"My power is made perfect in weakness"....well....His perfection should be off the charts in my house tonight.
To be honest, I'm pretty discouraged. Pretty disappointed with the weakness of my character. So I've been without my children for the past 3 days. I really cleaned my bathroom for the first time in months. My living room floor was actually visible; I dusted AND vacuumed. I finished decorating for Christmas and everything stayed where I put it. I actually went a whole day without running the dishwasher - and the laundry was all washed and folded. Malachi slept all night long the past few nights and no one else woke me up, so I felt well-rested. My times with Jesus were longer and more peaceful in the mornings. I didn't yell at anyone. I didn't spend one drop of energy spanking or training anyone. I only had to respond to ONE little person's demands at a time. I went to dinner with my husband and my baby last p.m. - we ate peacefully and had MORE uninterrupted conversation. There was no "whine" with our dinner. My brain and my spirit actually found oxygen and I was beginning to feel like anything was possible; I couldn't wait to see my babies again....And here I am, just hours later, sitting in my ravaged living room (and I do mean ravaged) covered in mountains of unfinished homework, dirty dishes decorating the kitchen, feeling like a completely different woman. I literally felt like a different person living a different life just a few hours ago. WHAT IN THE WORLD DOES THIS SAY ABOUT ME??!! My yelling and spanking "fast" is over. I'm exhausted again. And the demands of six little blessings feel like too much weight to bear - I just can't respond to 4-6 clamoring voices all at once. I cannot help three people with their homework simultaneously. I cannot read a bedtime story to Moriah AND listen to Luke read to me at the same time. (Randy is gone tonight, so things probably seem esp. overwhelming - but honestly, they still did when he was here this afternoon). I don't really feel like smiling right now. I want my freedom back, darn it.
This is not really a blog about how horrible my children are (because they're not at all) and really not even some self-condemnation rampage. (And I realize that none of this is a big deal - I have a GREAT life). I am just astounded at the depth of my selfishness!! And I am struck by the sweet mercy of God in giving me so many people in my home to aid in the destruction of this nasty flesh! It is just frightening to me that I was such a nice person for a few days - ha! :) The Lord has been digging out deep roots of discontentment (is that a word?) and pride for the past several weeks. I am humbled once again tonight. He is my ONLY source of power and my only hope for contentment in ALL circumstances. His grace is HUGE! I fall on Jesus again tonight. It's a good thing my kids came home - I might have started thinking that I could handle life without Him if they had stayed away much longer....ha,ha,ha.
"O my Strength, I watch for you; you, O God, are my fortress,my loving God....But I will sing of Your strength, in the morning I will sing of Your love; for You are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble. O my Strength, I sing praise to You; You, O God, are my fortress, my loving God." Psalm 59:9, 16-17 (okay, David was being stalked by murderers when he penned these words, but they still encourage me! :))
4 comments:
awwwh! i teared up reading that - especially the part where they made a mess of your clean house! haha! seriously though, I understand (on a smaller scale). That time alone was a gift. Im so glad you enjoyed it! Back to "real life" is hard but I love that He gives us just enough that we cant handle it without Him! Im there with ya girl ;)
Anda, I am sitting here reading your blog and as I read I teared up. I have thought over and over these past few days of how thankful I am just for you and the mom, that although tired loves her children in such an amazing way. I have thought of how I would give my last breath to just be in your shoes. That is not to make you feel guilty for being tired in the least. I had the priveledge of being here (grandmas) while they were in town and I couldn't wait to get over here. We played and at one point I was in the front yard with all the brown boy grandkids with many of them wrapped around my leg as I was trying to save the big grasshopper they were throwing on me. I had so much fun. I took so many pictures and my heart felt grateful every night thinking about you and Randy and how much you both have given up to have the wonderful family that you have. I have to tell you that on the plane, as we were about to land, that there were two older boys in the back seats telling each other that he was going to be the first one to hug mom. I wanted to cry again, because I knew what a blessing you feel in your heart everyday. Even when tired. I love you.
Hi Anda! Thanks for sharing your heart--reality with a bunch of kids is hard to face. I have no pithy wisdom just a small sense of empathy and a pile of laundry on the end of my bed.
And, I've never loved my wife more. She's amazing. I'm so glad to share this "mess" together--I bet your husband is amazed at what God's doing in you--even as God delights in your desire to surrender your life to Him. Keep up the good work!
I just love you Anda - you're doing it girl! Everything for the King matters, whether it's training little disciples or keeping them in clean clothes - it's all important.
Thanks for sharing your heart - it's lovely and delicately beautiful to the King...and us too.
I love you! Ami
Post a Comment