ingratitude

Not going to go into a long explanation of why, but for some reason, I'm fighting against the poison of ingratitude right now. It is my default. Critical spirit - of myself, my circumstances, my people in this house. I H.A.T.E. it. I'm reading Ann Voskamp's new book, One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are. Here's a quote I just read (I'm sure I'll be posting more in the days to come): "Isn't it here? The wonder? Why do I spend so much of my living hours struggling to see it? Do we truly stumble so blind tht we must be affronted with blinding magnificence for our blurry soul-sight to recognize grandeur? The very same surging magnificence that cascades over our every day here. Who has time or eyes to notice? All my eyes can seem to fixate on are the splatters of disappointment across here and me."

where JOY comes from

Just a little revelation I've been meditating on for the past few days...

Due to the media void that we experienced over the last week, I found myself thinking and dreaming about all that I want myself, my marriage, my children, my home life, etc to be. Found that it all was falling terribly short. LOL! I also found that I was blatantly insufficient to meet my children's needs, made really obvious when I had 3 or 4 asking me for help, etc. all at the same time. I was so discouraged and hopeless last Monday p.m. I cried my eyes out as I went to bed with a bewildered husband lying next to me not knowing what to say. Then Jesus spoke the next morning. "The joy of the Lord will be your strength" (Nehemiah).... Getting it all right will never be my strength (and if it was, I'd be super prideful), my circumstances cannot be my strength. The JOY of the LORD is my strength. Available 24/7. He is overflowing with inexpressible JOY!

We fired our #1 and longest employed babysitter...JOY has taken her place

Last week we made an important and life-changing decision - we fired our primary babysitter. She had been quite reliable over the years. She never made rash or unpredictable decisions. She cared little about what anyone thought about her; in fact, she was quite indifferent. And while she showed no particular interest in the well-being of my children, they were always quite mesmerized with her and her skills for entertaining at any time, day or night. I had heard others say over the years that she had highly honed skills of getting the kids "out of my hair", but I began to realize that no where in the Word of God does He address tactics parents should employ to "get their children out of their hair." In fact, quite the contrary: "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Wirte them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates." (Deut 6:5-9) Okay, so she wasn't doing anything to teach them about the Lord. And here's why we fired her - I had begun to overuse her. She appeared to never grow tired, but somehow my children were. I noticed that after having been with her, they were more prone to bickering, throwing fits, complaining, being disrespectful. Their love for each other seemed to wane. Their tendency to argue with me and with each other seemed to increase. Their child-like creativity was fading and being replaced by a dumb stare. When she wasn't babysitting them, they couldn't seem to find anything to do - they had forgotten how to PLAY!

So last week we decided that the cost of keeping her around was just too great - we fired her.

THE BIG BOX ON THE WALL THAT HAS SERVED AS A RELIABLE BABYSITTER FOR ME FOR YEARS HAS BEEN FIRED!

As of a week and a half ago, my children have watched no t.v. and played no more video games and we are rediscovering what it means to be child-like and what it means to be family. We haven't even had cable in 14 years, but it's amazing to me how much that box has had control. I had been using it to "watch" my kids as my kids watched it way too often lately - just PBS Kids and dvds you might say, but it was too much. Add video systems to that and you have media overload. And what was our default family night? Watching a movie together. I must say here that there is nothing inherently wrong with family movie night or in playing video games, but I have also been forced lately to answer the question: what fruit do they produce? A few times (although rarely) I suppose it produced something good...a little family bonding or togetherness? But not communication. Not relationship. Not engaging with our own hearts or the hearts of others. And very often they produced discontentment.

BUT GOD, in His great mercy, didn't let us stay there. He rescued us! And although I would say that the past week and a half has been difficult and has actually left me in tears a few times at the end of the day, it has been 100% worth it. Last Saturday p.m. we turned up the music, danced with each other, and had a "fashion show." One night this week, my children decided to read Sandra Boynton board books aloud while some of the others "acted" them out. It was hilarious. Last night we had family night and played with Polly Pockets and Toy Story people on the floor and then the boys created some interesting game with their toy cars (it involved throwing and hitting them). The rest of us read books or created beautiful artwork. We have talked more, touched each other more, prayed more, had more conversations, just been together more. Don't get me wrong - it hasn't felt particularly glorious at the time! But when I look back at the fruit, it tastes sweet and I do not regret our decision. Engaging in relationship is much more difficult, but it is the essence of abiding in Christ. I was reading John 15 this a.m. in my time with Jesus. Jesus repeatedly says things about if you love Him, you will obey His commands. I think I've always read this and thought "Wow, that's a long list." No, it's actually not. Verse 12: "My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you." Verse 17: "This is My command: Love each other." Not long. Not complicated. Love Jesus, love each other. They are inseperable. And I think I can confidently say that they have been a bit more difficult for our family as we have let the BIG BOX BABYSITTER take a higher place than Jesus and people. Ugh...isn't a more accurate term for that...idol?

I know some reading this are going to think I'm making judgments on everyone who has a television. No I'm not! But I am asking some hard questions right now that have been rolling around in my brain for quite some time about technology in general. There is an image that will forever be burned in my brain from the holidays. The Mighty Men came over on Christmas Eve for dinner and some of them arrived at my house before I did. When I came in there were 5-6 teenage boys sitting around in my living room...staring at the faces...OF THEIR PHONES!!!!! Not talking, not communicating at all (except for an occasional grunt), not acting ALIVE! It made me so sad. Really sad. Is this really what Jesus would have been doing with these boys? All I'm saying is that we live in a culture in which there are always battles to fight and I'm wondering if maybe we should declare war on how media is creeping in and stealing authentic relationship (yes, it could be argued that technology has made communication easier on many levels - I would agree, but could it be said that it has increased depth of relationship and community)?

I don't know all the answers. All I know is that I like the results of this experiment so far - MORE JOY - and I'm not going to be "re-hiring" our babysitter any time soon! :)

random pics of some of my babies

my big girl rocking her baby - she is one of the most joyful babies I've EVER known!

I just found a few scrapbook pages I had done for Malachi and he has looked at them over and over again - poor kid; sometimes it's rough being #6!

My oldest and my youngest - Piper loves her big sister.

Moriah turned SEVEN!!

Our Moriah Grace turned seven last week on January 19th. We are delighted with you and all that you are, sweet girl. You are a beautiful gift from God and you are destined to be a mighty prayer warrior in His kingdom, now and for the rest of your life. You will be like a tree planted by streams of water as your blessing from Jeremiah 17 says. The enemy's schemes against you will NOT succeed and you will lead many others to understand the divine power available to them by the power of the cross. You ARE full of the grace and truth of Jesus and we are so full of love for you. May this year be a special year for you as you are filled with a joyful passion like you've never known before!

On Tuesday night, she got to enjoy a "stuffed animal" party at our house with 5 of her friends!

playing freeze dance

Katherine, Grace, Mia, Olivia, Moriah, and Lily - fun, beautiful girls!

more birthday pics

breakfast birthday coffee cake - a Brown family tradition

big brother is starting to look older - isn't he handsome? :)

her favorite shirt from her Nana and Papa

Moriah's 7-yr-old princess dress

When McKenna turned seven, Randy bought her a beautiful flower girl "princess" dress that would remind her of how beautiful she is. We've decided to make it a family tradition for the girls on their seventh birthday and it was very timely for Moriah this year. She's been a little down lately and this sweet gift from her Daddy was a beautiful picture of how God loves us. And I couldn't stop watching her SMILE last night! She danced with Daddy and made her mama cry. :)

I think she likes it!

Yeah...can't you just see them in 20 years dancing at her wedding!?!

more of Moriah's dress

sweet, beautiful girl

checking out the swirl/spinning quality of her dress

too much

Blackberry Farm. Bed bugs. Disney World. Piper's first birthday. Sickness. Sleepless nights. Christmas tree decorating. Thanksgiving feasts. Women of Grace........so much going on in life. Pictures of most of it. Too tired to blog. Maybe when I'm 80??? :)

large family...

(This is actually Anda writing): So I bought this book called "Large Family Logistics" hoping to get some helpful little hints for running the show around here. One of my kids sees the title and says "What? Is that book about how to have a large family?" A couple of the olders start giggling as I say "No...." And he says, "Oh yeah, y'all already know how to do that!" More giggles from the more informed of my offspring and the mama who can't suppress the laughter anymore. I love these kids!

Nothing important to say

There is just something so empowering about being able to type something that can immediately be seen by people all over the world even if nobody every reads it.

A haiku in honor of the fact that in just 2 short days my wife and I will be leaving on a trip to Tennessee without our children:

Silent pond. White chairs.

Rainbow trees. My Love and I.

Anticipation.

And in honor of my parents who will be caring for our children:

Loud noises. Children

in perpetual motion.

Whining, pain, and joy.

I love the noise and chaos of 7 children. Driving home yesterday I was overcome with gratitude at the blessing of the life God has given us. Every morning when I leave for work, I have the delight of eight people hugging me and telling me that they love me. What great way to start the day.

Thank you Jesus.

Randy

Love

Yesterday a.m. I was praying that the spirit of religion would be broken off of my community in Jesus' name. And He came and He broke a little more of it off of me. I was overwhelmed with gratitude yesterday at the outpouring of love in my neighborhood. There is a large church here that comes every year and heads up an outreach to Como. They join with our church and several other churches in Como. The Lord revealed my prideful attitude toward the volunteers who come to help - this is yuck, but sometimes it's easy to think that doing something like this outreach is just one more thing that people can check off their lists and then they get to go home while we're still here. (I told you this was a yucky attitude - brought out into the light, it loses its power). Anyway, yesterday when I was praying, I was asking once again for His love to be poured out on me so that I could really see and love the people in my hood. I suddenly saw that my neighbors aren't just strangers or the recipients of my condescending benevolence. They are MY people, like my family. When He showed me this, I was overwhelmed that so many volunteers would come and work their tails off to bless my people. This may sound simple and not that earthshattering, but it was a huge shift in my heart. More confession and repentance. I love the Body of Christ.

So I'm pondering the love of God again this morning....Seeing how little of my life has been spent actually obeying the Word of God. Let me explain what I mean. A couple of weeks ago in CORE a guy was teaching about the Great Commission and asked us what the last commandment was in that little section of Scripture. Several said "teach". He said "that's not what it says." He pointed out that it says "teaching them to OBEY". There is a real difference in teaching someone and in teaching someone to obey. One is a pouring in of information and quite necessary and good, but teaching someone to obey is discipleship and this is much harder. It is a pouring out of your own life. A guy in our class said that it's like the difference between a school teacher and a parent. One is in a classroom; the other is life on life. This was a huge revelation to me. Our culture in general is all about acquiring information, but actually pouring out your life to help someone follow Jesus - that's H-A-R-D. Simple, but very difficult to do. One of the last things the speaker said that night was that so much of what Jesus says in the Word is simple to understand, but hard to actually obey. So what we tend to do is make His teaching complex so that we can make it easier on ourselves.

So I've been thinking about "loving your neighbor as yourself." "Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" And He said to him, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets." Matthew 22:36-40

As I sit here this a.m. I have a picture on my piano of a man named Stanley Shipp. He's with Jesus now, but he greatly shaped who Randy and I are today because he was an amazing lover of people. In the picture he's sitting with a man in another country intently looking at him...sitting with him on the ground...getting in his world. Like Jesus. Stanley always said, "People will either be in your life or in your way." People were rarely in Stanley's way. So, yes, I do believe I'm rambling. LOL! But what I'm trying to say in all of this is that I want to know the love of God. And in knowing it, I want to love people. I have deceived myself into thinking I was doing this so many times, but God (in His GREAT mercy) is speaking through His Word and through the Body right now to show me that there is SO much MORE! And I want it...at least in theory. It. Is. Hard. And as I look at my life and realize how impossible it is to love like He has called us to love, I am encouraged. This is not an assignment for my dead flesh. Only the living Spirit of God in me can accomplish this unfathomable mission to love others as myself. Love this quote from John Piper's book, What Jesus Demands from the World: "We are in the company of incomparable superlatives - the two greatest commandments in the entire Word of God, and all of that Word hanging on them. We should take off our shoes in reverence here. There are few texts of Scripture greater than this....The second commandment seems to me to be an overwhelming commandment. It seems to demand that I tear the skin off my body and wrap it around another person so that I feel that i am that other person; and all the longings that I have for my own safety and health and success and happiness I now feel for that other person as though he were me. It is an absolutely staggering commandment. If this is what it means, then something unbelievably powerful and earthshaking and reconstructing and overturning and upending will have to happen in our souls. Something supernatural. Something well beyond what a self-preserving, self-enhancing, self-exalting, self-esteeming, self-advancing, fallen hunan being like me can do on their own."

And only when we see and receive the love of God for us can we even begin to be the expression of that love to others. I'm LOVING the love of Christ right now. And I'm beginning to see and enjoy and be fascinated with His creation, the beat of His heart. People. Sensing that the coming months will be more laying down of our rights for the sake of the Body and the lost. He is beautiful and I can't wait to see what He does as we just try to walk further in with Jesus. He is good. He is good. He. Is. Love.

the dance

The Religious can’t dance. I try. That’s the problem. When I am Religious, it is about me. How spiritual can I be? Have I checked off everything on my “this-is-what-people-who-really-love-God-do” checklist? As much as I know the utter loathsomeness of this thinking, I unconsciously slip into it over and over again. White-washed tombs, beautiful on the outside; full of death and stench on the inside. I have played this game much of my life, wanting everyone to think that I had it all together. I laugh as I think about how when I was a kid, the only people who went up front for prayer at our church were those who were really needy and quite frankly, “dysfunctional”. Now, I seek out prayer every chance I get at “ministry” time - I AM really needy and dysfunctional! This is a free place to reside. But how easy it is to slip back into the rigid reality of wanting to have it all together, wanting to get it right for God and anyone else who may be watching. And then I get shaken back to reality by my deadness and I realize that I have stopped dancing with Him. There is no freedom in religion. I can hardly even move my feet. And it is there, in that place, where I have a choice to make. Either continue in the “trying to get it right” where I just keep stepping on my own feet and ultimately crash to the floor...or surrender my trying, lean over against His chest, confess my brokenness once again, and let Him take the lead. His warmth, His love, His forgiveness and security envelope me and the dance resumes. And the knots in my shoulders dissolve and while the outside may not look at “beautiful”, the inside comes alive again and the fragrance of Christ becomes my scent instead of my dead religion. Today I come back to Him, the One who said, “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” The One who “cried out with a loud voice, ‘Lazarus, come out.‘“ And Lazarus came out. Today I choose to COME OUT to Him and dance, leaving my stench behind for one more day. It's another day of grace.

my sad Malachi

There are hazards inherent to living with 6 siblings - you might get stepped on, you might get hit (not always unintentional), you may miss out on the last piece of cake if you're not fast enough...and then there are those risks involved that one would never dream up even in their most creative moments. You might just be trying to hug your daddy goodbye in the morning and get stabbed in the eye by your four-year-old brother as he passionately flings his arms around daddy's legs. Oops. It was an accident. Probably time to trim Isaac's nails? Sweet Malachi cried off and on ALL DAY. One trip to Daddy's office to get a diagnosis (abrasion on the cornea?) and then on to another doctor appointment at the opthamologist's. He patched it after putting some antibiotic cream in his eye. Mercy. Mercy. Mercy. There has been MUCH wailing today. But you have to admit that the little guy is just pathetically adorable! :) And, by the way, his eye should be much better by tomorrow (at least that's what we're praying)!!

Is this not a really cool worm??

Yes, this is a random post, but my little boys found this caterpillar outside the other day and I thought it was fascinating. The Author of the universe...quite creative.

melancholy night

Those of you who tend to be more melancholy understand maybe the desire to write more when you're down? Don't know; maybe that's just me. One week ago today I spoke at this small mom's get-together about the glory of God in my messed up life. :) Topic was walking in the grace of God - talked about things that kill grace in our lives and the weapons we need to use to keep walking in it. It was from God; it was much of my story, past and present; it was good stuff - wish I would listen to myself tonight! LOL! I know I'm different now. I know I don't believe all the old lies. I know He is here and He is with me. But it's as if the old demons love to rear their miserable heads right on the heels of me celebrating the freedom that God has brought and continues to bring. Sigh. So here I sit. Listening to my melancholy music. Writing my melancholy words. Kind of just wishing I had a two week break from life. But here is what I know that I know that I know (that I didn't used to know)...He is right here with me in my melancholy. And Hope whacks off the heads of the demons once again. :)

Josiah's baptism!!

After encountering the Lord in a pretty powerful way this summer at Op Camp, Josiah began thinking about surrendering his life completely to Jesus. He's been so excited about his decision to get baptized! His faith has been a HUGE encouragement to me lately and I can't wait to see the Lord's destiny worked out in his life. I love you, Josiah Paul, passionate, on-fire, Mighty Man of God!

his declaration of faith in our beautiful Jesus!

love that boy's daddy ;)

Chad Reisner praying blessing over him - love our CF body!!

lots of family to celebrate with!

7 Midland cousins came to celebrate with Josiah - such a blessing!

wonderful grandparents came too

our little family :)

awakening part 2

So again, while I may have intellectually conceded pretty much forever that telling people about Jesus was a good thing and definitely Biblical, I had somehow convinced myself that it wasn't for everyone, esp me. It was for those people with the gift of evangelism. And I've also believed that it doesn't work. Doesn't "WORK"? What in the world??!! Yes, as I've examined my thought processes over the past few weeks, I've realized that I've believed the lie that people don't want to hear some weird Christian trying to "sell" them something. But what has been the most startling is that I've seen that the root of not sharing Jesus with people is really just that I don't care about people. If I try to strategize and figure out the best angle and all of that, it becomes that - a strategy that makes that person a statistic. But if I look at them and really SEE them - I have begun to see that He is "exceedingly and uncritically fond of" the person checking me out at the grocery store or waiting on me at a restaurant or standing at my front door...you get the picture. And I'm beginning to truly have the revelation that this really isn't about ME at all. The parable of the sower has been a huge encouragement - the guy from Antioch taught on it. Here's a few nuggets: the farmer sowed generously and didn't evaluate/judge the soil before he flung the seed to see where it landed; only 25 percent of the seed sown actually produced fruit - encouraging as we see that rejection is pretty much guaranteed and to be expected; it was about the word being sown, not the farmer's skill. And look at how much fruit was produced by the 25 percent!! So in our sharing the gospel, we never know who is going to take it and become an on-fire passionate Jesus lover - the burden of that is on Him and not us. But the bottom line for me has been an awakening to the love of Christ for me and for the people around me. I'm starting to get delighted with people like never before. I'm judging less and less (which is a miracle from heaven, believe me). It's really HARD to bring up Jesus with people, but I'm starting to do it. Not sharing the whole gospel in 2 minutes yet, but I'm growing!! AHHH!! I LOVE it when Jesus takes us in all of our messed up weakness and invites us into His adventure with that big grin on His face! I'm so ready. Been stuck for too long.

And speaking of our messed-upness. One of the most encouraging parts of CORE so far has been our retreat in which we all shared our testimonies (there are 30 of us). It was amazing. That God could take this group of people and turn us into Jesus followers is a MIRACLE! There is HUGE power in the testimonies of the saints - it fuels faith in a very unique way, hearing the stories and sharing your own. Here's mine in a nutshell: Before Christ...self-absorbed, security-addicted, judgmental, critical, racist who didn't like children all that much and was suspicious and calloused to the poor. Now...learning to say no to self and yes to others, lives in the African American "hood", more full of grace because so aware of my own dysfunctional brokenness, have 7 children and our "ministry" is to children who are poor. It makes me laugh with JOY and amazed at the power of God when I consider what He has done and continues to do. And He gets ALL the credit because I CERTAINLY didn't make any of it happen! I always tell people that I am the least likely candidate they know to have 7 children and live in the hood. God definitely has a sense of humor! :) He is so good. Know that i'm rambling and that I really need sleep so I'll stop, but the word "awakening". I didn't really explain that. I just keep hearing that in my spirit. He is awakening me. I'm scared to death, but I love it and I'm ready to hand over my junk to the One who is worthy of all praise and worth all my affection and attention. HE IS SO BEAUTIFUL AND GOOD!! May you be blessed to really KNOW that the Father is exceedingly and uncritically fond of you right now! He really is!

awakening

I am so full right now. Been writing in my head for days now, but a little hard to find the time to sit down and pour out heart. :) Now is not a good time either, but I can't stand to wait anymore! Where do I start? Okay. I'll start with the recent and POWERFUL love revelation from the Father. Then I'll move on to evangelism...

About a week and a half ago we were at CORE (our church's discipleship training school - yes, we did it when we first moved here about 9 years ago and we were hungry for big change in our lives again, so we're doing it again - it's somewhat different now, with a lot of focus on evangelism, and led by our dear friends, Christ and Tiffany Guild). Anyway!! The speaker was talking about evangelism and he had us listen at one point that night to see what God would say about love, people, etc. That night I asked Him to open my eyes and to let me experience His heart for people, to really, really love people. I've been realizing lately that I lack deep love for people. And I love it when you get to a place in your spirit where you realize that there is absolutely no hope if Jesus doesn't show up and pour out HIS love in you. I was there. Thought I heard the word "callouses" but nothing more right then. A couple of hours later, RB and I were driving to the lake and I was pondering the meaning of a word I'd heard recently. RB hands me his Kindle and tells me to look it up in the dictionary. The word's meaning was "to be exceedingly and uncritically fond of". I cried and cried. There's really no way to describe everything that happened in my heart at that moment, but He removed one of the callouses as I heard Him speaking to my heart "I am exceedingly and uncritically fond of you." And right as I was seeing it for myself I began to see it and feel for others. And everything has been different since that p.m. I looked it up in another dictionary and the definition was "to be lavish or excessive in one's attention, fondness, or affection." The Lord reminded me of I John 3:1 the next day: "How great is the love the Father has lavished on us that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!" I couldn't stop smiling and still can't every time I think of my Father just lavishing Himself all over me. I have known intellectually for quite some time of the depth of God's love, but have rarely SEEN it in my spirit. It was one of those stake-in-the-ground, change-your-life-forever kind of revelations. Hebrews 4:12 - "For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints, and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart." Recently heard a guy teaching on this verse and how the "word of God" includes but is not limited to the written Word here in this verse. This was one of those "spoken" word times that went DEEP (and makes so much of the written Word come to life now)!

So on to EVANGELISM. What did you feel and think when you just read that word? I've been thinking about how just hearing or seeing that word affects my thoughts and emotions. It's pretty negative!! A huge part of the focus in CORE is evangelism. That's a big part of why I wanted to go through it again. Evangelism has pretty much never even been on my radar. But over the past year, God has been challenging me in this area, mostly because of some of my close friends who are always bringing up the Lord with complete strangers (i.e. my friend Ami while we were in NYC). So here is what God is showing me. I have compartamentalized (sp?) this part of my walk with Jesus when it is actually an essential and normal part of following Him.