wonderings and wanderings in dark places

Hey friends. Guessing that no one has visited this blog in ages. Lots of neglect, like so many other things in my life. I am awake at 1 a.m. for reasons that I cannot exactly define. Could be that I took some "mood booster" vitamin supplements a little too late in the day? Or it could be that my mind is racing through the sludge again and I can't seem to stop it. I hesitate to share some of my thoughts here because I don't want to send anyone running to the phone to see if I'm denouncing my faith - I'm not. But have you ever been through those seasons when you wonder what in the world you're doing with God? Like...you wonder if all of this is for real and if it is, if YOU'RE for real. I think I've been wondering if maybe I've fallen into a bit of playing a part that I know I'm supposed to play. Pray when I'm supposed to. Say the "right" things to whoever. Play the role of happy mom when inside I feel like I'm withering away (like my kids are really fooled anyway). Okay, maybe that sounded a little dramatic. It's one in the morning, okay? I find it fascinating to think about what people think about others' lives. How often do we compare ourselves with the "so and so's" who have the oh-so-perfect-life-story (when really, very few people know the inside scoop on most people's lives). One could make quite a story about our lives - high school sweethearts wed, follow Jesus into the hood, have seven wonderful kids (and they are), and live happily ever after on the edge for God. Sounds gloriously wonderful and on some level I know that it is, but it doesn't feel like it right now. High school sweethearts are broken and need Jesus in dark seasons of marriage, those who live among the poor can become cynical and disengaged, seven children...that's a lot of relationship under one roof, and life just doesn't seem like a fairy tale a lot of times when you're on the inside of the story. But honestly, without seasons of wandering with God, it wouldn't be much of a story anyway. It would be boring. No one would want to read it. Real LIFE is birthed out of pain. Real intimacy with Jesus is birthed out of wondering if He's around sometimes. I know this and so tonight I will practice gratitude again and trust that He is doing more than I can see. And maybe tomorrow I'll post some pictures and you can erase this depressing post from your minds! ;)