beauty

My guess is that I'll never publish this because I'll conclude that it's too "cheesy," but I'm overwhelmed with something that I must try to put into words (and then erase from the slate if deemed necessary by my "rational" mind). Beauty. I've been extremely frustrated all week because I am longing for it, needing to taste it and touch it and bask in it. When I encounter it, I am easily moved to quiet tears trickling down my cheeks (which could easily become weeping if I really let myself go there). Beauty in words. In my children's eyes. In the leaves that are steadily losing their green. In photos that touch the deep places in my soul. In music. In the smell of pumpkin and cinnamon and warm soup and chocolate. In laughter. In candlelight and warm fires.... The problem is that my encounters seem short-lived and interrupted these days. Instead of long and satisfying drinks, they have become tiny sips that don't quench the thirst of my parched senses. Interrupted by the hurricane-like wreckage that surrounds me in what is supposed to be my home, my refuge. Interrupted by mountains of laundry that understand multiplication and know nothing of subtraction! Interrupted by the noise of sibling squabbles that seem to never find their end. Interrupted by endless demands and the disquieting realization that I can never meet them all. Interrupted by the reality of my own brokenness and that of fellow beauty-seekers around me. Interrupted by the racing of a mind that cannot find its quiet place of rest. But what am I really longing for? Is it really a perfectly ordered home and peaceful children and neighbors who aren't seeking that extra $5 to cover one more drink? No. I am longing for Beauty. He has a name. He has a face. He is the Author of the words that cover my weary soul. He is the One singing over me. He paints a canvas of beauty that cannot even be described by human tongue. His laughter is deep and endless. And He smells and tastes sweet. All that I see and touch and smell and hear now is flowing directly from Him - and He is always available and He is more than a little "sip." And somehow when He is the One on whom my gaze stays fixed, the chaos and the noise and the laundry and the brokenness take on a beauty that finds its roots in hope. And hope does not disappoint. And His kingdom is breaking in now. Thank You that You don't leave us parched, Holy Spirit. Thank You that Your beauty brings life. I think I can sleep now.

my sick husband

My not-wimpy husband just needs people to know right now that he's very sick - he's thinking it's the flu.  If you know Randy at all, you know that he RARELY gets sick so he's needing a little sympathy.  I have decided that I'm now in charge temporarily and I'm making him stay in bed tomorrow.  Seriously, pray that the rest of us don't get sick.  Don't need lots of people coughing their lungs up around a new baby when she gets here!!  (Now he's saying it must be West Nile virus...oh, the drama....)

Luke's tackle!

Luke has not enjoyed Como tackle football quite as much as he had hoped he would, but it has been a good growing experience for him and we are so proud of him for sticking with it!  On Saturday he had his best game ever!  He started this week, played the whole game, and made several great tackles.  He even sacked the quarterback, which I just happened to get a picture of!  Go Lukey!

my little boy - do these two spell TROUBLE or what?

What is UP with all the girly stuff?

This is what happens when I'm not paying attention - my big bruiser carrying around a pink purse wearing hot pink crocs!?!

one more quote

I'm also reading through this Bible study/devotional book by a woman named Amber Van Schooneveld who works for Compassion International as a photographer and writer (I think I already quoted her in another post).  It's called Hope Lives and I HIGHLY recommend it!!!  It really is one of the best books about the poor that I've ever read.  Anyway, this quote made me cry as I saw that this is how I've been perceiving myself (the "queen", not the "fellow guest"):

"I want God to transform my heart by the Holy Spirit so that I love what God loves, so that mercy naturally flows out of me.  I want to show others mercy because it was first shown to me; to offer mercy to others as fellow guests at God's table, not as a benevolent queen offering scraps to beggars at my feet."  Ugh.  This changes everything.

Confessions of a hypocrite - part 2

So what's my point about that "essence" thing?  I think that I have once again become complacent about my walk with Jesus, thinking that I've moved here and that's good enough.  I mean, I know more about the poor now and so it's easy to begin to think that I love them.  While it's true that I know God has/is changing my heart, I wouldn't say that I am proactively seeking to love the people around me (often those in my very own house).  Here are some of the things that God begin to use to highlight this truth to me (and please know that as a woman who has spent most of my life in the depressed/comparison pit of hell, that's not what I'm experiencing here; it's the kind of "pressure" that is clearly from the Lord because there is not condemnation, just gentle conviction from a kind Father):

*someone recently hooked us up with a link to a ministry in Nashville that a couple started called Front Porch.  They moved to the "hood" with their 4 children, not knowing what God was going to do with them.  It quickly became obvious that they were supposed to be loving the children and their house is alive with LOTS of kids all the time.  As the woman spoke about these kids and their families, she was about to cry.  I realized how cynical I've become instead of broken-hearted.  I wouldn't cry over the kids (or adults) in my hood right now.  Hard revelation because there's no doubt in my heart that Jesus would.

*While we were in Tennessee I read a book called Living on the Devil's Doorstep by Floyd McClung.  He's an old YWAM guy that has been to our church and spoken at World Mandate more than once.  This book is his own story about how his family started ministries involving people on the "hippie trail" back in the 70's and how they moved into the Red Light District in Amsterdam.  They did it without and then with children.  Here is an encouraging (and convicting) quote from his book about their decision to move into the R Light District:

"God was not just calling Sally and me to this work - He was calling us as a family, which meant the children as well, and as such He would look after us and protect us.  We had to be prepared to act on the belief that our security was in God, not where we lived.  If we followed Him in faith and humility, trusting Him for all that we needed, then we felt we would be bequeathing a spiritual legacy to our children that would mean far more than any amount of money or material happiness.  We believed that there were more pitfalls and dangers facing those living in the apparent safety and serenity of suburbia, who have one eye on the mortgage and the other on the video recorder.

"There are Christians living in such neighborhoods because they know that they have been called there to be salt and light, so it is God's sovereign lordship in their lives that keeps them there.  But many people are living in comfort because they simply want to be there.  Despite all we have experienced since moving into the Red Light District [and let me just say here that Como looks like "Mayberry" compared to this place in Holland!!], we still believe that these families face greater danger than we do.  In fact, we believe one of the reasons God called us to live in the heart of the city was to challenge other families about their values and direction in life.  God wants to use every family in some form of ministry, and that only comes as parents seek God for His purposes for their family collectively."

          "The muggers, the porn marketers, and the drug pushers are all recognizable threats.  The lure of materialism and its spirit-sapping insidiousness is far harder to identify, but it can be equally devastating in its effect on a family.  You can't get much further from God than a life in which you, and not He, are number one.  Some people get their kicks from handing over money - for drugs, sex, or whatever.  Others get theirs by making money and hoarding it.  Each is a form of addiction to what they perceive as personal happiness, whether it is a drug-blown oblivion or designer-style living."  

So shouldn't I feel just great about myself after reading such a quote?  I mean, I've moved my family to a lower class neighborhood, right?  What I've been realizing, though, is that while I've moved physically, my heart hasn't moved as much toward loving people as I would like.  You can live anywhere and still have a divided heart (been praying Psalm 86 a lot).  And you can still live here and worship the god of materialism.  As I read about the McClung family and how they had to depend on God for their food at times and for virtually everything materially, I was envious.  I don't know God in that way.  As Christmas approaches, RB and I are in a "wrestling match" with the Lord again about how we can find Jesus in the holiday that supposedly celebrates Him.  He seems to get buried under the avalanche of stuff every year in spite of our weak attempts to change it.  Anyway, that's another post!  :) 

Another part of the book that got me thinking was Floyd's story about a man who discipled him early on before he was even married.  He was an old man in his 70's who was still pouring out his life for Jesus.  He would take Floyd with him to other countries and was constantly asking him if he cared.  If he really cared.  Floyd began to realize that he really didn't and as he watched this old mentor weep over the broken, his heart was also changed forever.  I want to REALLY care!!  

This is just another part of our journey that God has us on right now.  For the past year or so, God has been completely transforming both Randy and me concerning marriage and family.  He had to pull us away from being overcommitted to some outside ministries so that He could walk us through growing some deep roots at home that weren't there when we moved here.  Now He's leading us - as a family - into another level and it's exciting and scary and overwhelming some days.  But we both have the sense that something is coming.  You know what I mean?  And now I'm beginning to ask Him more for His love to be released in me as I see more of HIS love.  Beth Moore said in a Bible study, "You will always be reflection of the God that you perceive."  Can't love others without a revelation of His love for us.  It's messy.  It's not convenient.  It's scary at times.  But I think my soul is longing for a little "mess" again.  And how will my children learn the love of Christ for people, esp. the poor if all we do is talk about it?  They will only be discipled as we walk in integrity.  Lord, give me an undivided heart that I may fear your name!!   

confessions of a hypocrite - part 1

So I was sitting in the lap of luxury a week ago tonight - and loving it.  If you know my husband at all, you know that he has been through seasons in which he cannot enjoy such extravagance because of the guilt it produces, etc.  We both decided before we went that we were going to receive that gift with the deepest gratitude and enjoy it with everything that was within us.  We did and there was no guilt.  In fact, Blackberry Farm will forever be burned in my memory as one of the sweetest trips I've ever had with my husband.  No fighting.  Contentment.  Beauty.  Remembering the kingdom of God is coming in all its power and we get to experience little tastes of things on this earth when everything is "as it should be."  But that trip served as my wake up call to something that God has been stirring in me over the past 4-5 months; as much as I want to ignore Him and go on with life as usual, I cannot.  I want to experience more of Him more than I want to stay "safe". 

Now begin my ramblings about pride.  It began to make its presence known when our friends from San Antonio moved here this summer.  [I'll warn you that the following confessions are VERY ugly, but my hope is that the beauty of the riches of Christ's grace will be magnified in the depravity of my weakness!]  Suddenly I realized that I was entertaining thoughts of how now I might have to "do" more so that we could keep up with whatever our friends were doing.  I was worried that maybe they would know more people than we did within weeks (they actually probably DO!  LOL!  God has gifted them with a knack for making people feel at ease and getting to know them quickly - it's beautiful!)  Ugly, almost territorial, thoughts.  I almost felt like a junior high kid with all my old insecurities/comparisons going on.  Good grief.  Can we say "grow up"?  I kept telling Randy that I knew all this was just ridiculous, but I couldn't seem to shake the thoughts and emotions that were rising up about how my "status" felt threatened.  I am just humiliated to even write those words (but praising God because those feelings are now gone, thank you Jesus!).  But what it made me realize was that I had begun to really relish the praises of men and had stopped bothering to concern myself with what God thought.  Although I probably wouldn't have verbalized it this way, I think I was in essence telling God that at least I moved to the hood - wasn't that enough?  Doesn't that somehow earn me some "extra credit" in heaven?  I mean, after all, look at all that I've given up.  Gag.  I've given up NOTHING!  "For you know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that thought He was rich [understatement of the century!!], yet for your sakes, He became poor, so that you through His poverty might become rich."  II Cor. 8:9   Here's a favorite quote from a book I'm reading:  "An occasional guilt or benevolence offering isn't what God wants from me.  True charity is love.  True charity is mercy.  And it's not extra credit, not an addendum to my faith.  As Christians, it's who we are; it's our essence."  

Okay, part 2 tomorrow; I'm falling asleep and my head is actually bobbing up and down.  ;)  

a few more Blackberry pics

we drove to Cade's Cove in Smoky Mountain National Park on Saturday, a historic log cabin community

I got to drive THE CAR

we knew that this place provided a couple of Lexus for you to take off-property, but my hubby was pretty excited when they pulled up this 2010 convertible - he had WAY too much fun on those curvy mountain roads (and I started getting a little car sick!! :))

we felt a little conspicuous in this little toy at the state park

waiting around after we checked out for our taxi to arrive - this was one of our favorite little spots; there was a little bubbling stream with rainbow trout on the other side...missing it already - sigh.

Blackberry Farm

my handsome man!  :)

everyone keeps telling me how small I am - are they BLIND?!?!

Randy was a little nervous around this friendly horse.

part of our view at lunch and breakfast - this doesn't even begin to capture the breathtaking beauty!

we ate dinner in this little pavilion last night and got to sit with two other couples, one from Cleveland and one from Birmingham - that was a fun experience (and made us really thankful for our world back in the hood!)

Randy's parents gave us a wonderful Christmas gift last year of a trip to this place near Knoxville, TN called Blackberry Farm.  It is WONDERFUL!  In fact, I've been reluctant to blog about it because I know that I cannot do it justice with my weak words, but I'll try to describe a few things before I enter my next eternal blog about my own pride, the poor, and what God is calling us to during the new season of life we're about to enter!

Let's just say that we are in a world that is not our "own" and of which we are pretty unfamiliar, but we are relishing every minute of it, receiving it as a beautiful gift from God!  We keep thinking of people who we would love to send out here, but it would be a little out of our budget!  :)  First of all, the natural beauty that surrounds us is astounding!  We're right on the Smoky Mountains and in the middle of all these beautiful rolling hills.  Towering trees dot the landscape and you wouldn't believe the noise - THERE ISN'T ANY!!  Except for an occasional bird or lowing of cattle, it is so QUIET and peaceful.  It's a wonderful place to "dial down" and be silent before God and hear His voice.  Randy and I have already had some sweet times of prayer and plan on more today.  I've taken a few pics, but they just can't do this place justice.  It's so much more beautiful than what my wimpy little camera can capture.  The food is also amazing!  We don't even know how to pronounce many of our choices :), but we haven't sampled anything yet that we just didn't like (ok, except for a couple of cheeses).  There are several courses, "gifts" from the chef, and they wait on you hand and foot.  You don't "eat" here - you "dine".  :)  We have fun snacks (my favorite being individually packaged and boxed Dove chocolate ice cream bars) in our room and a small refrigerator fully stocked with drinks, a HUGE jacuzzi tub, heated tiles in the bathroom, a FIREPLACE (for those of you who know me well, the one thing I miss the MOST in my Como house is a fireplace - we've had a fire going almost non-stop), and a quaint little front porch with rocking chairs.  There are golf cart "roads" everywhere so that you can rent your own to explore the property.  They take you to your dinner location every night in a car and pretty much roll out the red carpet for you like you're some kind of royalty!  We're both very unaccustomed to such treatment and there are some things that make me really uncomfortable with it, BUT (that's for my other blog) and, like I said, we're enjoying every minute of it.  We've done nothing but eat, sleep (a lot - why are we SO tired??), and read books, with an occasional stroll or ride on a cart.  There is probably more I could say - in fact, I know it - but as I said before, my next post is going to be so long probably no one will ever read my blog again!