the prison of self

some of the girls from my cabin

my babies always have to get a shot with Josh Norman - they love him! (a camper years ago at the west texas op camp)

I have SOOO much to write about and I'm sure I don't possibly have time right now before my sweet children wake up, but let's just summarize the past week and a half by saying that God did AMAZING things - at Op Camp and in my own heart. More on that later, but right now I just wanted to post a few quotes from a book I'm reading called Jesus Manifesto. It has transformed my life. Desiring God by John Piper may be the only other book I can say that about besides the Word itself. This book is about Jesus. And about how we have stopped seeing that HE is IT. In the Church (esp. in America) we have made life about so many other things. We think that once you've been a believer for a while, it's time to move on to "meatier" aspects of theology. Wow. When you really ponder that thought, it's scary, but it's how I have thought for much of my life (until I started listening to my pastor preach the glory of Jesus week after week after week)! I'll share a couple of quotes (yes, they're LONG :)). Here's one: "So what is your chief occupation in life and ministry? Here's a hint: Whatever you are occupied with comes out of your mouth. It's what you talk about most of the time. For many Christians, their occupation has nothing to do with spiritual things at all. For others who are more inclined to divine matters, their occupation is evangelism. For some it's church multiplication that matters most. For others, it's memorizing the Bible and learning theology. Many Chirsitans are most occupied with social action, while others are most occupied with leadership and its various principles. Still others are mainly occupied with missions, or praise and worship; the casting out of demons, or healing; miracles, holiness, or the end times; spiritual authority and submission, justice, politics; and so forth. The list is endless. But all of these are just 'its' - just things. In fact, the Christian family has swung so far from its Lord that most of our preaching and teaching today is an 'it' rather than a 'Him'. The result: We focus on 'things' - even good and religious things. And the Lord Jesus Christ is pushed off into a corner. (He usually gets inserted somewhere in the message as a side dish, but He's rarely the main course.) Yet, the reality is that Christ trumps everything. All Scripture testifies of Him. The Father exalts Him. The Spirit magnifies Him. The angels worship Him. The early Church knew Him as her passion, her message, and the unction of her life. Christ was her specialty. He was her Bridegroom and head. She specialized in nothing else. All told, there's nothing worth pursuing outside of Chirst. To our minds, there is one reason why a Christian would not be absolutely occupied and consumed with Christ. That person's eyes have not been opened to see His greatness. The sad truth is that the Jesus who is preached so often today is so shallow, so small, and so uncaptivating that countless believers are enthralled with countless other things."

YES! So I'd been reading this when I went to Opportunity Camp last week. Of course, I was not all consumed with Christ - in fact, the few days before going I was quite all consumed with myself - how hard it was going to be doing camp with all my children, how tired I was, how I didn't want to spend the week with all my neighborhood children, ad nauseum (sp?). BUT my heart and mind were beginning to shift because I had been reading about Jesus (in another chapter, the authors just go on and on with scripture after scripture about Him). My eyes were just barely beginning to shift away from my own navel. I have been feeling for many years now, but esp lately, that there is something really sick in my spirit. I have known that I am just grossly concerned with self and how everything relates to and affects me. I suppose all of us are to some extent, but I could tell from having been around my closest friends that mine was perhaps a deeper sickness than most. I have known for years that my default thoughts are usually always about me. This is very embarrassing and even repulsive I know (but the beautiful news is that God is cracking up this faulty foundation)!! So I'll talk more about what God is doing in a minute (maybe, my babies are awake :)), but here are some quotes from the book that describe what I've been sensing: "Jesus' sense of self is God-centered, not self-centered....Is your faith based more on a flaccid 'What's in it for me?' than on pursuing your Lord and the concerns that He has? Then turn your head away from the reflective pool before you drown in the Narcissus Nirvana. Get outside of yourself and into Christ. In this way you will live beyond yourself to see others, not just yourself, and in seeing them you find yourself. (Maybe we need some "Drown Narcissus" rituals...like a fast from "self-help groups" - a favorite oxymoron - or self-help books)....You are not the point. And we are not the point. Jesus Christ always has been and always will be the point. All the arrows point to Him and not to us....Here's our answer: Get a fresh glimpse of your incomparable Lord, and you will be emboldened to stop spending your life on yourself. Connect with him who is life, and you will be empowered to deny yourself, live beyound yourself, and live outside yourself. Let go, break free of the self, the captivity of me. Only Christ can set you free from yourself - the old self that He nailed to His cross. No amount of willpower or good intention can accomplish this. So lay hold of Him and escape the straitjacket of the exalted, exaggerated, narcissistic, sense of self. You and your causes are not the center of the universe. You are part of a process of life that is greater than you. The self only exists at all inasmuch as it participates in the being of God. You are not the main character in your own story. God in Christ is."

All I can say is that I am beginning to experience the freedom that Christ promises. And it's not coming because I'm getting my way or because my circumstances are all that great right now (this sleep deprivation thing can really cause one to be a bit self-focused...:)) So here is my gross confession. I have been going to Op Camp off and on since I was 15 years old. And it has ALWAYS been about me. When I was a teenager it was about the current boy I was enamored with (ususally Randy Brown). I can't remember one camper and can remember very few experiences because I really didn't care a wit about the kids. As an adult going to Op Camp Como for the past few years, it has still been mostly about me. I always go and worry about whether or not I'm doing enough or if the campers like another mentor better than me or about how I'm feeling physically, etc, etc. (Like I said, this really is nauseating, but bear with me, Christ is about getting His glory and it's coming)!! I have always wanted to care - I mean really have compassion and deep love - for the kids, but quite frankly, it has been very shallow. This year was the first year that this was not my experience. Instead of walking in my self-conscious and insecure flesh most of the week (mind you, I'm not saying I didn't EVER go there - it was just less frequent:)), I experienced confidence in Christ and what He was doing or not doing. The best example of this was in a purity talk that I was asked to give to all the girls on the last day of camp. It was honestly the WORST job of public speaking I have EVER done. I did a terrible job of communicating and it just felt like a failure. And I walked away from it laughing (you have no IDEA how miraculous this is) because I had spent so much time praying about it that a.m. and in giving all of it to HIM. If anything good came from that little talk, it was all JESUS and not me. I think He wanted me to experience a little humiliation so that He could remind me again that it's not about me and my natural abilities.

So here's a summary of what God did at camp (okay, it's a long summary). To be honest, Randy and I have spent little time praying about camp. For some reason, this year, He led us to pray every night from midnight to 1 a.m. There were around 10 adult mentors crying out to God and worshipping every night at camp. We welcomed Him to come and do whatever He wanted to do. We began to feel compassion and let our hearts break for these kids. It rained on Monday and Tuesday and so the kids couldn't go swimming because of thunder. Needless to say, they were very bummed. On Tuesday, the power went out for 3-4 hours. At the beginning of dinner, all the kids prayed at once for the power to return, but it remained off. It was bounce house night and as dinner ended and we still had no power, things were beginning to look a little grim. RB and Van gathered up the kids again and as they were beginning to pray again that the lights would come on, they did! Some of the kids were yelling, "There is a God!" :) All I can say is that the Holy Spirit just showed up at the end of camp. On the last night, they had a powerful testimony from one of the counselors, followed by a skit about chains being broken in our lives. Randy just sent all the cabins outside with the instructions that they should pray together as a cabin before going back to their cabins. I was a mentor for a cabin of girls and so I went with them. They prayed and cried and talked a little and then I blessed them individually. But I never got to one of the counselors because she was filled with the Holy Spirit. The whole camp heard her crying and yelling and laughing (for about 15 minutes). I realize that some of you reading this are uncomfortable with this story - I was a bit uncomfortable with the situation at first - but then I remembered that we had been asking God to come and do whatever He wanted! So I just moved out of the way and let God do what He wanted. :) As this counselor was getting up to return to her cabin, McKenna came running to me crying and unable to talk. She finally communicated that God was speaking through a couple of boys from Josiah's cabin. And He was. They had just been filled with the Spirit. The whole cabin was weeping. And Tavius (one of our Mighty Men's little brothers) was prophesying and praying for one hour! He confessed and repented of everything he could think of, he kept telling everyone he loved them. He was praying things that he never would've known how to pray. Same with another kid from my boys' football team named Carl. They had been overcome with the love of God in the Holy Spirit and it was absolutely beautiful. Another one of our MM who was a counselor was weeping with Randy for a long time, just realizing how blessed he was and talking a lot about how much he had been given. He used to be one of these kids who didn't want to go home because home was so horrible (now his mama is a Jesus-lover!). His heart was breaking for them and gratitude was being released in him again. And I just have to add that he told RB that night that he hasn't looked at porn in 3 years and is still a virgin. YESSSSSS!!!! I just cannot TELL you how much that encouraged my faith!!! :) Anyway! At the end of the night (at 2 a.m.) Van Gravitt's oldest 2 boys were baptized! The whole night was such a faith-builder! We came home full and changed. And so did those boys. 7 boys went to church with us Sunday a.m. and then came to lunch at our house afterwards. Carl had been reading his Bible and could tell you the dimensions of the ark and that people used to live to be 900 years old! Tavius and Carl both said that they had stopped listening to rap and that they were now changed. And I have never heard such expression of gratitude in my home from these kids before. I heard more thank-yous than I ever have. The fruit of the Spirit is growing already!! And another cool thing is that I wanted them at my house. I wasn't feeling like some martyr because I was having to serve them etc. Trust me, this is a miracle from Jesus.

Mercy, this post is long! I just love it when Jesus takes us in all our brokenness and dysfunction and loves us and leads us into His love. That's what I"m asking for right now. To be filled with His love. I'm tired of being so in love with myself. And after experiencing a little taste of life being more outward focused in the last week, I'm ready for MORE! And trust me, apart from Him, it is IMPOSSIBLE! Okay, speaking of life being outward, I have to go love and train some sweet children now....JESUS IS BEAUTIFUL!!!