God.  Those tiny little feet and hands moving around are proof.