my cuties

I'm sure it's perfectly safe for the 3 yr old to speed around the backyard in this dune buggy with his baby sister. Perfectly safe.

a disturbing link

So I've begun to think about how my actions actually are affecting some real person somewhere else in the world. This link kind of makes me not know what to do with myself (or all of my Apple products)!

http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-3445_162-57367950/the-dark-side-of-shiny-apple-products/?tag=contentMain%3BcontentBody%3Ftag%3Dfacebook

Ok..I can't stand it anymore! And I'll warn you, this is a LONG one! LOL!

Obviously, blogging has taken a way back seat to a million other priorities lately - mostly the wading through the dailies of having 7 children. But I just can't stand not writing a little about a book that is getting under my skin and about to make me do something crazy! The book is called 7:an experimental mutiny against excess, by Jen Hatmaker. She and her family of 5 at the time (now they are 7 after adopting Ethiopian orphans) did an experiment in which they fasted from seven different things for a month at a time. Here are the areas: Month One-Food, Month Two-Clothes, Month Three-Possessions, Month Four-Media, Month Five-Waste, Month Six-Spending, Month Seven-Stress. I have read Shane Claiborne. I love some radical people out there and how they're living, but quite frankly, when I read someone like Shane I'm almost left feeling like I have an "out" because I know that I'm simply never going to make my own clothes out of burlap, etc. He's a lot like John the Baptist and seems way too "out of my league". Enter Jen Hatmaker. She actually began seeing a lot of Jesus' truth when she read Shane, but the clincher for me is that she's a lot like me. She's a mom. She lives in Austin. She used to be the wife of a mega-church pastor (for more on the story of why they no longer are a part of a mega church, read their books...Barefoot Church; Interrupted), they are just "normal". Or at least they used to be. She is REAL. She is hilarious and witty so I really enjoy her writing and I often laugh out loud. And I have been SOOOOOO challenged by every single month. I knew the one on "Spending" would kill me and it has (all of them have, actually; this one was like the climax!). So much so that I am now about to quote half the chapter (okay, not really, but it may seem like it to you). The deal with this book is that it's basically her daily journal through each of these months so you catch a glimpse of what God is doing in her heart. But here's the deal - if I read a book like this one and quote it on the WWW, I better have some intention of doing something about it and not just mentally agreeing with what she's saying. She points out that we American Christians are really good at doing that here in the USA. And I'm figuring out that it's why I'm tired and depressed pretty often. Maybe it's true that we really have been deceived so deeply into believing that we're acting like disciples of the real Jesus that He and His original followers wouldn't even recognize us...or don't recognize us. Honestly, much of what I read in this book does describe the people I'm in community with. Really. That's not an exaggeration. God has given us some amazing people to walk out life with. Unfortunately, when I'm gut honest, I have to admit that it does not describe ME. I went through some healing/deliverance prayer ministry time a couple of weeks ago called Sozo (that's a WHOLE 'nother post) and it was AMAZING! But what I realized in it was how little I actually ask God questions and then listen for the answer. I realized that I was praying to a doctrine or an idea, but I had been praying very little to Daddy, Jesus, or Holy Spirit as real, tangible, BEINGS in my moments. This is changing. And it has been quite a beautiful (and sometimes challenging) ride the last couple of weeks as I realized how the spirit of religion had almost completely choked the very life out of me (Randy actually had a prophetic dream about it chasing me and me fighting for my life). So here's me - almost feeling like a baby Christ follower - reading this book about loving Jesus and loving the poor (globally and locally) and for the first time ever, not picturing my Jesus standing in the corner with His arms crossed, disappointed in me, and frowning. Instead He is bent down with His arm wrapped tightly around me, beside me, as He is responding to my cries to free me from bondage - the bondage that tells me that I'm not free to break from much of what seems familiar. I trust Him a lot right now. But I digress! Here are some LONG quotes from one of the best books I've ever read (how many times have I said that?? LOL!!) WARNING: these aren't really her funny statements:

After hearing these lyrics in a song, "God, may we be focused on the least, a people balancing the fasting and the feast", she comments on what has happened in the American church...(pgs 171-174):

That statement sums up all my tension and hopes for the American Christ follower, the American church, the American me. With good intentions but misguided theology, the church spends most of our time, energy, resources, prayer words, programs, sermons, conferences, Bible studies, and attention on the feast, our feast to be exact. (She then quotes Psalm 36:5-9 and acknowledges that there is indeed a feast to be celebrated.)

But the feast has a partner in the rhythm of the gospel: the fast.

Its practice is unmistakable in Scripture. Hundreds of times we see reduction, pouring out, abstinence, restraint. We find our Bible heroes fasting from food-David, Esther, Nehemiah, Jesus. We see the Philippian church fasting from self-preservation, sending Paul money in spite of their own poverty, a true sacrifice. John the Baptist says if we have two coats, one belongs to the poor. The early church sold their possessions and lived communally, caring for one another and the broken people in their cities. We see God explain his idea of a fast: justice, freedom, food for the hungry, clothes for the naked. This balance is a given in Scripture.

If we ignored the current framework of the church and instead opened the Bible for a definition, we find Christ followers adopting the fast simultaneously with feast. We don't see the New Testament church hoarding the feast for themselves, gorging, getting fatter and fatter and asking for more; more Bible studies, more sermons, more programs, classes, training, conferences, information, more feasting for us.

At some point, the church stopped living the Bible and decided just to study it, culling the feast parts and whitewashing the fast parts. We are addicted to the buffet, skillfully discarding the costly discipleship required after consuming. The feast is supposed to sustain the fast, but we go back for seconds and thirds and fourths, stuffed to the brim and fat with inactivity. All this is for me. My goodness, my blessings, my privileges, my happiness, my success. Just one more plate.

(Enter more booty-kicking facts about the early church here that I don't have time to quote)

What would the early church think if they walked into some of our buildings today, looked through our church Web sites, talked to an average attender? Would they be so confused? Would they wonder why we all had empty bedrooms and uneaten food in our trash cans? Would they regard our hoarded wealth with shock? Would they observe orphan statistics with disbelief since Christians outnumber orphans 7 to 1? Would they be stunned most of us don't feed the hungry, visit the prisoner, care for the sick or protect the widow? Would they see the spending on church buildings and ourselves as extravagantly wasteful while twenty-five thousand people die every day from starvation?

I think they'd barely recognize us as brothers and sisters. If we told them church is on Sundays and we have an awesome band, this would be perplexing. I believe we'd recieve dumbfounded stares if we discussed "church shopping" because enough people don't say hello when we walk in the lobby one hour a week. If they found out one-sixth of the earth's population claimed to be Christians, I'm not sure they could reconcile the suffering happening on our watch while we're living in excess. They'd wonder if we had read the Bible or worry it had been tampered with since their time.

But listen Early Church, we have a monthly event called Mocha Chicks. We have choir practice every Wednesday. We organize retreats with door prizes. We're raising three million dollars for an outdoor amphitheater. We have catchy T-shirts. We don't smoke or say the F word. We go to Bible study every semester. ("And then what, American Church?") Well, we go to another one. We're learning so much.

I think the early church would cover their heads with ashes and grieve over the dilution of Jesus' beautiful church vision. We've taken His Plan A for mercy to an injured lost planet and neutered it to clever sermon series and Stitch-and-Chat in the Fellowship Hall, serving the saved. If the modern church held to its biblical definition, we would become the answer to all that ails society. We wouldn't have to baby-talk and cajole and coax people into our sanctuaries through witty mailers and strategic ads; they'd be running to us. The local church would be the heartbeat of the city, undeniable by our stanchest critics.

Instead, the American church is dying. We are losing ground in epic proportions. Our country is a graveyard of dead and vanishing churches. We made it acceptable for people to do nothing and still call themselves Christians, and that anemic vision isn't holding. Last year, 94 percent of evangelical churches reported loss or no growth in their communities. Almost four thousand churches are closing each year. We are losing three million people annually, flooding out the back door and never returning. The next generation downright refuses to come.

Ironically, this is the result of a church that only feasts.

When the fast, the death, the sacrifice of the gospel is omitted from the Christian life, then it isn't Christian at all. Not only that, it's boring....

Okay, so I need to go to bed and I've obviously written/copied enough to make you sleepy by now, but let's just say that i've gotten bored and "stuffed" on my religion and all my gluttony. We live NOTHING like the people around us - really. I am tired of trying to avoid inconvenience and suffering because I think it's my "right" not to. That's a lie. I want to love people. I want Jesus. And I think He's lifting just a little more of the veil! And He is amazing...

comparison

So just a brief thought. Women seem to have this common thing that ails us all: we like to compare ourselves to one another. It stinks and we all know it. So don't you think that the internet has made this ailment even worse? I mean, back in the day, you only had a handle of people to measure up against. Now, you can easily end up seeing how you measure up to literally hundreds (and for some of us, thousands) of other moms, career women, homeschoolers, unschoolers, public schoolers, chefs, eloquent bloggers, photographers, chefs, wives, Jesus-follwers, musicians...well, you get the picture. Maybe we're slowly killing ourselves with our info overload and we don't even sense it. Maybe more on that later...

be here now

One of my dearest friends gave me a hand-painted picture last night for Xmas. She's a great artist so it's beautiful, but the words painted on it haven't stopped ringing in my brain since I brought it home: "Be here now." Is it maybe at the core of the Fall that we are constantly trying to live outside of "now"? Wasn't Eve thinking "IF....THEN?" There's a constant barrage of "if...then's" pounding our brains I think more than we're even consciously aware of. "IF I was a better mom (or wife or daughter or Christian, etc - you get the point)...", "IF I had all my Xmas shopping done...", "IF I had only done so and so with this kid or not done so and so with that one...", "IF I only had that possession or house or outfit, etc...", "IF I only had fewer children...". I mean, seriously, the list could go on and on. Ann Voskamp says that the root of the Fall was ingratitude and I think maybe she's on to something. The "IF...THEN" mentality is, at its core, a lack of gratitude for the NOW. And I think what I'm slowly beginning to realize is that I have to ask God for grace to be in the moment and then exercise self-discipline to stay there - it is SO easy to slip off to some moment of disappointment in the past or some undefined moment in the future. God really is I AM. Right now. No ifs, ands, or buts.... Think I'll try out gratitude in the "now" again today. :)

"Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ." Ephesians 5:19-20

"Thanksgiving is our dialect." Eph 5:4b (The MSG)

Sigh. Xmas sadness

I realize I haven't blogged in ages and still don't have much time now, but I just had to share a link that was passed on to me about Christmas. We are feeling that sad, dissatisfied feeling that we experience in varying degrees every Xmas and I think this lady's blog post describes the problem. Really not trying to offend anyone (I agree with her "not judging you" thing). I'm just saying that I know this is why our family (mostly RB and I) is feeling so miserable every December - I think reading her blog post has infused some new courage in me to do things differently...it may be a little late this year, but things will definitely be different in 2012. :)

Here's the link: http://jenhatmaker.com/blog/2011/11/29/the-christmas-conundrum

just to make me smile...

These two keep me laughing...who needs toys when you've got mom's boots and your pants pulled up to your armpits??!

a random pic that I love (okay two pics)

So our babysitter took these 2 photos on her phone this summer and I adore them! Maisie Burr and Piper Joy - LOVE this family and her mama is like a sister to me. Ami said that they look like a little Ami and Anda. ;) Sweet times!

The Brown and Burr girls (without their big sisters).

Luke and soccer

We've had fun watching Luke revisit soccer this season - this guy is FAST and I love watching him!

This is Luke's best friend, Austin - they've been buddies for as long as they can remember (age 2 or 3). So excited that they've been able to play soccer together this Fall!

a few pics for my own benefit

One mama referred to Josiah as a "pit bull" this year. The kid is not all that "beefy" but you can tell he had a little "Como football trainin'" in his younger years! Ha! He just won't let go - he did get this big guy down (often goes for ankles). ;)

I was out of town for this game. All my best friends AND my mother-in-law were there and no one told me about this little injury incident until 2 days later! Grandma just made sure he was okay and then told him to go on back out there! ha!

LOVE this picture! Grandma took around 170 pictures that p.m.!!! It was almost as if I was THERE!

new pics of the Browns in da hood!

To see a sneak peek of our latest family pics, go here: http://www.reflectinggrace.com/

Always love gearing up for all the whine and bribery of a good family picture! LOL! Can't wait to see the rest of these. Makes me love my little peeps even more! :)

the weight of the moment

These boys...

used to be these boys...

When I had my first baby, sweet McKenna, I was sure I was going to be the perfect parent, and God-help-you if you didn't totally agree with my method of parenting (I still had no children - I was just pregnant)?! When she was born, I was certain that if I didn't follow the perfect formula I was going to mess her up forever. Therefore, I let that poor thing cry for 45 minutes when she was only THREE DAYS OLD!! I was convinced (due to reading some probably not-so-Holy-Spirit-inspired literature) that to rock her or console her would most certainly result in a baby who never slept through the night, which would be miserable for me and prove my failure as a mother. The problem was that my sweet firstborn was colicky - at least I thought she was - she might have just been a normal baby with a really stressed out mother! So if I did rock her or do whatever needed to be done, I'd feel guilty or doubt every move I made because I was afraid it might be the wrong one! Merciful Jesus! That girl was sleeping through the night at 8 weeks and I had followed all the "rules" the best I knew how - but I had completely missed out on enjoying my sweet baby and had very rarely consulted the Holy Spirit on what HE wanted me to do. That book and every one else's opinion, had been my counselor. (I'm not saying there's no place for books and advice from others, but I wasn't seeking God - I was seeking a step-by-step plan to raise the perfect child. The Law kills. The Spirit gives LIFE! But that's another subject...)

So I can't go back and change any of that. I lay it down at the Cross and leave it there. But what CAN I do? Been reminded this week of Ann Voskamp's writing about the "sanctuary of time":

"Time is a relentless river. It rages on, a respecter of no one. And this, this is the only way to slow time: When I fully enter time's swift current, enter into the current moment with the weight of all my attention, I slow the torrent with the weight of me all here. I can slow the torrent by being all here. I only live the full life when I live fully in the moment. And when I'm always looking for the next glimpse of glory, I slow and enter. And time slows. Weigh down this moment in time with attention full, and the whole of time's river slows, slows, slows....This is where God is. In the present. I AM - His very name....I redeem time from neglect and apathy and inattentiveness when I swell with thanks and weigh the moment down....and I don't reach forward and I don't reach back and I weigh the moment down with full attention here."

Last p.m. I watched this 40 minute documentary called "Flame On" (http://www.flameon.net/) about this family who lost their five-yr-old son in a tragic accident. I bawled through the whole video, but I was so encouraged to cherish the moments with my children. Sobering reminder to be "all here".

So instead of swimming in the river of regret (I could be an Olympic athlete if this were a sport!) tonight I sat with my baby girl, Piper Joy, and slowed down time. I sat in the same chair in which I begrudgingly rocked McKenna 14 years ago...but tonight I noticed the creak of the cushions each time the chair stretched backwards, the low hum of the fan, the shadows cast on the wall by her crib, and the quiet breathing of a soft little life who had been crying out for a little extra cuddle time with her mama. I could have stayed there forever. Moment was softly broken by her sweet whisper that she needed her cup. Then I laid her down and tiptoed out of that holy moment, weighed down heavy by my extremely grateful heart, and with no regrets of having spent that extra 10 minutes in that rocking chair instead of doing something "productive."

This...

...becomes this...

...in the blink of an eye.

back from Blue Mountain Beach

a little preview of beach pics - hunting for crabs under a bridge :)

Sooooo....I have less than 2 minutes but wanted to jot down a few thoughts to prove that I'm alive! My FOURTEEN-YR-OLD (yes, I feel old) starts high school one week from today. My almost 2-yr-old is precious and TALKATIVE and adored by everyone in the family. I am full of a million ideas relating to marriage, motherhood, and living in the kingdom and have LITTLE perceived time to pursue even one of them. My house is a wreck due to another BED BUG incident and feels like it may never get put back together. Is it bad that I wanted to stay at the beach forever and that I want to cry when I see the 100+ temps AGAIN for the next 10 days on the forecast? Remembering today that God is infinitely GOOD and in LOVE with me in spite of all my crazy mess And laughing that my five-yr-old (WHO WILL START KINDERGARTEN IN 3 WEEKS) can read what I'm writing and is asking questions!! And can I also just say that Anda Brown will begin HOMESCHOOLING 2 of her children in 3 weeks???!!! Do any of you understand how this MUST be GOD??? My sweet Luke was sitting in the car on our 13 hour journey home yesterday and out of the blue says to me, "Mom, I just had a picture for you. You were this beautiful monarch butterfly and as you were flying you ran right into a telephone poll (he's giggling the whole time). But you just got right back up and started flying again!" Hmmm. Sounds like a word from Jesus to me. :)

What if I believed?

So I've read One Thousand Gifts once and I continue to flip through it, rereading my highlights that are heavy throughout the book. This a.m I was listening to T.D. Jakes talk about how you will "go where you're thinking. So if you think you're going down, that's exactly where you'll go." So I turned to the last chapter of Ann's book, entitled "The Joy of Intimacy". When one of my friends got to this chapter, she texted me and said that it was beautiful and scandalous. It is. I still keep trying to go there and wrap my mind around the truth of God as lover. She begins the chapter with this sentence: "I fly to Paris and discover how to make love to God." (p 201). John 15:4 - "Remain in Me and I will remain in you." John 14:20 - "I am in my Father, and you are in Me, and I am in you." Ann V's comment follows "He's calling me to graft on, become one with the True Vine, the vine the biblical symbol of joy, festivity...fullness. He's calling me to come and celebrate being made one, and in Him, by Him, to bear the fruit of the full life round." (p 212) Yes. I want to be pregnant with all the fullness that is promised in the Word!

So as I pondered T.D. Jakes comments about our thinking this a.m., I remembered a quote that will forever be burned in my brain from Ann V on p 205: "the only thing to rip out the tape echoing of self-rejection is the song of His serenade. One thousand gifts tuned me to the beat. It really is like C.S. Lewis argued: that the most fundamental thing is not how we think of God but rather what God thinks of us: 'How God thinks of us is not only more important, but infinitely more important.'" At first, this sounds a bit theologically unsound, right? I mean, the world doesn't revolve around us, and our thoughts should be consumed with thoughts of Him (yes, true, on one level). But if I see God as omnipotent, powerful, creator, King, Father, loving, compassionate, but have an inaccurate view of how He sees me, I will never enter into the abundant life He has promised. Never. Not knowing and believing that I am who He says I am is crippling. For life. So this a.m. I began meditating on how He feels about me in my journal...

What if I really believed that...

-God passionately loves me right now?

-I really am a passionate, powerful, worshipper warrior princess in the kingdom of my Father, the King?

-I am beautiful, clothed with Christ, crowned with love and conmpassion, wearing beautiful bridal clothes, garments of praise and NOT heaviness?

-I never get what deserve (hell)?

-God's intentions toward me and all His plans for today are good?

-I really am a confident and capable woman because of the cross?

-God really can conquer any mountain that appears insurmountable?

-He is doting on me with all His affection, attention, and encouragement?

-the King is enthralled by my beauty (Ps 45:11)?

-the King of the entire universe, most creative of all creators, most encouraging, passionate, powerful, holy, perfect, compassionate, gracious, merciful, forgiving being EVER to exist feels all of those things and acts on all of those things toward me??!

I'd probably smile. All over. :)

precious

Beautiful is holding a precious friend's hand as she delivers a little mighty man of God into this world. Thank you, God, for moments that stop time. Praise Your name for Your perfect timing in bringing Asa Burr into the world! Children are such a reward from heaven. :)

Psalm 86

Hear, O Lord, and answer me, for I am poor and needy. Guard my life, for am I devoted to You. You are my God; save Your servant who trusts in You. Have mercy on me, O Lord, for I call to You all day long. Bring joy to Your servant; for to You, O Lord, I lift up my soul. You are forgiving and good, O Lord, abounding in love to all who call to You. Hear my prayer, O Lord; listen to my cry for mercy. In the day of my trouble I will call to You, for You will answer me. Among the gods there is none like You, O Lord; no deeds can compare with Yours. All the nations You have made will come and worship before You, O Lord; they will bring glory to Your name. For You are great and do marvelous deeds; You alone are God. Teach me Your way, O Lord, and I will walk in Your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear Your name. I will praise You, O Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify Your name forever. For great is Your love toward me; You have delivered me from the depths of the grave. The arrogant are attacking me, O God; a band of ruthless men seeks my life--men without regard for You. But You, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness. Turn to me and have mercy on me; grant Your strength to Your servant and save the son of Your maidservant. Give me a sign of Your goodness, that my enemies may see it and be put to shame, for You, O Lord, have helped me and comforted me.

bye bye medicine

Well, after my mood got SOOO bad that I was ready to admit myself to a mental hospital (I'm sort of joking), I figured out that the meds were actually making everything worse (this can be a side effect). Been off for 4 days now. Went cold turkey - doctor hubby told me this was fine after only 2 weeks - and feeling so much better! Fog has cleared some and I am aware that there is a God again! :)

Here are some random pics from past few months (I'll post more later)...

This baby loves her "tutu" swimsuit!

I mean, seriously, I could eat her up!

"Bad" bye :( (but rejoicing too)

One of my dearest friends (Charlotte C) on the planet left for Uganda in May. They left everything to follow Jesus to the other side of the world. We miss them LOTS, but we know they are right in the middle of God's dreams for the people in Uganda!

Lily and McKenna

Jeff and his parents (hardest thing was watching Charlotte's mom and these sweet parents saying goodbye to their kids and grandkids)

Lakehouse trip back in April

Our teenagers - leading some beautiful worship! (Jonathan brought Matthew Miller along so he wouldn't be the only "older" one - he was loved on by LOTS of little ones! ha!)

These girls have written some amazing songs together! Seriously.

our seven-yr-old sweeties :)