some selfish thoughts about motherhood

I confess that the last two weeks have been HARD!  I began with more faith than I ended with.  I wish that weren't true, but it was like I was crawling across the finish line the last couple of days.  I did love seeing what God did, though, in me and in our family while RB was away.  Yes, I saw the attacks of the enemy - some obvious and some more subtle.  At one point, I remembered Jesus' words to Peter when He told him that Satan had asked to sift him like wheat.  Notice in that story that Jesus didn't say that He told Satan "no".  He just told Peter that He had prayed that his faith would not fail.  In all the little trials that came up over the last couple of weeks, I could tell that the King of Kings was interceding for me (along with many others)!  I was amazed at how much grace and just practical help He provided at just the right times.  He is good and knows just what we need and when we need it.  Another thing I noticed this time was that I think it is the first time since I married Randy Brown that I in no way resented him or blamed him for anything that was going on.  This may sound strange, but it's as if I could tell that now I'm a five-year-old instead of a two-year-old in my thinking!  ha!  I truly did know that he was supposed to be in Uganda and that I was supposed to be here.  And I wasn't mad at him for being away from the family, etc.  This was HUGE for me - I just kept thinking about how happy I was that he was following Jesus and that we were in this together.  I love how Jesus transforms us (even when we think it just ain't happenin'!).

So what about the title of this post?  Well, now that I've tried to point out the positives about the past month, let me go ahead and be immature for a moment.  It's my blog, right?  :)  I love my children.  In fact, I adore them more than I ever have and I'm excited and content to be having another one.  BTW, I don't think I blogged the fact that we're having a GIRL!!!  I can't wait to write about the story of her name, etc. but that's for another night.  Anyway, Randy has been pretty tired since his return, so although I had him here in body, I haven't exactly had his full presence, you know what I mean?  I begged him not to fall asleep at 6:30 p.m. tonight because I was so lonely last night watching him snore on the couch while I put the kids to bed for the 15 night in a row with no dad that I thought I might die (yes, drama).  But here's the thing about mommyhood:  you are NEVER done!  My husband can fall asleep at 6:30 p.m. and they don't even try to wake him up.  I locked myself in my room for 20 minutes tonight around 5:30 p.m. and people were trying to bang my door down at least 4 times!  Have you moms ever wondered why the dad can be standing right next to the cabinet that has the bowl the child cannot reach and they'll go yelling through the house to find YOU to ask you to get it down for them?  They're not hungry with dad until you appear and suddenly they just have to have a snack.  Randy can wake up a little too late in the a.m. on Sunday morning and go outside to have his quiet time and maybe even take a leisurely stroll down to the lake to watch the sunrise.  I, on the other hand, am confined to these walls to provide food for these little sweet blessings as they wake up one by one and seek ME out to start serving them.  He gets to sleep all night when they're sick or sad or scared.  He gets to recover from jet lag.  What about "mommy lag"?  I've been suffering from this from several years now and just haven't quite recovered.  I almost decided to lie last week and tell everyone that my doctor had put me on bed rest for a week!!  LOL!  I had a woman tell me at the grocery store yesterday that I just need to make sure that I'm resting - she knows I'm pregnant and that we have a lot of kids.  I almost laughed in her face!  Whatever.  I really am encouraged tonight - really, I am!  I just continue to have these overwhelming moments of realizing that this marathon does not end.  It's good - it literally drives me to Jesus.  What else can I do?  I KNOW that His power is made perfect in my weakness and that His grace really is sufficient.  If this isn't true, then I might as well go ahead and quit tonight.  

Time to go sleep (in Jesus' name, yes, I will sleep)!  Little Piper is busy tonight - He is an unbelievable God.  Those tiny little feet and hands moving around are proof. 

a few pics to peak your curiousity! :)

Okay, so he made it until 9:30 tonight, but we were busy with kids, etc. and he still hasn't blogged.  I feel a little weird about trying to post a bunch of pics when I can provide very little explanation about what's going on, but here are a few of the ones I really like!  :)  Please understand, RB took one camera and his mom sent 5 more, so we have around 2000 pictures to go through!  :)

Byron, Deontay, and Larry Mouton (youth pastor at Pleasant Mt. Gilead here in Como)

I love this picture.

Jeff connally's posts

Okay, my husband has fallen asleep at a ridiculously early hour every night since he returned in spite of his best efforts to stay awake.  Thought I was done putting kids to bed by myself?  No....

Anyway!  Jeff Connally has been blogging some about the Africa trip and he has actually put pics on his blog so go to http://ledbytheshepherd.blogspot.com/ to read some great thoughts and see some great pics if you don't want to wait on Dr. Brown to WAKE UP!!!!!  :)  No, really, I'm smiling....

HOME!

Yee-haw!  The team made it home and it was SOOOO good to see them walk into that airport!  We've enjoyed opening the souveniers our guys brought back for us and enjoyed hearing some fun stories so far.  We're about to download pictures and we'll post when we get a chance!  Thank you Jesus for returning everyone safely to us and for transforming lives!  

Home!

Just heard from Jeff and they are safely on the ground at DFW. :) Thank you, Lord!

God's Heart

Ezekiel 11:16-20 "…yet for a little while I have been a sanctuary for them in the countries where they have gone…They will return and remove all vile images and detestable idols. I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them. I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh. Then they will follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws. They will be my people and I will be their GOD."

My prayers is that GOD will give each person a new spirit that sees the world through GOD's heart. May this experience draw them each to a closer relationship with GOD and others.

Coming Home

Rejoicing this morning in how the Lord has so lovingly guided the Uganda team and especially the MM. It is my prayer, that against all odds, and by His grace and mercy, every single one of them will walk with the Lord all of their lives, living mightily for Him!

"Oh come, let us sing to the Lord!
Let us shout joyfully to the Rock of our salvation.
Let us come before His presence with thanksgiving;
Let us shout joyfully to Him with psalms.

For the Lord is the great God,
And the great King above all gods.
In His hand are the deep places of the earth;
The heights of the hills are His also.
The sea is His for He made it;
And His hands formed the dry land.

Oh, come, let us worship and bown down;
Let us kneel before the Lord our Maker.
For He is our God,
And we are the people of his pasture,
And the sheep of His hand"


Psalm 95:1-7

As his precious sheep travel across HIS land and HIS sea may they be protected and safe and blessed. May the kingdom of God pour out from them to others as they marvel at what He has done in Uganda!

In the precious name of Jesus,
Amen

Mercy

Praise be to the Lord, for he has heard my cry for mercy. The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song. The Lord is the strength of his people, a fortress of salvation for his anointed one. Save your people and bless your inheritance; be their shepherd and carry them forever. Psalm 28:6-9

I'm so thankful for your prayers of protection for my little ones. They have not been ill, no fever at all. It's really a miracle. I can remember seeing Sarah drinking out of Malachi's cup at least a dozen times while we were at the lake, thinking he was teething, no clue he had Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease. As the scripture says, "my heart leaps for joy" because of His great mercy.

last update?

I did not get to talk to Randy today, so I'll let you know when I hear from him again.  [Okay, they just called - they will leave RG in a couple of hours and head to the airport for their flight at 10:20 p.m.  Mostly heard Josiah's sweet stories about all the animals he saw yesterday at the game park.  He said it was awesome!]  Here are two major things to be praying about as they return:  1) travel - all aspects of it - safety and grace for the long hours, 2) "re-entry" when they return.  They have seen some mind/heart boggling things that they will be continuing to process on their return.  Also pray that they will all be able to re-enter "normal" life as school, jobs, family, etc. will all be waiting here and it will be "business-as-usual."  I don't think I'm communicating that very well, but maybe some of you know what I'm talking about.  They have also just seen poverty on a scale that they've never witnessed before and returning to this culture can present difficulties.  Pray for grace on marriages!  :)  Also, on a practical level, pray that jet-lag is minimal and everyone readjusts easily to the time change!

If you're up for a bit of a long read, I have a quote from the book The Hole in Our Gospel by Richard Stearns (president of World Vision).  I started reading it today and I'm only in the prologue and already crying.  Here are a few tidbits:

"His name was Richard, the same as mine.  I sat inside his meager thatch hut, listening to his story, told through the tears of an orphan whose parents had died of AIDS.  At thirteen, Richard was trying to raise his two younger brothers by himself in this small shack with no running water, electricity, or even beds to sleep in.  There were no adults in their lives - no one to care for them, feed them, love them, or teach them how to become men.  There was no one to hug them either, or to tuck them in at night.  Other than his siblings, Richard was alone, as no child should be.  I try to picture my own children abandoned in this kind of deprivation, fending for themselves without parents to protect them, and I cannot.

I didn't want to be there.  I wasn't supposed to be there, so far out of my comfort zone - not in that place where orphaned children live by themselves in their agony.  There, poverty, disease, and squalor had eyes and faces that stared back, and I had to see and smell and touch the pain of the poor.  That particular district, Rakai, is believed to be ground zero for the Ugandan AIDS pandemic.  There, the deadly virus has stalked its victims in the dark for decades.  Sweat trickled down my face as I sat awkwardly with Richard and his brothers while a film crew captured every tear - mine and theirs.

I much preferred living in my bubble, the one that, until that moment, had safely contained my life, family, and career.  It kept difficult things like this out, insulating me from anything too raw or upsetting.  When such things intruded, as they rarely did, a channel could be changed, a newspaper page turned, or a check written to keep the poor at at safe distance.  But not in Rakai.  There, "such things" had faces and names - even my name, Richard."

UGH!  I cried as I read this and the rest of the prologue which is his testimony of how he went from being the CEO of Lenox (china) to being the president of World Vision.  He was living a very affluent lifestyle and then Christ opened his eyes to the truth.  Seeing the poor changed everything.  I was thinking tonight about how it does change everything (and I haven't even seen the poor in Africa).  But during my first encounter with the poor outside of this country (in Romania), I was saved.  I went to church  my whole life and was very religious, but I saw Jesus for the first time when I saw the orphans in Romania.  It's when I decided to follow Him.  And now, it's still changing everything and I haven't even begun to touch the surface.  All I know is, that person that he described in the last paragraph was me.  I loved my little bubble and it's where I had lived my whole life.  When the bubble starts to break, it is painful, but it is SO worth it!  Tonight I went down to the apartments next to our house because our friend who was dramatically saved from crack addiction was turning 44 and they had thrown her a big party.  She's been clean for 16 months now and still glows with joy.  I took Luke with me and just told him to stay close to me as there were probably 30 kids running around and many of the adults were drunk.  One older drunk lady kept hugging on me and Luke and the poor kid was miserable and a little scared.  Our saved friend said, as she sipped her cranberry juice, that she was really sad that they had brought all the liquor, but what could she do.  I love her - she is living in such a dark place and still standing firm.  Anyway, as Luke and I walked back home, I told him that that was uncomfortable for me too, but those are the people Jesus hung out with a LOT!  And I'm not sorry that my son gets to catch small glimpses of that now.  I pray that he never has a big "bubble" that has to be broken.  Jesus is so comfortable with the poor and the "sinners".  I pray that He will just get bigger and bigger in us so that we will be too!  What's funny to me is that our neighborhood is going to seem like the Ritz Carlton to those who return from Uganda!  We really are filthy rich in this country!  I'm excited because a pastor from Africa is speaking at our church on Sunday - what a rich blessing as this team returns!  I should really go to bed now - it's just my first night without someone crying when my house is finally quiet!  :)  

wednesday update

Hey everyone!  Talked to Randy today and thought I'd give you several of the little tidbits he told me about.  This a.m. the team washed the R.Gateway workers' feet, which was a really neat experience.  The medial clinic went well.  He saw around 100 patients and several on the team participated in helping out.  He said that he cannot imagine being a medical missionary there because there would NEVER be a shortage of people to see, 24/7.  One cool story was that as the patients were through seeing RB, he sent them to Jeff Fisher and J.Tom for prayer.  One lady was demon-possessed and was delivered!  Praise God!!  He agreed with his dad and almost didn't have words to describe the poverty.  Hundreds of people with nothing.  Hard to imagine here in the big USA where we get upset if we don't get exactly what we want when we want it (sorry, did that sound cynical?  Maybe, but it's true).  

   Here are his requests for the next few days.  They will visit a wildlife park tomorrow, but they will be on a bus for most of the day (I guess you can't exactly be hanging out on foot with the lions).  They will then drive all day on Friday back to the airport for their flight that leaves that p.m. around 10:00.  Bottom line?  It's a lot of traveling from here on out.  Pray for lots of grace and continued love and patience among team members!  He also desires to spend time as a team praying over and listening to the Lord for the Mighty Men - ask God to show them when that should be.  They are all happy, but really exhausted.  He also wanted us to pray that he will have some sweet father/son time with Josiah tomorrow.  He didn't see much of his son today, but Josiah said it had been a tough day (I think it's time for him to be with his mama!!).  He cannot say enough how much he feels the power of your prayers!  Thank you, thank you, thank you!

just a few more days!

I'm SOOOO ready for my hubby to be home and to hear all the amazing stories and see all the pictures/videos!  I talked to my mother-in-law last night for a while and she said that Dale keeps talking about the level of poverty he's seeing and how it's more striking than anything he's seen before (that's saying a lot because he's been a lot of places in the world).  She and one of my sisters-in-law are reading a book called The Hole in Our Gospel.  I think I'll go find it today.  Think it was written by the founder of World Vision.  I cannot wait to see how the MM's lives are being forever altered by this trip.  I'm SO thankful that this trip happened.  Really can't imagine the lasting impact it will have on the lives of those who went and on who-knows-who there.  Rita and I were laughing last night as we thought about Randy and how no one really thought he would take these boys to Africa - God is so much bigger than what we think!  Praise His name!

light at the end of the tunnel

I feel like I should apologize for my meltdown on the blog earlier!!  LOL!  Thank you for praying.  Isaac is acting better tonight and is now eating ice cream before bed - I guess there are some beneficial things about this whole illness.  :)  Still praying that he will sleep tonight.  Please pray for protection on the Connally children.  Their family is moving here two days after Jeff returns from Uganda and we REALLY don't want their kids to get this!!!  My friend actually took my older ones to her house to spend the p.m. and so it's just me and the little boys.  As soon as Isaac is in bed, my house will be quiet.  crxcsxdhjgffdrryyu6uykj8i7iiiu8888jy (that's Isaac's "blog" for the p.m.)!  Again, in spite of these little and mundane trials, I can feel the presence of the Lord and the prayers of the saints.  And I continue to be amazed at the reports from Uganda.  Obviously, the Lord has been COVERING this team.  Cannot wait to hear their reports and see all the pictures when they return!!  Don't let down now, sometimes the trip home can seem like an eternity!  Continue to pray for health and rest when they start home on Friday.  Also pray that they will have many opportunities to continue to share the gospel on the way home.  

Sleep and Love

I am praying for good sleep tonight for the team, Isaac, and Anda.

Hebrews 4:15-16 For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses…..Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”

GOD thank you for supplying our needs, and we give YOU the glory.

Angela's MoM

No update today; just me whining! :)

I could cry for a long time right now.  No sleep is a really bad thing.  Isaac cried off and on all night last night because his mouth hurts.  He has continued to cry all day today.  He hasn't had much sleep either and has had nothing but yogurt for the last four meals.  Feel so sorry for him and there's really nothing I can do except pray and hug him a lot.  I won't go into it on the blog :) :), but let's just say I'm having a couple of not serious, but miserable health issues as well.  My sweet friend, Tiffany, just came and got my kids to go get ice cream.  The little boys are asleep.  I'm going to go lay down.  I think I've talked to RB every day since he left and today is the day that he texted me and said that he was going to bed.  No talking today.  That's when the tears started flowing.  I think I will call today "Black Tuesday."  LOL!  The good news is that I know this will probably be the only "dark" day.  And the other good news is that this sweet woman who I hardly know is bringing us dinner and I hear she is a phenomenal cook.  God is taking care of us.  The best news is that He is still really good and He knows exactly what we need.  The verse for the day:  "And my God will meet all your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus."  Philippians 4:19   "Consider it pure joy...trials of ALL kinds...."  

Monday update

Hey everyone!  Talked to Randy briefly today.  They enjoyed their time today serving around 300-400 kids, some school kids and some orphans.  Tomorrow they will work more at Restoration Gateway and plan on going fishing in the Nile River tomorrow afternoon!  He asked that we pray that God will show him whether or not to go back into the village tomorrow.  Wednesday Randy will do a medical clinic and everyone will work around RG again.  His prayer is that they will finish strong, that God will touch whatever needs to be touched in their hearts, and that He will break their hearts for the poor.  He wants us to pray that they will be broken and filled with compassion for the poor.  One quick story from Jeff Connally (via Charlotte).  He said that today all they could give the kids at the end of the day was a piece of paper and a pencil.  When Charlotte commented that that was kind of sad, he said that they were actually really excited.  Yeah.  Kind of humbling to think about here in America.  Again, he wants to thank everyone for praying for the team - there really has been no conflict and Jeff Connally compared the team to a beautifully put together orchestra in which everyone is playing their part perfectly.  THAT is prayer!  Love all of you!  Pray for healing for our family - we have hand, foot, and mouth disease going around with the little ones.  :(

love,

Anda 

Strength, Safety, and Unity

Monday, June 22, 2009
Ezekiel 2:18 “When I say to a wicked man, ‘You will surely die.’ And you do not warn him or speak out of dissuade him from his evil ways in order to save his life, that wicked man will die for his sin, and I will hold you accountable for his blood. But if you do warn the wicked man and he does not turn from his wickedness or from his evil ways, he will die for his sin, but you will have saved yourself.”
My prayer is that all the team members will have the courage from GOD to witness to the persons that GOD lays on their hearts and let GOD do the rest. I’m also praying for physical strength, safety, and unity for all.
Love,
Angela's MoM

not an update - just me rambling

I feel almost like an intruder on my own blog writing about anything that doesn't have to do with Uganda!  :)  I should be asleep right now, but if I had been, I would have just been awakened by my crying baby - again.  We figured out today that he has hand, foot, mouth disease.  That sounds so terrible, but it's pretty common with babies/toddlers.  Got it from church last Sunday.  He's definitely better, but I think he must still have some mouth sores that are bothering him in his sleep.  Bummer is that Isaac started running fever this afternoon.  Sigh.  He said his mouth was hurting under his tongue.  Poor babies.  

I came in after putting my kids to bed way too late tonight and bawled with Jesus for a while.  I don't feel like I can write about this yet and it may be a long time, but I am being broken in half through one of my children.  I was locked in my bedroom doing that really ugly, hysterical, sobbing that you hope no one witnesses and I just asked Him to speak.  I heard Psalm 55 and looked it up.    The whole thing was good and clearly from the Holy Spirit, but here are a few highlights:  "listen to my prayer, O God, do not ignore my plea; hear me and answer me....My heart is in anguish within me....But I call to God, and the Lord saves me.  Evening, morning, and noon I cry out in distress, and He hears my voice....Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous fall....But as for me, I trust in You."  Then as I sat there still crying and praying, He just reminded me about this child's name and its significance.  I am learning things through this experience (which has been going on with varying intensity for years) that I probably could not learn through any other means.  But it is breaking.  Tonight God picked me up and brought me close to His heart, though, and I am filled with His peace and hope and joy and love for this child as I go to bed tonight.  The MM's verse for today was 2 Corinthians 9:8 - "And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work."  His grace does abound, and all the more so, the more hopeless a situation seems.  Nothing is impossible with God.  Really!  Malachi went back to sleep - time for bed since I'm falling asleep typing.  

Sunday update

I hope you guys aren't getting sick of all these posts!  Randy stressed again today how THANKFUL he is for all your prayers.  He said that the team has been wonderful - everyone is walking in their role, all are getting along, and they've been extremely easy to lead.  Prayer is powerful and effective!  The MM had a much better day today and were encouraged.  Some of them hiked through the pouring rain and mud through a river to go evangelize in the market today.  He said it didn't feel real effective, but it was a great experience and gave lots of insight to their culture and also to some things Jesus must have experienced when HE walked through the market place.  He said it was just beautiful to watch sweet Deontay walk up to a lady who was not at all interested, asking her if she knows that Jesus loves her.  Pray for the team tomorrow as they go to an orphanage to feed somewhere around 300 orphans.  Also pray that Randy will have wisdom in deciding what to do during their last two days at Restoration Gateway (Thursday they will go to a wildlife reserve).  Also pray that they will see miracles and healings!  Not sure if this was anything, but pray that a girl who needs her hand healed will experience the love of Jesus through healing!  God is so good!  

Love to all of you!

saturday update

Hey everyone!  I talked to Randy this afternoon while driving and so now I'm relying on my memory - bad idea, but I'll do my best!    This a.m. they did a basketball camp for some kids and it sounded like there were kids in and out of RGateway all day.  This afternoon they went into a nearby village and shared the gospel.  19 people gave their lives to the Lord!!  Praise God!  He still wants us to pray that every person on the team will have a chance to lead someone to Christ while there.  Tomorrow they will have church - some there and some in a different village.  He wants us to pray that he will have wisdom in making some decisions tomorrow about letting people stay behind when they make a hike across the river again if they are too tired.  I think that would be the primary request that I was hearing from him today.  They are all really exhausted and it's beginning to show.  :)  He had a three hour "show down" with one of our sweet MM today over refusal to obey, one of them was packing to go home, and the others are starting to bicker a bit.  They have also decided that they're hungry and maybe done with peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.  Perhaps a little culture shock?  It makes me laugh and smile just to write this.  He said they are still doing amazingly well!  He pointed out that he's got seven boys who have hardly travelled anywhere hiking through Uganda into villages with half-naked people living in huts!  Just pray for them!!  He said he can totally tell that people are praying and is hoping that tomorrow they'll "turn a corner!"  He said that the adults are doing a wonderful job and he thinks they haven't really had time to break down because they know that they have to keep loving, supporting, etc. the Mighty Men! He cannot say enough good things about Restoration Gateway!  The leaders are wonderful and have been speaking life into these guys everywhere they go.  In fact, when Randy was through speaking about the MM yesterday a.m., a man came up to him and asked if it was okay if he started a MM group there in Uganda!!  Amen!   Thanks also for praying for Malachi!  Aside from the fact that he's been crying for the last hour because he's really grumpy (lots of ulcers), I can tell that he's getting better.  Dr. Petta let me know that it was just a case of herpes and that we were probably on the downhill slide!  Pray for SLEEP tonight!  Okay, the cops just showed up at my door.  My five-year-old dialed 911!  Never a dull moment around here!!  Have mercy- this whole deal is making me thankful that I'm not a single mom!

Friday update

We're still at Lake Brownwood and will head home tomorrow - I have mixed feelings about this!  Ha!  Here's the update sent out today:

Hello prayer warriors!  Again, I want to thank all of you for praying!  We heard many exciting little stories today of knocking down termite mounds, chopping a black mamba in half, and holding a chameleon while it was changing colors (Josiah and Jordan are in boy heaven)!  Randy said that today he began to see more of the "old" Mighty Men emerge - they're are becoming less intimidated and a little more comfortable!  LOL!  Pray that they will continue to obey, work hard, etc.  Tomorrow they will be doing a basketball camp in the a.m. and going out to a village to do evangelism in the afternoon.  Please pray for a revelation of Jesus and that people will come to the Lord!  He also wanted us to pray that the team, esp the boys, will get to be in a Ugandan's home.  So far the team is healthy and relationships are going well among team members.  Thank God and continue to pray for these things! On a personal note, my husband insisted today that I ask for prayer again for me and the kids (and all the other moms!).  Baby has a funky virus which led to no sleep last night and it's looking like the same again tonight unless the Lord does a miracle (PLEASE PRAY!).  We have been and are continuing to experience some very difficult discipline issues with one of our children and it leaves me emotionally and mentally exhausted.  Bottom line is that we just need JESUS!  I have seen God answer prayer after prayer over the past week - faith is just low tonight.  It is so comforting to know that we are surrounded and upheld by the prayers of the saints.   Love to you all!  Can't wait to tell you more stories of what God is doing tomorrow! Anda