the weight of the moment

These boys...

used to be these boys...

When I had my first baby, sweet McKenna, I was sure I was going to be the perfect parent, and God-help-you if you didn't totally agree with my method of parenting (I still had no children - I was just pregnant)?! When she was born, I was certain that if I didn't follow the perfect formula I was going to mess her up forever. Therefore, I let that poor thing cry for 45 minutes when she was only THREE DAYS OLD!! I was convinced (due to reading some probably not-so-Holy-Spirit-inspired literature) that to rock her or console her would most certainly result in a baby who never slept through the night, which would be miserable for me and prove my failure as a mother. The problem was that my sweet firstborn was colicky - at least I thought she was - she might have just been a normal baby with a really stressed out mother! So if I did rock her or do whatever needed to be done, I'd feel guilty or doubt every move I made because I was afraid it might be the wrong one! Merciful Jesus! That girl was sleeping through the night at 8 weeks and I had followed all the "rules" the best I knew how - but I had completely missed out on enjoying my sweet baby and had very rarely consulted the Holy Spirit on what HE wanted me to do. That book and every one else's opinion, had been my counselor. (I'm not saying there's no place for books and advice from others, but I wasn't seeking God - I was seeking a step-by-step plan to raise the perfect child. The Law kills. The Spirit gives LIFE! But that's another subject...)

So I can't go back and change any of that. I lay it down at the Cross and leave it there. But what CAN I do? Been reminded this week of Ann Voskamp's writing about the "sanctuary of time":

"Time is a relentless river. It rages on, a respecter of no one. And this, this is the only way to slow time: When I fully enter time's swift current, enter into the current moment with the weight of all my attention, I slow the torrent with the weight of me all here. I can slow the torrent by being all here. I only live the full life when I live fully in the moment. And when I'm always looking for the next glimpse of glory, I slow and enter. And time slows. Weigh down this moment in time with attention full, and the whole of time's river slows, slows, slows....This is where God is. In the present. I AM - His very name....I redeem time from neglect and apathy and inattentiveness when I swell with thanks and weigh the moment down....and I don't reach forward and I don't reach back and I weigh the moment down with full attention here."

Last p.m. I watched this 40 minute documentary called "Flame On" (http://www.flameon.net/) about this family who lost their five-yr-old son in a tragic accident. I bawled through the whole video, but I was so encouraged to cherish the moments with my children. Sobering reminder to be "all here".

So instead of swimming in the river of regret (I could be an Olympic athlete if this were a sport!) tonight I sat with my baby girl, Piper Joy, and slowed down time. I sat in the same chair in which I begrudgingly rocked McKenna 14 years ago...but tonight I noticed the creak of the cushions each time the chair stretched backwards, the low hum of the fan, the shadows cast on the wall by her crib, and the quiet breathing of a soft little life who had been crying out for a little extra cuddle time with her mama. I could have stayed there forever. Moment was softly broken by her sweet whisper that she needed her cup. Then I laid her down and tiptoed out of that holy moment, weighed down heavy by my extremely grateful heart, and with no regrets of having spent that extra 10 minutes in that rocking chair instead of doing something "productive."

This...

...becomes this...

...in the blink of an eye.