Don't drink the water

I have to confess that for the first time ever I attempted to go shopping on Black Friday. It was 11:30 Thanksgiving night, and I had made the mistake of reading the store ads in the paper that day. Toys R Us had a great deal on a gift that I hadn't even known I needed until I read the ad. The sale started at midnight, so I decided to go check it out. It took me 15 minutes to exit the highway because the cars were so backed up. When I got there, there was a line stretching behind the store down through the parking lots of the next few stores for at least half a mile. It was 12:15 am. It was cold. The line was moving slowly because the store was already full and we had to wait for people to leave before more people could go in. I know there were people there, because I remember seeing bodies, but I never really looked at anyone. I looked through the window at the toys, then down the road at the line, then walked back to my car thinking what fools these people were for waiting in that long, cold line in the middle of the night. I went home and went to bed, then went back to the store at 7 am only to find that the toy I was seeking was sold out. So many people were in the aisles that I could barely move, but I didn't love any of them. I actually thought about loving them, but decided to look for my toy instead. I finally left empty-handed.

Jesus was thirsty from a long, hard day. He sat at a well, but had nothing to draw water with. He asked a woman for water. You probably know the story. She was shocked that he was breaking all cultural rules to speak to her. He struck up a conversation about living water, and before long he had convinced her and the whole town to believe that he had come from heaven to save them.

Tonight as I read that story to my kids I had to stop. I only got a few verses into it when I was overcome. Jesus was really thirsty. He really wanted water. He wasn't just trying to find a way to start a conversation about himself. He wanted a drink. As far as we can tell from the Bible, the woman never did get Jesus that cup of water. He talked and talked to this woman, and eventually even talked to her friends, and never again asked for a drink. If I had been in the role of Jesus in that situation, I would probably have cut her off after the first question and said something like, "How about you get me a drink, then I'll tell you why I'm not afraid to talk to a Samaritan woman."

Lately, more than usual, I have been mission-minded. Not the good kind of mission-minded where I spend my life trying to love people to Jesus, but the bad kind of mission-minded--the kind of mission where I want what I want and I won't slow down until I get it. The silly thing is that it doesn't seem to matter what the mission is. Sometimes it's getting my work done so I can get home to the family. Other times it's searching the store shelves looking for the toy or gadget or Christmas lights that I want to buy. Often it's obsessively searching the internet to find the lowest price in the universe on some gift that I'm sure must be a dollar or two cheaper somewhere out there. Lately I've even been analyzing coupons at the checkout stand, so that I don't even notice the person I'm standing in front of. Saving 40 cents on a loaf of bread instead of saving a lost soul from an eternity in hell. Yikes! If it had been up to me, the woman at the well would probably be on her 7th or 8th husband, and I'd still be trying to get her to give me a bigger cup of water.

Jesus, help me. I deeply admire you. Please make me like you. Cause me to love people so much that I'm willing to go without my cup of water--to leave my "mission" unaccomplished. Please change my mission to make it the same as your mission, no matter where I am. Especially during this season that seems to pull me so strongly toward wanting and getting, please open my eyes to the people right in front of me. You know I love a good deal. Please overcome my love for a good deal with your love for people. I want to honor you this month.

My wife wants me to write a haiku

Thankful people smile.

Greedy people look beyond

Over people's heads.

OK, on a lighter note:

Tiny baby girl

Beauty. Fussy. Poops a lot.

Miracle of God.

And now for a free form poem about my wife (with a bit of modified plagiarism):

She walks in beauty through the night,

A tiger, tiger burning bright,

How do I love her? Let me count the ways,

It is the best of times, it is the worst of times.

Maybe someday soon I'll write something deep, profound, and meaningful. Right now I have to help with Piper Joy.

Randy

about to go to bed...wondering when we'll go to the hospital (it was a few hours later!)

the BIG ugly bruise!

all SEVEN of our children...WOW!

our kids waited for us on the front porch when we were coming home - check out Moriah's face! :)

excited sisters!

Malachi decided he liked her after the first day (when he wouldn't even look at her!)

This is a sweet little girl!

our sweet neighbor, Ms. Murray

Uncle Tod got to come and visit Piper yesterday. He liked her!

Anyone ready for pics and a LONG story??

I keep thinking that it's time to post lots of pictures and tell the really long story of the whole birth and bleeding scare before I forget. Here's the long version (I've given you sufficient warning) of the "big scare". The birth itself is a story I guess. People wondered why I chose to use a midwife this time instead of a doctor. My epidurals have never worked completely and my experience with Malachi was a little scary because my blood pressure dropped a lot during delivery. I was just wanting to experience a little more freedom in the hospital during birth and wanted to fully experience birth with no drugs. I realize that "pain-free" doesn't make anyone a hero, but there was something spiritual about it for me. I am, in my flesh, somewhat of a quitter and have difficulty persevering. I am an expert in pain avoidance and hate all talk about suffering. So there was something about doing this with no pain killers that was very spiritual for me. I wanted an intimate experience with Jesus and with my husband. Anyway, I went into labor after they stripped my membranes on Wednesday the 11th. It started fairly slow and the contractions were about 10-15 minutes apart when Randy and I went to bed that night. They were keeping me awake so I got up and worshipped by myself in the dark living room while breathing through contractions. This was a sweet time with the Lord. I went to our bedroom to tell RB I thought maybe we should start thinking about going to the hospital, but when he found out that they were still around 10 minutes apart he thought we should wait a couple more hours. Literally, the next contraction was about 3 minutes after the previous one and they never went back to 10 minutes! We were flying out of the house and I wasn't a very happy camper anymore. :) Poor Randy - first I was yelling at him to turn on the heater because I had the shakes so bad, then I was yelling at him to roll down the windows because I was too hot. When we arrived at the hospital, he had to drop me off so he could go park and the security guard that took me in just left me behind the counter just feet away from a nurse and another security guard who were working at their computer. As he went back outside he said something like "there she blows". The people didn't say anything to me and I assumed it was because they were waiting for Randy to come in, but when I started breathing through another contraction, they finally noticed that I was there! The nurse took me up. When they checked me I was at 7 cm and I went to a 9 within the next 10-15 minutes. I arrived at the hospital around 2 a.m. and started pushing shortly after 2:30 a.m. I won't go into the long details of the delivery, but let's just say that it was hard. The midwife wasn't particularly encouraging and I was beginning to feel like this baby was never going to come out! They finally figured out that she was posterior and at that point the midwife called the doctor on call just in case I chose to use a vacuum to get her out. At that point I was about ready to try anything!! I knew I was going to make it with no epidural, but this was turning into one of those moments when you feel trapped and like there is no escape!! I've never been so tired and frustrated - ever. I have never pushed longer than 20 minutes with any of my other children and this wasn't what I had been expecting. Like anyone can predict anything about birth, but you know what I'm saying! :) I knew people were praying and Tiffany and Randy were being extremely encouraging. All of a sudden Piper was there and I pushed like a crazy woman because I was afraid she might sneak back up there - LOL! She popped out face up and crying right away with the funniest shaped head I've ever seen (and quite bruised). I didn't even have any tears - I was just so happy to have her in my arms!! Just a little side note which had some significance later: when Randy saw the placenta, he didn't think it looked quite right and he noticed that the midwife looked at it kind of funny also. End of story. I never thought about my placenta again (until a few days later!).

Another thing I had heard about not having epidurals was that you feel so much better afterwards. Again, my expectations were different than reality. I've never felt worse after a birth! Every muscle in my body hurt and I could hardly sit up. My heart rate was really weird - in the low 50's. Every time I laid down I felt this pressure on my chest like I couldn't quite breathe right, but I had already had a sonogram in the hospital to make sure I had no clots in my legs, so I knew that wasn't the problem. My stomach was still quite large - I still looked very pregnant, but I just kind of ignored that thought and assumed it was because I had just given birth to my 7th baby. Overall, I felt horrible, but attributed it to the long pushing thing and was just feeling OLD! LOL! Fast forward to Tuesday p.m. (Piper was born early on the previous Thursday). I warn you that this is sort of way too much information, so don't read if you're grossed out! Around 10 p.m. I passed a large clot but didn't worry about it because this was a common thing for me following all our babies. I didn't worry, that is, on the first one. After the second one, I was a little more concerned because my bleeding was also picking up a bit. But Randy tried to reassure me and I went to bed. Around 1 a.m. I got up to go to bathroom and passed another huge one. At this point, I was worried. I woke Randy up and he said that if this kept up much longer we'd go to the doctor in the a.m. He told me he'd take me then if it would make me feel better. I didn't know what to do. We prayed and sat there a few minutes on the side of the bed. I guess God wanted to make sure that we knew there was an emergency - when I stood up I was bleeding all over the floor. SCARY!! Randy started grabbing stuff and went to tell his mom we were leaving. I've never seen so much blood in my life and I was trying not to let fear take over. At the ER I felt like we were all there to hang out and have coffee together! When the nurse finally SAW what was going on, she got a little more serious and reassuring. The ER staff was so wonderful. And when they got in touch with the doctor on call it was Dr. Boone. Some of our good friends use him and absolutely love him - I've never heard anything bad about him and I knew immediately that the Lord had provided him. His bedside manner was phenomenal. We tried some medication to see if it was just that my uterus had not contracted down like it should, but he was doubtful that this was the problem. He was already contacting the OR because he was anticipating doing a D&C. After they did a detailed sonogram, he came in to let us know that there was part of my placenta left and it was broken up everywhere. He just kept saying that there was a lot of "junk" in there. The OR wanted to wait until later that night to let him do the surgery, but he was very persistent and so it got scheduled for 9:30 a.m. Piper was with us during this entire ordeal and she was an angel! I had to wake her up to eat and nursed her on the way to the OR. She never cried the whole night. Then my sweet mother-in-law took her and bottle-fed her formula the rest of the day. She never complained. God took care of our sweet Piper. The OR staff was wonderful also. I just kept seeing the provision of the Lord. After surgery, the nurse explained that there was a saline-filled balloon in my uterus being used to stop the bleeding, but I didn't know that this was not normal. When Randy came back to see me, he seemed a little disturbed and sad. He told me that they had not been able to stop the bleeding during surgery and so they had had to use the balloon. The doctor had told RB that he had seen this balloon save a lot of uteruses. RB could hardly get the words out of his mouth. I think I was just too in shock and drugged to go there in that moment, but all day the reality that I might have to have a hysterectomy at age 36 began to sink in and I had to keep turning toward Jesus. I still can't write about it without crying. BUT the Lord is GOOD and He hears the prayers of the saints!! They took the balloon completely out around 10 p.m. that night and it was clear that it had worked. I was so grateful, grateful, grateful! Our friends had completely taken care of my family all day and came up to pray (and LAUGH) that night. Our parents have done so much and are exhausted! We are so thankful for their sacrificial love. Now I'm home and feel SO much better! The heart rate thing is fixed, my stomach went WAY down, and I can actually walk without feeling like an 80 year old woman. Apparently, the "leftovers" in my body were making me feel kind of crummy! Another huge thanks was that no infection developed before I started bleeding. The doctor said yesterday that i wouldn't have been going home yet if that had happened.

There are so many "what if's" etc. that go through your mind after an experience like this, but it's pretty pointless to go there. As Elisabeth Elliott always said "All our trials are custom made." I'm thankful that God ordained this trial for us during this season. In the big picture, it wasn't a very big one I suppose. But God used it to draw me into a sweet intimacy with Him that I wouldn't have experienced otherwise and I can say that this small amount of suffering was good and our joy is fuller as a result.

One more thing. I cannot begin to describe how much I love my hubby right now. He has been indescribably wonderful through this whole thing. In labor, he was perfect. He wasn't going to let me quit because he knew how much I needed to not quit. He couldn't stop telling me how proud he was of me. He was simply wonderful and this birth was the most memorable and spiritually intimate for him as well. And in the whole scary ordeal, he was so sweet and comforting and exactly what I needed. I've never loved him more - he needs some award or something!! Now we have the challenge of adjusting to the new normal. Mostly this is overwhelming and makes me want to go crawl in a hole somewhere. But the Lord gave this verse for Piper "I will proclaim His love in the morning and His faithfulness at night...." He is faithful. He is faithful. He is faithful! And He will walk us through this new season just as He has every other one.

a favorite blog

Love this blog. http://www.aholyexperience.com/ Read today's entry for more beautiful thoughts about beauty. Our church is having Compassion Week this week and her entry today is a perfect tribute to the Author of Beauty.

happenings

Just a little update on life around here! Piper flipped last p.m. and we are SO thankful! Love how God is faithful to answer prayer.

Nursery mostly ready (don't most moms wait until less than two weeks before their due dates to get the nursery ready?!). Thank you notes half written. A woman coming to deep clean my house on Friday (THIS is great news)! A very tired husband who is sitting next to me with his mouth hanging open while sleeping. He's a very tired man. We're having "Compassion Week" at our church this week - a week to focus specifically on connecting with the poor (and staying that way). Tomorrow p.m., the lady who runs Mission Arlington will be speaking at CF, Friday p.m. we're having a movie p.m. at Como Elementary (watching Ruby Bridges), Saturday is Sharefest here in Como, and Sunday there is a barbeque with our church and another church here in Como. He's not officially in charge of any of it (he's been delegating a lot) because of the impending arrival of our sweet little girl, but he's been very busy with it and is a bit fatigued. He's also on call this week and doing the football thing in between all of this! Speaking of football, playoffs start this weekend. My boys both have games at different places at 1 p.m. It's the first time all season that we will both not be able to be at both games. Bummer. I keep hoping this thing is going to end. It might end this weekend for Josiah's team if they lose, but it looks like Luke will be playing until the LAST weekend in November (can I just say here that we've been practicing four nights a week since August 1st?). His team could very well make it to the "SuperBowl" and the weekend following that one (Thanksgiving), Deon Sanders' little pee-wee football team wants to have a tournament with a few teams and guess what? The Como Lions C team is one of those teams!! Yeah, I know, it's Deon and everything - you can't really say that you're tired of football and pull your son out! LOL! Oh, the little surprise bonuses of living in our little community just never stop! :)

So much more to say, but not enough hours to write or sleep. Guess I'll pick sleep right now. I'll download a few pics hopefully sooner than later! McKenna keeps telling me that a blog with no pics is no fun! :)

beauty

My guess is that I'll never publish this because I'll conclude that it's too "cheesy," but I'm overwhelmed with something that I must try to put into words (and then erase from the slate if deemed necessary by my "rational" mind). Beauty. I've been extremely frustrated all week because I am longing for it, needing to taste it and touch it and bask in it. When I encounter it, I am easily moved to quiet tears trickling down my cheeks (which could easily become weeping if I really let myself go there). Beauty in words. In my children's eyes. In the leaves that are steadily losing their green. In photos that touch the deep places in my soul. In music. In the smell of pumpkin and cinnamon and warm soup and chocolate. In laughter. In candlelight and warm fires.... The problem is that my encounters seem short-lived and interrupted these days. Instead of long and satisfying drinks, they have become tiny sips that don't quench the thirst of my parched senses. Interrupted by the hurricane-like wreckage that surrounds me in what is supposed to be my home, my refuge. Interrupted by mountains of laundry that understand multiplication and know nothing of subtraction! Interrupted by the noise of sibling squabbles that seem to never find their end. Interrupted by endless demands and the disquieting realization that I can never meet them all. Interrupted by the reality of my own brokenness and that of fellow beauty-seekers around me. Interrupted by the racing of a mind that cannot find its quiet place of rest. But what am I really longing for? Is it really a perfectly ordered home and peaceful children and neighbors who aren't seeking that extra $5 to cover one more drink? No. I am longing for Beauty. He has a name. He has a face. He is the Author of the words that cover my weary soul. He is the One singing over me. He paints a canvas of beauty that cannot even be described by human tongue. His laughter is deep and endless. And He smells and tastes sweet. All that I see and touch and smell and hear now is flowing directly from Him - and He is always available and He is more than a little "sip." And somehow when He is the One on whom my gaze stays fixed, the chaos and the noise and the laundry and the brokenness take on a beauty that finds its roots in hope. And hope does not disappoint. And His kingdom is breaking in now. Thank You that You don't leave us parched, Holy Spirit. Thank You that Your beauty brings life. I think I can sleep now.

my sick husband

My not-wimpy husband just needs people to know right now that he's very sick - he's thinking it's the flu.  If you know Randy at all, you know that he RARELY gets sick so he's needing a little sympathy.  I have decided that I'm now in charge temporarily and I'm making him stay in bed tomorrow.  Seriously, pray that the rest of us don't get sick.  Don't need lots of people coughing their lungs up around a new baby when she gets here!!  (Now he's saying it must be West Nile virus...oh, the drama....)

Luke's tackle!

Luke has not enjoyed Como tackle football quite as much as he had hoped he would, but it has been a good growing experience for him and we are so proud of him for sticking with it!  On Saturday he had his best game ever!  He started this week, played the whole game, and made several great tackles.  He even sacked the quarterback, which I just happened to get a picture of!  Go Lukey!

my little boy - do these two spell TROUBLE or what?

What is UP with all the girly stuff?

This is what happens when I'm not paying attention - my big bruiser carrying around a pink purse wearing hot pink crocs!?!

one more quote

I'm also reading through this Bible study/devotional book by a woman named Amber Van Schooneveld who works for Compassion International as a photographer and writer (I think I already quoted her in another post).  It's called Hope Lives and I HIGHLY recommend it!!!  It really is one of the best books about the poor that I've ever read.  Anyway, this quote made me cry as I saw that this is how I've been perceiving myself (the "queen", not the "fellow guest"):

"I want God to transform my heart by the Holy Spirit so that I love what God loves, so that mercy naturally flows out of me.  I want to show others mercy because it was first shown to me; to offer mercy to others as fellow guests at God's table, not as a benevolent queen offering scraps to beggars at my feet."  Ugh.  This changes everything.

Confessions of a hypocrite - part 2

So what's my point about that "essence" thing?  I think that I have once again become complacent about my walk with Jesus, thinking that I've moved here and that's good enough.  I mean, I know more about the poor now and so it's easy to begin to think that I love them.  While it's true that I know God has/is changing my heart, I wouldn't say that I am proactively seeking to love the people around me (often those in my very own house).  Here are some of the things that God begin to use to highlight this truth to me (and please know that as a woman who has spent most of my life in the depressed/comparison pit of hell, that's not what I'm experiencing here; it's the kind of "pressure" that is clearly from the Lord because there is not condemnation, just gentle conviction from a kind Father):

*someone recently hooked us up with a link to a ministry in Nashville that a couple started called Front Porch.  They moved to the "hood" with their 4 children, not knowing what God was going to do with them.  It quickly became obvious that they were supposed to be loving the children and their house is alive with LOTS of kids all the time.  As the woman spoke about these kids and their families, she was about to cry.  I realized how cynical I've become instead of broken-hearted.  I wouldn't cry over the kids (or adults) in my hood right now.  Hard revelation because there's no doubt in my heart that Jesus would.

*While we were in Tennessee I read a book called Living on the Devil's Doorstep by Floyd McClung.  He's an old YWAM guy that has been to our church and spoken at World Mandate more than once.  This book is his own story about how his family started ministries involving people on the "hippie trail" back in the 70's and how they moved into the Red Light District in Amsterdam.  They did it without and then with children.  Here is an encouraging (and convicting) quote from his book about their decision to move into the R Light District:

"God was not just calling Sally and me to this work - He was calling us as a family, which meant the children as well, and as such He would look after us and protect us.  We had to be prepared to act on the belief that our security was in God, not where we lived.  If we followed Him in faith and humility, trusting Him for all that we needed, then we felt we would be bequeathing a spiritual legacy to our children that would mean far more than any amount of money or material happiness.  We believed that there were more pitfalls and dangers facing those living in the apparent safety and serenity of suburbia, who have one eye on the mortgage and the other on the video recorder.

"There are Christians living in such neighborhoods because they know that they have been called there to be salt and light, so it is God's sovereign lordship in their lives that keeps them there.  But many people are living in comfort because they simply want to be there.  Despite all we have experienced since moving into the Red Light District [and let me just say here that Como looks like "Mayberry" compared to this place in Holland!!], we still believe that these families face greater danger than we do.  In fact, we believe one of the reasons God called us to live in the heart of the city was to challenge other families about their values and direction in life.  God wants to use every family in some form of ministry, and that only comes as parents seek God for His purposes for their family collectively."

          "The muggers, the porn marketers, and the drug pushers are all recognizable threats.  The lure of materialism and its spirit-sapping insidiousness is far harder to identify, but it can be equally devastating in its effect on a family.  You can't get much further from God than a life in which you, and not He, are number one.  Some people get their kicks from handing over money - for drugs, sex, or whatever.  Others get theirs by making money and hoarding it.  Each is a form of addiction to what they perceive as personal happiness, whether it is a drug-blown oblivion or designer-style living."  

So shouldn't I feel just great about myself after reading such a quote?  I mean, I've moved my family to a lower class neighborhood, right?  What I've been realizing, though, is that while I've moved physically, my heart hasn't moved as much toward loving people as I would like.  You can live anywhere and still have a divided heart (been praying Psalm 86 a lot).  And you can still live here and worship the god of materialism.  As I read about the McClung family and how they had to depend on God for their food at times and for virtually everything materially, I was envious.  I don't know God in that way.  As Christmas approaches, RB and I are in a "wrestling match" with the Lord again about how we can find Jesus in the holiday that supposedly celebrates Him.  He seems to get buried under the avalanche of stuff every year in spite of our weak attempts to change it.  Anyway, that's another post!  :) 

Another part of the book that got me thinking was Floyd's story about a man who discipled him early on before he was even married.  He was an old man in his 70's who was still pouring out his life for Jesus.  He would take Floyd with him to other countries and was constantly asking him if he cared.  If he really cared.  Floyd began to realize that he really didn't and as he watched this old mentor weep over the broken, his heart was also changed forever.  I want to REALLY care!!  

This is just another part of our journey that God has us on right now.  For the past year or so, God has been completely transforming both Randy and me concerning marriage and family.  He had to pull us away from being overcommitted to some outside ministries so that He could walk us through growing some deep roots at home that weren't there when we moved here.  Now He's leading us - as a family - into another level and it's exciting and scary and overwhelming some days.  But we both have the sense that something is coming.  You know what I mean?  And now I'm beginning to ask Him more for His love to be released in me as I see more of HIS love.  Beth Moore said in a Bible study, "You will always be reflection of the God that you perceive."  Can't love others without a revelation of His love for us.  It's messy.  It's not convenient.  It's scary at times.  But I think my soul is longing for a little "mess" again.  And how will my children learn the love of Christ for people, esp. the poor if all we do is talk about it?  They will only be discipled as we walk in integrity.  Lord, give me an undivided heart that I may fear your name!!   

confessions of a hypocrite - part 1

So I was sitting in the lap of luxury a week ago tonight - and loving it.  If you know my husband at all, you know that he has been through seasons in which he cannot enjoy such extravagance because of the guilt it produces, etc.  We both decided before we went that we were going to receive that gift with the deepest gratitude and enjoy it with everything that was within us.  We did and there was no guilt.  In fact, Blackberry Farm will forever be burned in my memory as one of the sweetest trips I've ever had with my husband.  No fighting.  Contentment.  Beauty.  Remembering the kingdom of God is coming in all its power and we get to experience little tastes of things on this earth when everything is "as it should be."  But that trip served as my wake up call to something that God has been stirring in me over the past 4-5 months; as much as I want to ignore Him and go on with life as usual, I cannot.  I want to experience more of Him more than I want to stay "safe". 

Now begin my ramblings about pride.  It began to make its presence known when our friends from San Antonio moved here this summer.  [I'll warn you that the following confessions are VERY ugly, but my hope is that the beauty of the riches of Christ's grace will be magnified in the depravity of my weakness!]  Suddenly I realized that I was entertaining thoughts of how now I might have to "do" more so that we could keep up with whatever our friends were doing.  I was worried that maybe they would know more people than we did within weeks (they actually probably DO!  LOL!  God has gifted them with a knack for making people feel at ease and getting to know them quickly - it's beautiful!)  Ugly, almost territorial, thoughts.  I almost felt like a junior high kid with all my old insecurities/comparisons going on.  Good grief.  Can we say "grow up"?  I kept telling Randy that I knew all this was just ridiculous, but I couldn't seem to shake the thoughts and emotions that were rising up about how my "status" felt threatened.  I am just humiliated to even write those words (but praising God because those feelings are now gone, thank you Jesus!).  But what it made me realize was that I had begun to really relish the praises of men and had stopped bothering to concern myself with what God thought.  Although I probably wouldn't have verbalized it this way, I think I was in essence telling God that at least I moved to the hood - wasn't that enough?  Doesn't that somehow earn me some "extra credit" in heaven?  I mean, after all, look at all that I've given up.  Gag.  I've given up NOTHING!  "For you know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that thought He was rich [understatement of the century!!], yet for your sakes, He became poor, so that you through His poverty might become rich."  II Cor. 8:9   Here's a favorite quote from a book I'm reading:  "An occasional guilt or benevolence offering isn't what God wants from me.  True charity is love.  True charity is mercy.  And it's not extra credit, not an addendum to my faith.  As Christians, it's who we are; it's our essence."  

Okay, part 2 tomorrow; I'm falling asleep and my head is actually bobbing up and down.  ;)  

a few more Blackberry pics

we drove to Cade's Cove in Smoky Mountain National Park on Saturday, a historic log cabin community

I got to drive THE CAR

we knew that this place provided a couple of Lexus for you to take off-property, but my hubby was pretty excited when they pulled up this 2010 convertible - he had WAY too much fun on those curvy mountain roads (and I started getting a little car sick!! :))

we felt a little conspicuous in this little toy at the state park

waiting around after we checked out for our taxi to arrive - this was one of our favorite little spots; there was a little bubbling stream with rainbow trout on the other side...missing it already - sigh.

Blackberry Farm

my handsome man!  :)

everyone keeps telling me how small I am - are they BLIND?!?!

Randy was a little nervous around this friendly horse.

part of our view at lunch and breakfast - this doesn't even begin to capture the breathtaking beauty!

we ate dinner in this little pavilion last night and got to sit with two other couples, one from Cleveland and one from Birmingham - that was a fun experience (and made us really thankful for our world back in the hood!)

Randy's parents gave us a wonderful Christmas gift last year of a trip to this place near Knoxville, TN called Blackberry Farm.  It is WONDERFUL!  In fact, I've been reluctant to blog about it because I know that I cannot do it justice with my weak words, but I'll try to describe a few things before I enter my next eternal blog about my own pride, the poor, and what God is calling us to during the new season of life we're about to enter!

Let's just say that we are in a world that is not our "own" and of which we are pretty unfamiliar, but we are relishing every minute of it, receiving it as a beautiful gift from God!  We keep thinking of people who we would love to send out here, but it would be a little out of our budget!  :)  First of all, the natural beauty that surrounds us is astounding!  We're right on the Smoky Mountains and in the middle of all these beautiful rolling hills.  Towering trees dot the landscape and you wouldn't believe the noise - THERE ISN'T ANY!!  Except for an occasional bird or lowing of cattle, it is so QUIET and peaceful.  It's a wonderful place to "dial down" and be silent before God and hear His voice.  Randy and I have already had some sweet times of prayer and plan on more today.  I've taken a few pics, but they just can't do this place justice.  It's so much more beautiful than what my wimpy little camera can capture.  The food is also amazing!  We don't even know how to pronounce many of our choices :), but we haven't sampled anything yet that we just didn't like (ok, except for a couple of cheeses).  There are several courses, "gifts" from the chef, and they wait on you hand and foot.  You don't "eat" here - you "dine".  :)  We have fun snacks (my favorite being individually packaged and boxed Dove chocolate ice cream bars) in our room and a small refrigerator fully stocked with drinks, a HUGE jacuzzi tub, heated tiles in the bathroom, a FIREPLACE (for those of you who know me well, the one thing I miss the MOST in my Como house is a fireplace - we've had a fire going almost non-stop), and a quaint little front porch with rocking chairs.  There are golf cart "roads" everywhere so that you can rent your own to explore the property.  They take you to your dinner location every night in a car and pretty much roll out the red carpet for you like you're some kind of royalty!  We're both very unaccustomed to such treatment and there are some things that make me really uncomfortable with it, BUT (that's for my other blog) and, like I said, we're enjoying every minute of it.  We've done nothing but eat, sleep (a lot - why are we SO tired??), and read books, with an occasional stroll or ride on a cart.  There is probably more I could say - in fact, I know it - but as I said before, my next post is going to be so long probably no one will ever read my blog again!  

romance and candles...

Okay, I have no time to be on computer right now, but I just HAD to document this classic about my sweet hubby!  We've talked recently about our marriage and how we can make each other happy, etc.  My two cents worth was that I just need a little more thoughtful "romance".  So the other day I jokingly mention something along these lines.  Here's the conversation:

Me:  You know, fall is my favorite time of the year, so romantic...

RB:  What sort of romantic things do you like about fall?

Me:  I don't know, it's the whole atmosphere....Like the smells, colors - candles (like vanilla or cinnamon or pumpkin), the food...

RB:  I just want you to know that I looked for a candle for you at Walmart this a.m. [mistake #1 - walmart?!  although on my mistake list, I could've let this one slide]

Me:  Really?  That's so sweet!  [Yes, I'm wondering why he didn't actually get me one, but I'm impressed that he was thinking about it]

RB:  Of course, I was on the clearance aisle....and they STILL weren't cheap enough.

For those of you thinking that he didn't REALLY say this, I'm so sorry to inform you that he actually did.  And then he had the audacity to offer to stop and get me a candle when we were out on a date that p.m.  Love that man.  He says it was his attempt at humor, but those of you who know him know that THIS is only HALF true!!  I'm holding on to this one for a LONG time - this story has already been the source of entertainment for several friends.  I told him I'm still going to be telling this one when we're 80!

character training - mine and theirs

Rough a.m. today getting everyone to school - they were up way too late last p.m.  I've got to get busy with MK and the boys, but just wanted to write down my quick thoughts about training and children.  I used to think that my job was just to sort of direct them and keep them from doing things that were annoying or embarrassing to me (HORRIBLE confession, but unfortunately true).  God has been and still continues to change my heart, but what I'm now beginning to realize is just how much TIME character training takes!  And so does encouragement.  And this means that we can't always be in a hurry, which is an easy trap to fall into.  Margin.  I'm not just talking about overcommitment, although we've certainly been there NUMEROUS times (and may be right now, actually).  I'm just talking about planning ahead so that we're not rushing out the door every time we go somewhere.  Anyway, I used to think that "micro-management" of character issues that came up was a huge mistake in parenting.  Realizing that my beliefs about all of that are changing.  It matters whether or not I actually calmly and patiently deal with siblings being unkind to each other.  It matters whether or not I deal with the ingratitude (big or small) that I hear coming from their lips.  It matters if they roll their eyes at me or one of their siblings.  It all matters!!  I had a close friend tell me recently that you can "crash course" anything your kids need to know academically, but you can't do a crash course in character.  This same mom spent an hour or two dealing with two of her children who had been being unkind to each other - many would say it wasn't a big deal - just a little bickering and bad attitudes.  But it matters now.  And I have to decide if it's more important than hurrying, than wondering about what people think about how I spend my time and energy or what they think about what my children are doing in public (i.e. throwing huge tantrums in the store).  The humbling part of all this is that God is forming MY character through all of this!!  How can I train people to have an encouraging tone of voice if I'M talking ugly!!  And I also can't do it if I'm tired and grumpy because I've left no margin for to breathe easily and move at a reasonable pace.  Bottom line is that it's all about hearing the voice of the Holy Spirit and doing what He says.  There is always grace and margin for that.  And there is grace for training over and over and over and over and over again every stinkin' day for the next 20+ years!!!!!!!!!  Thank you, Jesus! 

life around here

This is just a rambling blog and I'm determined to go to bed in 5 minutes so this will be short, but just wanted to record memories of the last week (I guess you could say this is just for my benefit). The kids all started school, including Moriah who started kindergarten. I'll post pics later. They all did well. She really likes it so far and I know it is going to be so good for her. McKenna also started homeschooling. I could write volumes (literally) about all that I've been wrestling with concerning methods, philosophy, etc in education (not just home schooling, education in general in America), but that would take more time than I have at the moment! Let's just say that I know that I know that I know that God has led us to do this home school thing this year. He gave me a very specific word/picture a few months back that I have clung to during the last week. If He hadn't spoken so clearly, I think I might have quit already! :) I love that He knows just what we need to hear and when we need to hear it. I'm filled with faith for what God has for us as a family over the next year and for what He specifically has for McKenna. She is becoming a beautiful woman of God!
Not sure about how to function peacefully and without rushing around with this football thing, but we're working through it! And I keep telling myself that it's only for a couple of months. That's not that long, right?! The SCARY thing is that I'm just coming to the realization that this precious little Piper is getting ready to make her debut sometime in the next 8-9 weeks! AHHH! I don't feel quite ready yet!
We spent the weekend at the lake and got back this a.m. We went with some other couples who I would say are some of my favorite people on the planet. It was SO encouraging and emotionally refreshing to be with adults for a few days, have lots of uninterrupted conversations, enjoy sweet times of worship and prayer, and to laugh A LOT!! One of the couples who went could have their own comedy show - really. I don't think I've laughed that hard in a LONG time. We have 26 children between all of us, so it was so nice to sleep when we wanted to and eat whenever we wanted. Those times are precious. And of course I didn't take one stinkin' picture the entire time. WHAT is wrong with me?? Most of us have walked together for a while and it's so encouraging to see how the Lord has moved in us and around us and to look forward to what He has for us as we're all getting close to that 40 year old milestone (there are a few who have crossed it) :). God has been incredibly good!
I'm past my 5 minute mark! Gotta go to bed - haven't been feeling so great due to my own poor health habits! Tomorrow is Monday - praise Jesus! :)

first football game

Well, we survived the first day of Como football!  It was QUITE an experience!  Unfortunately, both their teams lost, but in their defense, it was the only team that beat them last year and these boys were much BIGGER than the Como boys!  Anyway, Luke got the first game jitters out (although they put him at a position he was totally unfamiliar with when he did go in - that's intimidating)!  Josiah played almost the whole time and was so tired he was having a little trouble breathing by the end.  Elliott got to make his debut as quarterback and did a wonderful job.  He did get hurt (wind knocked out of him; leg smashed), but walked it off and was back in by the end of the game!  Charlotte and I were just praying to Jesus the whole time and trying to be tough mamas, but I'll tell you, it's kind of hard to see your babies getting banged around on the football field!  I guess we'll get used to it??  There is an interesting "pressure" playing in this league because we do stand out a bit - you know what I mean?  

We're going to have to figure out how the rest of our family functions in this whole thing - 4 1/2 hours sitting out in the blazing sun with preschoolers was a bit of a challenge.  They survived, but I don't think they'll be doing that EVERY Saturday for the next 2 months (although I'm sure the weather will get cooler, which will help).  Isaac and Moriah declared at the end of the VERY long day that they were never going to another football game again.  So much for my attempts at encouraging them to support their brothers?!  We were blessed to have Uncle Ben and Aunt Trisha there to hang out with us!  Cousins made it all seem more bearable.  And then we got some special hangout time with them that night before they headed to the lake.  

Josiah on the far right (I find my boys by their white legs :))

Luke is #8

Coach Brown is into this whole coaching thing!

Hard to tell, but this is Josiah.

first Como Lions football game day!!

Josiah, Elliott, and Luke were off around 9:30 a.m. to start a LONG day of football!  Luke's game is at 1 p.m. and Josiah's is at 3 p.m.  Luke's team had to be there really early because they're not quite ready for their first game against their biggest rivals!  :)  Aren't they adorable...ahem, I'm sorry, I mean tough and handsome!

a few more beach pictures!

the only picture that proves I was there!  :)

the tide was way up our last a.m. there and the kids loved catching the big waves!

Randy was also within 10 feet of a sting ray (he ran!!)

my little beach bum  :)

a few pics from the beach

Okay, I should REALLY be in bed right now due to the fact that I've only slept about 3 hours or less in the past 36 hours, but I just can't go without posting a few of our beach pics for those of you who are not my facebook friends!  :)  We left Florida in the ugly gray van yesterday about 2:30 p.m. and arrived in Fort Worth at 4 :30 a.m. today.  Malachi did NOT perform according to our plan that he sleep deeply in the car for most of the 14-hour trip, so you would think that he would have been out until at least 9 a.m. or so today.  No such luck.  He was yelling his morning "MA!" at 7:15 a.m.  Yes, he calls me "MA".  Kind of makes me feel like we've gone back in time to Little House on the Prairie or something....Anyway!  More later about how this was the best family vacation we've ever had.  Here are some pics!

buried in the sand and panicking!

Look Mom, I've got a sand crab!

I mean, really, are there any cuter kids on the planet?!  Please note that Malachi's mid-section is substantially larger than his three-year-old brother's!!

they caught these hermit crabs in the beach "hood" under a bridge

we enjoyed our dusk beach adventures

the beach! a ridiculous commentary on all that I'm liking!

Well, I just discovered that I have no cord to transfer my pics.  I've dug through every computer bag and camera bag - we have like 10 cords at home!  :(  Oh well.  I'll post pics later (or maybe we can pick up a cord in Destin next time we go in to town).  For now let me just say that this place is WONDERFUL!!  We went to Destin about 3 or 4 years ago and stayed in a small condo complex that was nice and right on the beach.  I can't remember, but I think we probably paid the same or more as we're paying for this place and that other place was like a dump compared to this!!  This complex is huge, with two pools (one right on the beach and the other one HUGE), and right on the beach.  Our condo is not actually facing the beach, but it takes one minute to walk over.  Our beach is about 30 minutes from Destin and because we're here in off-season it feels like there is almost no one here.  A couple of nights ago, we had the beach to ourselves.  All 8 of us.  :)  So here is what I'm loving.  The condo itself is really nice inside - I love my home in Como and I wouldn't trade it for the world (really).  However!  Sometimes it's nice to have some of the little things that spoil us for just a short time!  For instance!  Randy and I have our OWN bathroom.  I think perhaps this is one of my top two things that I miss about my old house in Fort Worth (the other is a fireplace).  And in our OWN bathroom (which is huge), there is a HUGE shower with two shower heads and a garden tub with jets.  The appliances in the kitchen are new and updated and they all work.  :)  There is also a laundry room - okay, I often wish for a real laundry room where I can shut the door and not SEE all the dirty clothes.  Funny how this nice place has NOT taken up my laundry and done it for me.  Funny how the laundry just won't go away, esp when we go through multiple outfits, swimsuits a day!  :)  But that's okay - I get to do all this laundry in a laundry room.  We also have a 4th floor balcony with a little table and two reclining chairs that overlooks that beautiful big pool with a fountain in the middle.  ALL of this to say that I'm thankful for the little things that are making me feel pampered.  And talk about being pampered - the beauty of the ocean is always overwhelming, esp. here in the white sand beaches!  When we went out this a.m., the water was very still and perfectly blue.  You can stand for probably over 100 yards out and watch the tiny fish feed around your feet.  Sea gulls and other little interesting birds fly overhead often and this a.m. we looked and saw dolphins breaking the surface of the water only about 150 yards away from shore!  My children are happy as clams playing in the water and sand for long periods of time and there are just so few "rules" for them to worry about.  Malachi is intimidated enough that he won't just run into the water without assistance.  He just sits and digs and watches everything with delight.  Isaac and Moriah have life jackets and so we don't have to worry about them at all.  Sweet Isaac stays in the water most of the time trying to catch fish and find crabs.  Luke can throw himself in the water or in the sand and no one reprimands him for being a little too "enthusiastic"!  :)  Josiah is always building or digging something.  And McKenna and I are enjoying sitting there watching everyone else, reading, and taking an occasional dip when we get too hot or sandy.  Randy plays with everyone pretty much the whole time or tries to catch creatures.  There is no pressure to DO anything.  Our only agenda for the rest of the week is to go somewhere where we can catch hermit crabs and to eat out one night in Destin (we've been cooking here).  The last time I put on makeup was Sunday morning before church (so you won't be seeing a lot of pics of me!).  Oh yeah, let me just pause here to give tribute to my father-in-law, Grandpa Brown.  Dale, you have successfully passed down your family tradition to always go to church no matter where you are or what you're doing on Sunday a.m.!  :)  LOL!  I used to get really irritated, but I found myself quite content this week to let my sweet hubby take us on the adventure of finding another part of the body of Christ to go worship with on Sunday a.m.  My kids were not quite as amused as I was!  HA!  We went to this small community church that met in an old fancy bank building and was mostly composed of upper class older people.  We were 20 minutes late and made lots of people smile as we had to parade in front of them all as we entered the building!  Here's the AMAZING part - all six of my children sat for one hour without a peep and fooled everyone into thinking that we are always so reticent and well-behaved!!!  LOL!  McKenna saved the day because she had a stash of collected peppermints from various restaurants in her purse which Malachi and Isaac happily ate the entire time!  I love that my kids will never forget how their daddy always took our whole family to unfamiliar churches so that we could experience more than what we are comfortable with - actually, now that I think about it, that's what he does with us all the time!!  Praise God for this man that doesn't like to "play it safe!"  I guess that's MORE than enough for now - wish I could post my pictures.  We'll just have to find a way to make that work before the end of the week!     

Piper Joy

I love sitting here feeling this little girl doing somersaults in my belly.  I haven't been taking much time to really marvel at the fact that there is another little person living in there (and she'll be here in around 12 weeks)!!  Sometimes I'm overwhelmed when I look at my children.  Isaac wasn't "planned", but then there was Malachi who escaped the vasectomy that we cancelled and then just never got around to rescheduling.  I tell him all the time that I'm so glad he's here and that Piper wouldn't be coming if it weren't for his life!  I still am just BLOWN AWAY every time I  really start thinking about this whole scenario...it is profound and beautiful and so Jesus.  By the way, if you happened to read last night's blog and prayed that the funk would go away, thanks.  It was pretty much gone today.  We leave in less than 48 hours for Blue Mountain Beach!!  Hopefully, I"ll be posting some really fun pics during the next week!  Of course, NONE of them will be of me in a swimsuit - THAT would NOT be an attractive sight!

big bad funk

Don't even know why I'm blogging right now.  Seem to be under this funky dark cloud that descended for no apparent reason this afternoon.  Praise God, this feeling has become so incredibly UNfamiliar that now it's extremely obvious when it happens.  He is so good.  I think I'll just go to bed now.  To sit here and ramble about all the things that seem overwhelming at the moment would undoubtedly NOT be productive.  I was with a friend last night who has taken a challenge from another woman's blog to write down 1000 things that she's thankful for in a journal.  I started mine today.  The woman says that it has changed her life and others testify to their physical, emotional, and mental health improving.  I know this is true.  God commands thankfulness and joy because He knows what we need!  Think I'll go write down a few more things in that journal.  "fix your eyes on Jesus..."

Just read this blog entry recommended by that same friend.  Really encouraging!  www.aholyexperience.com/2007/10/peace-is-person.html  (can someone tell me why I can't make this a direct link?  yes, i'm computer illiterate!)

Football

So I'm coaching for the Como Lions, as Luke and Josiah play on their respective teams. I love it. It's bringing back memories of my glory days playing high school football. But I have to say, I'm not a very good coach yet. The truth is, I haven't watched much football on TV in the past 15 years. My boys haven't watched a full game of football at our house on TV more than once or twice in their lives. We just don't watch TV much. So the second day of practice I walked up to hear some coaches arguing about which wide receiver was the greatest. I had never heard of either one of the choices. Suddenly, one of them turned to me and said, "What do you think Coach Brown?" I thought about mentioning Lynn Swann or Drew Pearson, but instead I just said something like, "I'm not sure which one is better. That's a tough call."
I don't think I fooled them.
This us Luke's first season to play, and he and Josiah have both done a great job. It's like learning a completely new vocabulary in a different dialect. Words like dive, and sweep, and pitch had no meaning to Luke before we started. He's learning fast, but his lack of knowledge is a bit glaring. One of the coaches finally said, "He doesn't watch much football does he?" I had to confess at that point. I'd like to invite anybody reading this who has cable and a big screen TV who happens to live near Como to invite me and the boys over to watch a few games this season.
Randy

are these cute boys or WHAT?

I've been planning on taking a pic to blow up poster size for the boys room for probably a year now.  Although not perfect, I think this one is the winner.  I'm going to put a favorite scripture for them at the bottom.  Aren't they cute?  They're all sleeping in the same room now.  Malachi is thinking he is quite the big boy - maybe it has something to do with that belly...

I was attempting to get the boys on the same level with the baby, but the baby decided to copy his brothers.  
I mean, really, he looks pregnant!  Too much ice cream this summer??  :)  LOL!  This whole little photo session (which lasted all of 10 minutes) was a hoot!
These guys sure do love their little brother (and he thinks they're pretty cool too).

WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE WE THINKING?!?

I just have to blog again.  I feel like we are trying to straddle two different planets!!  :)  LOL!  Tonight we jumped into a whole new world.  Football.  And not just any football.  Como football.  Randy's gift to Luke for Christmas was the agreement that he would coach Luke's team in whatever he wanted to play this fall.  He's wanted to play tackle football for a while, but did NOT want to attempt football in our hood until this week.  After praying and having LOTS of conversations over the past few days, we feel like we're supposed to do this.  Randy will be an assistant coach.  But let me paint a picture of what this will look like for the Browns.  They just don't play around in Como when it comes to football.  Practice every night of the week except Wednesdays from 6:30 - 8 p.m.  Tonight they were there from 6:15 - 8:45.  Hmmm...  Maybe just because it was the first night of practice?  Games every Saturday.  And this all goes on until mid-November (right around the time I'm due with our 7th child) because they usually make it to the "Superbowl."  We're talking Homecoming, cheerleaders, lots of fundraisers, the whole deal.  And these boys range in age from 4 (yeah, that's right) to 12.  Josiah is on the "B" team (9-10 year olds) with his buddy, Elliott Connally (our friends who just moved here).  And Luke is on the "C" team with his dad helping out with coaching.  The really nice thing is that they practice on the same field which is less than 5 minutes from our house every night.  And their games will always be at the same time on the weekends (11 a.m. and noon).  At least we won't be running all over the place getting people to different places.  This is a HUGE commitment.  Randy doesn't want to take it lightly for Luke's sake and because we're in a little different environment.  Let's just say that we stand out a bit.  Literally, most of these kids have been playing football since they were 4 years old.  They do play flag until they're six.  LOL!  And Elliott, Josiah, and Luke are the only caucasian boys out there.  They worked their fannies off tonight, but my boys were so excited when they got home and couldn't stop talking about it.  And they gladly took showers and went to bed with no arguing.  WORN out!  We'll see - I think I may have to get a little tougher skin to watch them get hit when the time comes!  Bottom line is that this is a mission/kingdom of God decision for us. Randy is really looking forward to time with his boys, and this will be A LOT of time with them.  .  Also, there's no doubt that we will know so many more people in our community by the time this is over.  And it's another way in which to cross some racial barriers which were obvious - though subtly -  even tonight.  This is our neighborhood, and we really look forward to getting to know our neighbors.  There will be grace from God for all that lies ahead for this season!!

In the meantime, Randy and I have just opened a box full of books for McKenna's Bible/history/literature course that she will be taking online during her year at home in the fall.  We are continuing classical education because she may be back at CCS next year.  Can I just say that I would've cried if I had seen this stuff in COLLEGE??!!  And I was an English major!  Here are a few of the titles (and these are all translations of the original, unabridged texts):  Plutarch's Lives, Volume I, The Odyssey, Aeschylus I, The Landmarks Herodotus... and there are more, but it makes me want to cry to think about it.  My husband just declared that he's going to try to read all of it so he can talk about it with her.  I just don't even think I have it in me to read even one!!  :)  Really.  These are college books.  I think I must be really dense.  Or maybe I really have lost lots of brain cells.  I love books, but I can't get even a little excited about these.  I'll let you know if anything changes over the next few months!  I'm going to have to fake it really well when my sweet daughter gets home - or at least give her lots of doughnuts and milk to go with these when she's reading them!  :)

Randy said a few minutes ago that if there is a continuum, we are experiencing two COMPLETELY opposite extremes:  football as a god on one end; education as a god on the other.  I just can't stop laughing.  I think I need some ice cream... 

Jesus

Okay, I just read an update from Randy's partner at work who is in Kenya with his whole family.  I think I could cry for a long time.  They are spending lots of time in orphanages with what sounds like almost unspeakable conditions.  She said they're fighting nausea, etc. a lot because of all the smells, etc.  The part that ripped my heart out was her statement that they are being swarmed by kids who all want to be held or touched.  It's not fair.  And in the middle of all that, she's got to think about her own children and disease, etc.  It's Jesus.  They get to touch the heart of Jesus this week in a way that most of us seek to avoid our whole lives.  But that's it.  THIS is who Jesus is - people.  And not the ones that we really long to hang out with.

I'm reading through Mark right now and this a.m. I was reading chapter 6.  I was just thinking about capacity and people.  The apostles had just come back from being sent out by Jesus to heal the sick and cast out demons.  They were pretty pumped, but I'm sure drained and exhausted.  He invites them to come away with Him to a quiet place and get some rest - they hadn't even eaten yet.  What a beautiful invitation.  But the crowds chase them to the other side of the lake and they are greeted by more PEOPLE!  You'd think Jesus might have said, "You know, these guys have really given a lot over the past several days.  I'm going to go ahead and let them go or send all these needy people away."  But no.  Instead, He has compassion on the crowds and starts teaching them.  Then the apostles have probably had it and they tell Jesus he should send them away now to go get food.  These guys still haven't eaten - am I the only one that gets a little testy when hungry and tired?  Now Jesus tells them to FEED them!!  No wonder they were a little perturbed at His suggestion!  FINALLY, after they've cleaned up after 5000+ people, He sends them away in a boat while He deals with sending the crowds away.  But even their little boat ride doesn't go all that well!  The wind is too strong and they can't even get to where they want to go easily.  That's when Jesus shows up walking on the water and the wind calms down.  And here it says they were amazed because they hadn't UNDERSTOOD the loaves because their hearts were hard.  All I'm saying is, maybe they were too tired to get it?  I don't know.  I just know that as I was praying a lot about our fall schedule this morning, this chapter struck me as interesting.  Jesus is King.  And He defines our capacity and sometimes pushes us beyond what we think we can handle.  In every instance, He shows up and works a miracle.  I'm not saying we shouldn't establish boundaries, etc.  I think those are more important than I ever have.  I just think we tend to want to point to all the passages that talk about Jesus withdrawing to lonely places to pray to justify our tendency to want to shut and the doors and windows and be alone.  Are we really praying when we're "refueling"?  And are we withdrawing at like 4 or 5 a.m. and then spending the rest of our day loving and pouring ourselves out for people?!  Ugh, I just want to surrender my time and my plans to Him.  Even with my children.  I'm constantly fighting the battle in surrendering my "rights" in the mundane daily stuff of raising six kids.  It is getting easier, but I wonder if it will ever completely disappear.  No.  Then I wouldn't need Jesus anymore.  SO!  My baby is waking up, letting me know that my time for writing is over.  May we all walk with the King of Kings today - actually, I'd like to dance with Him all day - as we let Him lead and not fight His very good plans.