just to make me smile...

These two keep me laughing...who needs toys when you've got mom's boots and your pants pulled up to your armpits??!

a random pic that I love (okay two pics)

So our babysitter took these 2 photos on her phone this summer and I adore them! Maisie Burr and Piper Joy - LOVE this family and her mama is like a sister to me. Ami said that they look like a little Ami and Anda. ;) Sweet times!

The Brown and Burr girls (without their big sisters).

Luke and soccer

We've had fun watching Luke revisit soccer this season - this guy is FAST and I love watching him!

This is Luke's best friend, Austin - they've been buddies for as long as they can remember (age 2 or 3). So excited that they've been able to play soccer together this Fall!

a few pics for my own benefit

One mama referred to Josiah as a "pit bull" this year. The kid is not all that "beefy" but you can tell he had a little "Como football trainin'" in his younger years! Ha! He just won't let go - he did get this big guy down (often goes for ankles). ;)

I was out of town for this game. All my best friends AND my mother-in-law were there and no one told me about this little injury incident until 2 days later! Grandma just made sure he was okay and then told him to go on back out there! ha!

LOVE this picture! Grandma took around 170 pictures that p.m.!!! It was almost as if I was THERE!

new pics of the Browns in da hood!

To see a sneak peek of our latest family pics, go here: http://www.reflectinggrace.com/

Always love gearing up for all the whine and bribery of a good family picture! LOL! Can't wait to see the rest of these. Makes me love my little peeps even more! :)

the weight of the moment

These boys...

used to be these boys...

When I had my first baby, sweet McKenna, I was sure I was going to be the perfect parent, and God-help-you if you didn't totally agree with my method of parenting (I still had no children - I was just pregnant)?! When she was born, I was certain that if I didn't follow the perfect formula I was going to mess her up forever. Therefore, I let that poor thing cry for 45 minutes when she was only THREE DAYS OLD!! I was convinced (due to reading some probably not-so-Holy-Spirit-inspired literature) that to rock her or console her would most certainly result in a baby who never slept through the night, which would be miserable for me and prove my failure as a mother. The problem was that my sweet firstborn was colicky - at least I thought she was - she might have just been a normal baby with a really stressed out mother! So if I did rock her or do whatever needed to be done, I'd feel guilty or doubt every move I made because I was afraid it might be the wrong one! Merciful Jesus! That girl was sleeping through the night at 8 weeks and I had followed all the "rules" the best I knew how - but I had completely missed out on enjoying my sweet baby and had very rarely consulted the Holy Spirit on what HE wanted me to do. That book and every one else's opinion, had been my counselor. (I'm not saying there's no place for books and advice from others, but I wasn't seeking God - I was seeking a step-by-step plan to raise the perfect child. The Law kills. The Spirit gives LIFE! But that's another subject...)

So I can't go back and change any of that. I lay it down at the Cross and leave it there. But what CAN I do? Been reminded this week of Ann Voskamp's writing about the "sanctuary of time":

"Time is a relentless river. It rages on, a respecter of no one. And this, this is the only way to slow time: When I fully enter time's swift current, enter into the current moment with the weight of all my attention, I slow the torrent with the weight of me all here. I can slow the torrent by being all here. I only live the full life when I live fully in the moment. And when I'm always looking for the next glimpse of glory, I slow and enter. And time slows. Weigh down this moment in time with attention full, and the whole of time's river slows, slows, slows....This is where God is. In the present. I AM - His very name....I redeem time from neglect and apathy and inattentiveness when I swell with thanks and weigh the moment down....and I don't reach forward and I don't reach back and I weigh the moment down with full attention here."

Last p.m. I watched this 40 minute documentary called "Flame On" (http://www.flameon.net/) about this family who lost their five-yr-old son in a tragic accident. I bawled through the whole video, but I was so encouraged to cherish the moments with my children. Sobering reminder to be "all here".

So instead of swimming in the river of regret (I could be an Olympic athlete if this were a sport!) tonight I sat with my baby girl, Piper Joy, and slowed down time. I sat in the same chair in which I begrudgingly rocked McKenna 14 years ago...but tonight I noticed the creak of the cushions each time the chair stretched backwards, the low hum of the fan, the shadows cast on the wall by her crib, and the quiet breathing of a soft little life who had been crying out for a little extra cuddle time with her mama. I could have stayed there forever. Moment was softly broken by her sweet whisper that she needed her cup. Then I laid her down and tiptoed out of that holy moment, weighed down heavy by my extremely grateful heart, and with no regrets of having spent that extra 10 minutes in that rocking chair instead of doing something "productive."

This...

...becomes this...

...in the blink of an eye.

back from Blue Mountain Beach

a little preview of beach pics - hunting for crabs under a bridge :)

Sooooo....I have less than 2 minutes but wanted to jot down a few thoughts to prove that I'm alive! My FOURTEEN-YR-OLD (yes, I feel old) starts high school one week from today. My almost 2-yr-old is precious and TALKATIVE and adored by everyone in the family. I am full of a million ideas relating to marriage, motherhood, and living in the kingdom and have LITTLE perceived time to pursue even one of them. My house is a wreck due to another BED BUG incident and feels like it may never get put back together. Is it bad that I wanted to stay at the beach forever and that I want to cry when I see the 100+ temps AGAIN for the next 10 days on the forecast? Remembering today that God is infinitely GOOD and in LOVE with me in spite of all my crazy mess And laughing that my five-yr-old (WHO WILL START KINDERGARTEN IN 3 WEEKS) can read what I'm writing and is asking questions!! And can I also just say that Anda Brown will begin HOMESCHOOLING 2 of her children in 3 weeks???!!! Do any of you understand how this MUST be GOD??? My sweet Luke was sitting in the car on our 13 hour journey home yesterday and out of the blue says to me, "Mom, I just had a picture for you. You were this beautiful monarch butterfly and as you were flying you ran right into a telephone poll (he's giggling the whole time). But you just got right back up and started flying again!" Hmmm. Sounds like a word from Jesus to me. :)

What if I believed?

So I've read One Thousand Gifts once and I continue to flip through it, rereading my highlights that are heavy throughout the book. This a.m I was listening to T.D. Jakes talk about how you will "go where you're thinking. So if you think you're going down, that's exactly where you'll go." So I turned to the last chapter of Ann's book, entitled "The Joy of Intimacy". When one of my friends got to this chapter, she texted me and said that it was beautiful and scandalous. It is. I still keep trying to go there and wrap my mind around the truth of God as lover. She begins the chapter with this sentence: "I fly to Paris and discover how to make love to God." (p 201). John 15:4 - "Remain in Me and I will remain in you." John 14:20 - "I am in my Father, and you are in Me, and I am in you." Ann V's comment follows "He's calling me to graft on, become one with the True Vine, the vine the biblical symbol of joy, festivity...fullness. He's calling me to come and celebrate being made one, and in Him, by Him, to bear the fruit of the full life round." (p 212) Yes. I want to be pregnant with all the fullness that is promised in the Word!

So as I pondered T.D. Jakes comments about our thinking this a.m., I remembered a quote that will forever be burned in my brain from Ann V on p 205: "the only thing to rip out the tape echoing of self-rejection is the song of His serenade. One thousand gifts tuned me to the beat. It really is like C.S. Lewis argued: that the most fundamental thing is not how we think of God but rather what God thinks of us: 'How God thinks of us is not only more important, but infinitely more important.'" At first, this sounds a bit theologically unsound, right? I mean, the world doesn't revolve around us, and our thoughts should be consumed with thoughts of Him (yes, true, on one level). But if I see God as omnipotent, powerful, creator, King, Father, loving, compassionate, but have an inaccurate view of how He sees me, I will never enter into the abundant life He has promised. Never. Not knowing and believing that I am who He says I am is crippling. For life. So this a.m. I began meditating on how He feels about me in my journal...

What if I really believed that...

-God passionately loves me right now?

-I really am a passionate, powerful, worshipper warrior princess in the kingdom of my Father, the King?

-I am beautiful, clothed with Christ, crowned with love and conmpassion, wearing beautiful bridal clothes, garments of praise and NOT heaviness?

-I never get what deserve (hell)?

-God's intentions toward me and all His plans for today are good?

-I really am a confident and capable woman because of the cross?

-God really can conquer any mountain that appears insurmountable?

-He is doting on me with all His affection, attention, and encouragement?

-the King is enthralled by my beauty (Ps 45:11)?

-the King of the entire universe, most creative of all creators, most encouraging, passionate, powerful, holy, perfect, compassionate, gracious, merciful, forgiving being EVER to exist feels all of those things and acts on all of those things toward me??!

I'd probably smile. All over. :)

precious

Beautiful is holding a precious friend's hand as she delivers a little mighty man of God into this world. Thank you, God, for moments that stop time. Praise Your name for Your perfect timing in bringing Asa Burr into the world! Children are such a reward from heaven. :)

Psalm 86

Hear, O Lord, and answer me, for I am poor and needy. Guard my life, for am I devoted to You. You are my God; save Your servant who trusts in You. Have mercy on me, O Lord, for I call to You all day long. Bring joy to Your servant; for to You, O Lord, I lift up my soul. You are forgiving and good, O Lord, abounding in love to all who call to You. Hear my prayer, O Lord; listen to my cry for mercy. In the day of my trouble I will call to You, for You will answer me. Among the gods there is none like You, O Lord; no deeds can compare with Yours. All the nations You have made will come and worship before You, O Lord; they will bring glory to Your name. For You are great and do marvelous deeds; You alone are God. Teach me Your way, O Lord, and I will walk in Your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear Your name. I will praise You, O Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify Your name forever. For great is Your love toward me; You have delivered me from the depths of the grave. The arrogant are attacking me, O God; a band of ruthless men seeks my life--men without regard for You. But You, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness. Turn to me and have mercy on me; grant Your strength to Your servant and save the son of Your maidservant. Give me a sign of Your goodness, that my enemies may see it and be put to shame, for You, O Lord, have helped me and comforted me.

bye bye medicine

Well, after my mood got SOOO bad that I was ready to admit myself to a mental hospital (I'm sort of joking), I figured out that the meds were actually making everything worse (this can be a side effect). Been off for 4 days now. Went cold turkey - doctor hubby told me this was fine after only 2 weeks - and feeling so much better! Fog has cleared some and I am aware that there is a God again! :)

Here are some random pics from past few months (I'll post more later)...

This baby loves her "tutu" swimsuit!

I mean, seriously, I could eat her up!

"Bad" bye :( (but rejoicing too)

One of my dearest friends (Charlotte C) on the planet left for Uganda in May. They left everything to follow Jesus to the other side of the world. We miss them LOTS, but we know they are right in the middle of God's dreams for the people in Uganda!

Lily and McKenna

Jeff and his parents (hardest thing was watching Charlotte's mom and these sweet parents saying goodbye to their kids and grandkids)

Lakehouse trip back in April

Our teenagers - leading some beautiful worship! (Jonathan brought Matthew Miller along so he wouldn't be the only "older" one - he was loved on by LOTS of little ones! ha!)

These girls have written some amazing songs together! Seriously.

our seven-yr-old sweeties :)

Oldies played basketball with Matthew and Jonathan - they survived (barely)

Josiah shot this rattlesnake with his bow and arrow!

more pics...

Tiffany and Ami (not sure why Lexi is not in any of these pics!)

Just SOME of our children. Four couples; 19 kids. LOL!

the golf cart is always a bit crowded...

depression

I'm depressed. For months, only my closest friends have known, but now I'm posting it on the world wide web. Whenever I'm sharing my testimony, I'm always referring to my depression as something in my past that I've been delivered from - and I know that the truth is that I HAVE been delivered from it. I will never be where I was before. But I am in the dark right now and today I decided that maybe it would benefit someone to hear about it while I'm in the middle of it instead of when it's in the past.

I've been reading The Silver Chair by C.S. Lewis (one of the Chronicles of Narnia) to my girls at bedtime. Seriously, reading those books is a spiritual experience. EVERYONE should read them (I'm embarrassed to admit that I've only completely read TWO of them, but it's my goal to read all of them this summer)! There are a couple of quotes that describe depression so perfectly. At one point in the story, the 3 main characters have fallen into the "Underland", the place where the evil witch reigns. It is dark, sad, and gloomy there with no natural light anywhere. They are being taken to the castle of the queen (witch) on a boat and here their experience is described: "Presently they were given food - flat, flabby cakes of some sort which had hardly any taste. And after that, they gradually fell asleep. But when they woke, everything was just the same; the gnomes still rowing, the ship still gliding on, still dead blackness ahead. How often they woke and slept and ate and slept again, none of them could ever remember. And the worst thing about it was that you began to feel as if you had always lived on that ship, in that darkness, and to wonder whether sun and blue skies and wind and birds had not been only a dream." Another quote that struck me last night was when Prince Rillian is released from the curse that he's been put under by the witch in which he cannot remember who he is. After he destroys the silver chair in which he is bound every night, he says to his rescuers who have obeyed the voice of Aslan, "For now that I am myself I can remember that enchanted life, though while I was enchanted I could not remember my true self." {This whole post is probably very confusing if you haven't read The Silver Chair, but if you have, you know why it is so powerful a story right now for me}. That so describes depression - when you are not in it anymore, you can remember what it's like to be depressed, but when you are actually covered by the cloud ("enchantment"), you have to fight to remember anything about your true self and you are easily convinced that maybe your true self never really existed. So for now, I just keep going. And I am also taking the advice of my hubby and starting anti-depressants. I have fought doing this again. Not sure why - it just seems like I'm giving up on God. But I know that's not true. Wishing I could solve all of this with enough prayer, enough good health habits, enough exercise, enough of whatever...like everything else, there aren't a whole lot of "perfect" solutions. For now, we'll just keep trying to take the next step with God.

Lots to write about...

So we were in Midland this past weekend and someone said to my husband, "I used to read your blog, but you stopped blogging!" It was the second comment last week that I heard about our blogging (or lack of). I think I hit a couple of "bumps" over the past couple of years that made me shy away from blogging a bit. But Randy said to me the other night that I should write again, without worrying about what people think or say. SO! Realizing that God uses writing as "therapy" for my own heart, I'm going to give it a try again.

But there are SOOOO many things to write about! Our mission trip to San Diego last week, my kids schooling next year, a TON of pictures, the fragile state of my heart, and many other "ponderings" that my heart has been holding. Where to start, where to start...Pictures are always good! Here are a couple of shots of my precious baby's first haircut:

Our Piper Joy is such a delight. Really. McKenna says at least once a day, "I love this baby!" Our favorite thing to tell her is "Cheer up, Piper!" She is one of the happiest kids I've ever known. She didn't even think about crying for her first haircut.

I know my last post was a bit depressing. Sorry. It's where I was (and where I've been for several months now). I had lunch with a few friends yesterday and as they listened to the Lord, they had a couple of words for me. One saw a picture of me lying flat on my back needing CPR. She saw herself giving it to me. She said I've been living "inside my head" too much lately and that I needed to share with my kids how stuck I feel and get them to pray for me! I have been attempting to hide my despondency because I have spent so many days in previous years speaking out the lies of the enemy that I was believing. But in not communicating where I am, I have begun to shut down my heart and to let the lies scream at me inside my head. When they're not brought out into the light, they only gain power. So today, I plan to tell my children that I love Jesus and I love them, and that for whatever reason I feel stuck in the "down" and have them lay hands on me and pray. My other friend heard the scripture Psalm 126 yesterday and when we looked it up, it was clearly God speaking: "When the Lord brought back the captives to Zion, we were like men who dreamed. Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with songs of joy. Then it was said among the nations, 'The Lord has done great things for them.' The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy. Restore our fortunes, O Lord, like streams in the Negev. Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him. Thankful to walk with these women who deeply love Jesus. I have seen the face of God in our community, which is His kingdom come to earth. He demonstrates His love through the Body over and over again. I love seeing this part of His plan worked out in the flesh! Thanks, sweet sisters! And thank you, Lord, for always providing exactly what we need. The Lord is "on our side...Our help is in the name of the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth." (Psalm 124:1, 8)

wonderings and wanderings in dark places

Hey friends. Guessing that no one has visited this blog in ages. Lots of neglect, like so many other things in my life. I am awake at 1 a.m. for reasons that I cannot exactly define. Could be that I took some "mood booster" vitamin supplements a little too late in the day? Or it could be that my mind is racing through the sludge again and I can't seem to stop it. I hesitate to share some of my thoughts here because I don't want to send anyone running to the phone to see if I'm denouncing my faith - I'm not. But have you ever been through those seasons when you wonder what in the world you're doing with God? Like...you wonder if all of this is for real and if it is, if YOU'RE for real. I think I've been wondering if maybe I've fallen into a bit of playing a part that I know I'm supposed to play. Pray when I'm supposed to. Say the "right" things to whoever. Play the role of happy mom when inside I feel like I'm withering away (like my kids are really fooled anyway). Okay, maybe that sounded a little dramatic. It's one in the morning, okay? I find it fascinating to think about what people think about others' lives. How often do we compare ourselves with the "so and so's" who have the oh-so-perfect-life-story (when really, very few people know the inside scoop on most people's lives). One could make quite a story about our lives - high school sweethearts wed, follow Jesus into the hood, have seven wonderful kids (and they are), and live happily ever after on the edge for God. Sounds gloriously wonderful and on some level I know that it is, but it doesn't feel like it right now. High school sweethearts are broken and need Jesus in dark seasons of marriage, those who live among the poor can become cynical and disengaged, seven children...that's a lot of relationship under one roof, and life just doesn't seem like a fairy tale a lot of times when you're on the inside of the story. But honestly, without seasons of wandering with God, it wouldn't be much of a story anyway. It would be boring. No one would want to read it. Real LIFE is birthed out of pain. Real intimacy with Jesus is birthed out of wondering if He's around sometimes. I know this and so tonight I will practice gratitude again and trust that He is doing more than I can see. And maybe tomorrow I'll post some pictures and you can erase this depressing post from your minds! ;)