confessions of a hypocrite - part 1

So I was sitting in the lap of luxury a week ago tonight - and loving it.  If you know my husband at all, you know that he has been through seasons in which he cannot enjoy such extravagance because of the guilt it produces, etc.  We both decided before we went that we were going to receive that gift with the deepest gratitude and enjoy it with everything that was within us.  We did and there was no guilt.  In fact, Blackberry Farm will forever be burned in my memory as one of the sweetest trips I've ever had with my husband.  No fighting.  Contentment.  Beauty.  Remembering the kingdom of God is coming in all its power and we get to experience little tastes of things on this earth when everything is "as it should be."  But that trip served as my wake up call to something that God has been stirring in me over the past 4-5 months; as much as I want to ignore Him and go on with life as usual, I cannot.  I want to experience more of Him more than I want to stay "safe". 

Now begin my ramblings about pride.  It began to make its presence known when our friends from San Antonio moved here this summer.  [I'll warn you that the following confessions are VERY ugly, but my hope is that the beauty of the riches of Christ's grace will be magnified in the depravity of my weakness!]  Suddenly I realized that I was entertaining thoughts of how now I might have to "do" more so that we could keep up with whatever our friends were doing.  I was worried that maybe they would know more people than we did within weeks (they actually probably DO!  LOL!  God has gifted them with a knack for making people feel at ease and getting to know them quickly - it's beautiful!)  Ugly, almost territorial, thoughts.  I almost felt like a junior high kid with all my old insecurities/comparisons going on.  Good grief.  Can we say "grow up"?  I kept telling Randy that I knew all this was just ridiculous, but I couldn't seem to shake the thoughts and emotions that were rising up about how my "status" felt threatened.  I am just humiliated to even write those words (but praising God because those feelings are now gone, thank you Jesus!).  But what it made me realize was that I had begun to really relish the praises of men and had stopped bothering to concern myself with what God thought.  Although I probably wouldn't have verbalized it this way, I think I was in essence telling God that at least I moved to the hood - wasn't that enough?  Doesn't that somehow earn me some "extra credit" in heaven?  I mean, after all, look at all that I've given up.  Gag.  I've given up NOTHING!  "For you know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that thought He was rich [understatement of the century!!], yet for your sakes, He became poor, so that you through His poverty might become rich."  II Cor. 8:9   Here's a favorite quote from a book I'm reading:  "An occasional guilt or benevolence offering isn't what God wants from me.  True charity is love.  True charity is mercy.  And it's not extra credit, not an addendum to my faith.  As Christians, it's who we are; it's our essence."  

Okay, part 2 tomorrow; I'm falling asleep and my head is actually bobbing up and down.  ;)