dancing

Awkward. I hear the music. It's beautiful and I can envision what I look like when my feet and body glide effortlessly across the floor. But I don't look like the woman in my mind's eye. Awkward. The woman in my mind is passionate...joyful...unencumbered...welcoming...hospitable....Reality is awkward. My feet just won't move quite right. I feel like I'm trying to dance a dance that I was never intended to dance (a lie from the pit of hell, but still how I FEEL). I stumble. I try to stick with the beat, but I'm off again. I just look...awkward.

But it's worth it, right? The dance of community, specifically community with children, is worth it. Even now, as I write, I hear the sound of police helicopters overhead, circling our "hood" again. Second time today I've heard them (with all the emergency vehicles I see on my street and over my head, I don't know why anyone ever thinks that I would struggle with feeling safe here. LOL!). Community. Christ was all about it. He still is, especially with children. Which is why I long to not fight against it anymore! And while I am talking about community with my own children on one level, I'm mostly talking about neighborhood kids. Don't think a day has gone by recently when there weren't at least 2 at my door (yesterday a.m. 3 brothers were fully dressed for school and knocking at 5:50 a.m. They needed to use the phone - were wondering where their mama had disappeared to in the middle of the night...not particularly worried, just curious. I know her and I knew she was somewhere getting high. Maybe they just choose not to know anymore). I long to elegantly fling my front door open wide, ushering them into a safe haven, while providing them with food for body and soul. But the reality is that I'm awkward. Conversation is awkward. I'm mostly trying to figure out when I can ask them to leave. But today there was small breakthrough and I think I figured out one small dance step in the complicated rhythm. As I peered through my window and saw three girls approaching from down the street, I started praying out loud, "Lord, please give me Your welcoming spirit" (because, really, can you tell me that even when He had to say "no" or turn people away that they didn't somehow still feel welcomed?) and saying "Act happy to see them...Act happy to see them." Today I didn't make them ask to enter, I invited them in. Today I let them watch me as I bathed my 5-month-old. Today, I let the oldest one hold Piper for me while I did some chores around the house. Today, I asked them how school was and I learned that they had "science day" and that the eldest is working on a science project, a solar oven. Today, I talked about Earth Day with them and we tried to find some info about it on the internet together. And when I had to leave to go run errands, they asked to come with me....I had to say no and the parting felt awkward, but they've never asked before (at least not these particular girls). I wish that the steps I practiced today had been smoother. I wish that I had offered them the banana before they had to ask. I wish that we had read together and that I had been more affectionate and "mothering". I wish I had talked about Jesus and overflowed with the Word of God. BUT, the few steps that I got right today were Holy Spirit led and ordained by Father. Next time I will add a few more steps, and a few more after that. And I know that somehow, God is being glorified even in the midst of my tripped-up-awkward dancing. I love that my God is the God who uses the weak of the world to confound the wise. And I'm thankful that He is the One I get to dance with....Grace. It's a Grace dance.