Days of Grace

my cuties

2012-02-03T18:07:00.002-06:00

I'm sure it's perfectly safe for the 3 yr old to speed around the backyard in this dune buggy with his baby sister. Perfectly safe.

a disturbing link

2012-01-30T00:05:00.001-06:00

So I've begun to think about how my actions actually are affecting some real person somewhere else in the world. This link kind of makes me not know what to do with myself (or all of my Apple products)!

http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-3445_162-57367950/the-dark-side-of-shiny-apple-products/?tag=contentMain%3BcontentBody%3Ftag%3Dfacebook

Ok..I can't stand it anymore! And I'll warn you, this is a LONG one! LOL!

2012-01-24T22:02:00.003-06:00

Obviously, blogging has taken a way back seat to a million other priorities lately - mostly the wading through the dailies of having 7 children. But I just can't stand not writing a little about a book that is getting under my skin and about to make me do something crazy! The book is called 7:an experimental mutiny against excess, by Jen Hatmaker. She and her family of 5 at the time (now they are 7 after adopting Ethiopian orphans) did an experiment in which they fasted from seven different things for a month at a time. Here are the areas: Month One-Food, Month Two-Clothes, Month Three-Possessions, Month Four-Media, Month Five-Waste, Month Six-Spending, Month Seven-Stress. I have read Shane Claiborne. I love some radical people out there and how they're living, but quite frankly, when I read someone like Shane I'm almost left feeling like I have an "out" because I know that I'm simply never going to make my own clothes out of burlap, etc. He's a lot like John the Baptist and seems way too "out of my league". Enter Jen Hatmaker. She actually began seeing a lot of Jesus' truth when she read Shane, but the clincher for me is that she's a lot like me. She's a mom. She lives in Austin. She used to be the wife of a mega-church pastor (for more on the story of why they no longer are a part of a mega church, read their books...Barefoot Church; Interrupted), they are just "normal". Or at least they used to be. She is REAL. She is hilarious and witty so I really enjoy her writing and I often laugh out loud. And I have been SOOOOOO challenged by every single month. I knew the one on "Spending" would kill me and it has (all of them have, actually; this one was like the climax!). So much so that I am now about to quote half the chapter (okay, not really, but it may seem like it to you). The deal with this book is that it's basically her daily journal through each of these months so you catch a glimpse of what God is doing in her heart. But here's the deal - if I read a book like this one and quote it on the WWW, I better have some intention of doing something about it and not just mentally agreeing with what she's saying. She points out that we American Christians are really good at doing that here in the USA. And I'm figuring out that it's why I'm tired and depressed pretty often. Maybe it's true that we really have been deceived so deeply into believing that we're acting like disciples of the real Jesus that He and His original followers wouldn't even recognize us...or don't recognize us. Honestly, much of what I read in this book does describe the people I'm in community with. Really. That's not an exaggeration. God has given us some amazing people to walk out life with. Unfortunately, when I'm gut honest, I have to admit that it does not describe ME. I went through some healing/deliverance prayer ministry time a couple of weeks ago called Sozo (that's a WHOLE 'nother post) and it was AMAZING! But what I realized in it was how little I actually ask God questions and then listen for the answer. I realized that I was praying to a doctrine or an idea, but I had been praying very little to Daddy, Jesus, or Holy Spirit as real, tangible, BEINGS in my moments. This is changing. And it has been quite a beautiful (and sometimes challenging) ride the last couple of weeks as I realized how the spirit of religion had almost completely choked the very life out of me (Randy actually had a prophetic dream about it chasing me and me fighting for my life). So here's me - almost feeling like a baby Christ follower - reading this book about loving Jesus and loving the poor (globally and locally) and for the first time ever, not picturing my Jesus standing in the corner with His arms crossed, disappointed in me, and frowning. Instead He is bent down with His arm wrapped tightly around me, beside me, as He is responding to my cries to free me from bondage - the bondage that tells me that I'm not free to break from much of what seems familiar. I trust Him a lot right now. But I digress! Here are some LONG quotes from one of the best books I've ever read (how many times have I said that?? LOL!!) WARNING: these aren't really her funny statements:

After hearing these lyrics in a song, "God, may we be focused on the least, a people balancing the fasting and the feast", she comments on what has happened in the American church...(pgs 171-174):

That statement sums up all my tension and hopes for the American Christ follower, the American church, the American me. With good intentions but misguided theology, the church spends most of our time, energy, resources, prayer words, programs, sermons, conferences, Bible studies, and attention on the feast, our feast to be exact. (She then quotes Psalm 36:5-9 and acknowledges that there is indeed a feast to be celebrated.)

But the feast has a partner in the rhythm of the gospel: the fast.

Its practice is unmistakable in Scripture. Hundreds of times we see reduction, pouring out, abstinence, restraint. We find our Bible heroes fasting from food-David, Esther, Nehemiah, Jesus. We see the Philippian church fasting from self-preservation, sending Paul money in spite of their own poverty, a true sacrifice. John the Baptist says if we have two coats, one belongs to the poor. The early church sold their possessions and lived communally, caring for one another and the broken people in their cities. We see God explain his idea of a fast: justice, freedom, food for the hungry, clothes for the naked. This balance is a given in Scripture.

If we ignored the current framework of the church and instead opened the Bible for a definition, we find Christ followers adopting the fast simultaneously with feast. We don't see the New Testament church hoarding the feast for themselves, gorging, getting fatter and fatter and asking for more; more Bible studies, more sermons, more programs, classes, training, conferences, information, more feasting for us.

At some point, the church stopped living the Bible and decided just to study it, culling the feast parts and whitewashing the fast parts. We are addicted to the buffet, skillfully discarding the costly discipleship required after consuming. The feast is supposed to sustain the fast, but we go back for seconds and thirds and fourths, stuffed to the brim and fat with inactivity. All this is for me. My goodness, my blessings, my privileges, my happiness, my success. Just one more plate.

(Enter more booty-kicking facts about the early church here that I don't have time to quote)

What would the early church think if they walked into some of our buildings today, looked through our church Web sites, talked to an average attender? Would they be so confused? Would they wonder why we all had empty bedrooms and uneaten food in our trash cans? Would they regard our hoarded wealth with shock? Would they observe orphan statistics with disbelief since Christians outnumber orphans 7 to 1? Would they be stunned most of us don't feed the hungry, visit the prisoner, care for the sick or protect the widow? Would they see the spending on church buildings and ourselves as extravagantly wasteful while twenty-five thousand people die every day from starvation?

I think they'd barely recognize us as brothers and sisters. If we told them church is on Sundays and we have an awesome band, this would be perplexing. I believe we'd recieve dumbfounded stares if we discussed "church shopping" because enough people don't say hello when we walk in the lobby one hour a week. If they found out one-sixth of the earth's population claimed to be Christians, I'm not sure they could reconcile the suffering happening on our watch while we're living in excess. They'd wonder if we had read the Bible or worry it had been tampered with since their time.

But listen Early Church, we have a monthly event called Mocha Chicks. We have choir practice every Wednesday. We organize retreats with door prizes. We're raising three million dollars for an outdoor amphitheater. We have catchy T-shirts. We don't smoke or say the F word. We go to Bible study every semester. ("And then what, American Church?") Well, we go to another one. We're learning so much.

I think the early church would cover their heads with ashes and grieve over the dilution of Jesus' beautiful church vision. We've taken His Plan A for mercy to an injured lost planet and neutered it to clever sermon series and Stitch-and-Chat in the Fellowship Hall, serving the saved. If the modern church held to its biblical definition, we would become the answer to all that ails society. We wouldn't have to baby-talk and cajole and coax people into our sanctuaries through witty mailers and strategic ads; they'd be running to us. The local church would be the heartbeat of the city, undeniable by our stanchest critics.

Instead, the American church is dying. We are losing ground in epic proportions. Our country is a graveyard of dead and vanishing churches. We made it acceptable for people to do nothing and still call themselves Christians, and that anemic vision isn't holding. Last year, 94 percent of evangelical churches reported loss or no growth in their communities. Almost four thousand churches are closing each year. We are losing three million people annually, flooding out the back door and never returning. The next generation downright refuses to come.

Ironically, this is the result of a church that only feasts.

When the fast, the death, the sacrifice of the gospel is omitted from the Christian life, then it isn't Christian at all. Not only that, it's boring....

Okay, so I need to go to bed and I've obviously written/copied enough to make you sleepy by now, but let's just say that i've gotten bored and "stuffed" on my religion and all my gluttony. We live NOTHING like the people around us - really. I am tired of trying to avoid inconvenience and suffering because I think it's my "right" not to. That's a lie. I want to love people. I want Jesus. And I think He's lifting just a little more of the veil! And He is amazing...

comparison

2012-01-11T17:24:00.002-06:00

So just a brief thought. Women seem to have this common thing that ails us all: we like to compare ourselves to one another. It stinks and we all know it. So don't you think that the internet has made this ailment even worse? I mean, back in the day, you only had a handle of people to measure up against. Now, you can easily end up seeing how you measure up to literally hundreds (and for some of us, thousands) of other moms, career women, homeschoolers, unschoolers, public schoolers, chefs, eloquent bloggers, photographers, chefs, wives, Jesus-follwers, musicians...well, you get the picture. Maybe we're slowly killing ourselves with our info overload and we don't even sense it. Maybe more on that later...

be here now

2011-12-14T06:36:00.002-06:00

One of my dearest friends gave me a hand-painted picture last night for Xmas. She's a great artist so it's beautiful, but the words painted on it haven't stopped ringing in my brain since I brought it home: "Be here now." Is it maybe at the core of the Fall that we are constantly trying to live outside of "now"? Wasn't Eve thinking "IF....THEN?" There's a constant barrage of "if...then's" pounding our brains I think more than we're even consciously aware of. "IF I was a better mom (or wife or daughter or Christian, etc - you get the point)...", "IF I had all my Xmas shopping done...", "IF I had only done so and so with this kid or not done so and so with that one...", "IF I only had that possession or house or outfit, etc...", "IF I only had fewer children...". I mean, seriously, the list could go on and on. Ann Voskamp says that the root of the Fall was ingratitude and I think maybe she's on to something. The "IF...THEN" mentality is, at its core, a lack of gratitude for the NOW. And I think what I'm slowly beginning to realize is that I have to ask God for grace to be in the moment and then exercise self-discipline to stay there - it is SO easy to slip off to some moment of disappointment in the past or some undefined moment in the future. God really is I AM. Right now. No ifs, ands, or buts.... Think I'll try out gratitude in the "now" again today. :)

"Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ." Ephesians 5:19-20

"Thanksgiving is our dialect." Eph 5:4b (The MSG)

Sigh. Xmas sadness

2011-12-10T18:54:00.004-06:00

I realize I haven't blogged in ages and still don't have much time now, but I just had to share a link that was passed on to me about Christmas. We are feeling that sad, dissatisfied feeling that we experience in varying degrees every Xmas and I think this lady's blog post describes the problem. Really not trying to offend anyone (I agree with her "not judging you" thing). I'm just saying that I know this is why our family (mostly RB and I) is feeling so miserable every December - I think reading her blog post has infused some new courage in me to do things differently...it may be a little late this year, but things will definitely be different in 2012. :)

Here's the link: http://jenhatmaker.com/blog/2011/11/29/the-christmas-conundrum

just to make me smile...

2011-10-26T00:02:00.001-05:00

These two keep me laughing...who needs toys when you've got mom's boots and your pants pulled up to your armpits??!

a random pic that I love (okay two pics)

2011-10-25T23:58:00.003-05:00

So our babysitter took these 2 photos on her phone this summer and I adore them! Maisie Burr and Piper Joy - LOVE this family and her mama is like a sister to me. Ami said that they look like a little Ami and Anda. ;) Sweet times!

The Brown and Burr girls (without their big sisters).

Luke and soccer

2011-10-25T23:48:00.002-05:00

We've had fun watching Luke revisit soccer this season - this guy is FAST and I love watching him!

This is Luke's best friend, Austin - they've been buddies for as long as they can remember (age 2 or 3). So excited that they've been able to play soccer together this Fall!

a few pics for my own benefit

2011-10-25T23:34:00.004-05:00

One mama referred to Josiah as a "pit bull" this year. The kid is not all that "beefy" but you can tell he had a little "Como football trainin'" in his younger years! Ha! He just won't let go - he did get this big guy down (often goes for ankles). ;)

I was out of town for this game. All my best friends AND my mother-in-law were there and no one told me about this little injury incident until 2 days later! Grandma just made sure he was okay and then told him to go on back out there! ha!

LOVE this picture! Grandma took around 170 pictures that p.m.!!! It was almost as if I was THERE!

new pics of the Browns in da hood!

2011-10-21T03:15:00.003-05:00

To see a sneak peek of our latest family pics, go here: http://www.reflectinggrace.com/

Always love gearing up for all the whine and bribery of a good family picture! LOL! Can't wait to see the rest of these. Makes me love my little peeps even more! :)

the weight of the moment

2011-09-25T21:22:00.005-05:00

These boys...

used to be these boys...

When I had my first baby, sweet McKenna, I was sure I was going to be the perfect parent, and God-help-you if you didn't totally agree with my method of parenting (I still had no children - I was just pregnant)?! When she was born, I was certain that if I didn't follow the perfect formula I was going to mess her up forever. Therefore, I let that poor thing cry for 45 minutes when she was only THREE DAYS OLD!! I was convinced (due to reading some probably not-so-Holy-Spirit-inspired literature) that to rock her or console her would most certainly result in a baby who never slept through the night, which would be miserable for me and prove my failure as a mother. The problem was that my sweet firstborn was colicky - at least I thought she was - she might have just been a normal baby with a really stressed out mother! So if I did rock her or do whatever needed to be done, I'd feel guilty or doubt every move I made because I was afraid it might be the wrong one! Merciful Jesus! That girl was sleeping through the night at 8 weeks and I had followed all the "rules" the best I knew how - but I had completely missed out on enjoying my sweet baby and had very rarely consulted the Holy Spirit on what HE wanted me to do. That book and every one else's opinion, had been my counselor. (I'm not saying there's no place for books and advice from others, but I wasn't seeking God - I was seeking a step-by-step plan to raise the perfect child. The Law kills. The Spirit gives LIFE! But that's another subject...)

So I can't go back and change any of that. I lay it down at the Cross and leave it there. But what CAN I do? Been reminded this week of Ann Voskamp's writing about the "sanctuary of time":

"Time is a relentless river. It rages on, a respecter of no one. And this, this is the only way to slow time: When I fully enter time's swift current, enter into the current moment with the weight of all my attention, I slow the torrent with the weight of me all here. I can slow the torrent by being all here. I only live the full life when I live fully in the moment. And when I'm always looking for the next glimpse of glory, I slow and enter. And time slows. Weigh down this moment in time with attention full, and the whole of time's river slows, slows, slows....This is where God is. In the present. I AM - His very name....I redeem time from neglect and apathy and inattentiveness when I swell with thanks and weigh the moment down....and I don't reach forward and I don't reach back and I weigh the moment down with full attention here."

Last p.m. I watched this 40 minute documentary called "Flame On" (http://www.flameon.net/) about this family who lost their five-yr-old son in a tragic accident. I bawled through the whole video, but I was so encouraged to cherish the moments with my children. Sobering reminder to be "all here".

So instead of swimming in the river of regret (I could be an Olympic athlete if this were a sport!) tonight I sat with my baby girl, Piper Joy, and slowed down time. I sat in the same chair in which I begrudgingly rocked McKenna 14 years ago...but tonight I noticed the creak of the cushions each time the chair stretched backwards, the low hum of the fan, the shadows cast on the wall by her crib, and the quiet breathing of a soft little life who had been crying out for a little extra cuddle time with her mama. I could have stayed there forever. Moment was softly broken by her sweet whisper that she needed her cup. Then I laid her down and tiptoed out of that holy moment, weighed down heavy by my extremely grateful heart, and with no regrets of having spent that extra 10 minutes in that rocking chair instead of doing something "productive."

This...

...becomes this...

...in the blink of an eye.

back from Blue Mountain Beach

2011-08-15T08:35:00.002-05:00

a little preview of beach pics - hunting for crabs under a bridge :)

Sooooo....I have less than 2 minutes but wanted to jot down a few thoughts to prove that I'm alive! My FOURTEEN-YR-OLD (yes, I feel old) starts high school one week from today. My almost 2-yr-old is precious and TALKATIVE and adored by everyone in the family. I am full of a million ideas relating to marriage, motherhood, and living in the kingdom and have LITTLE perceived time to pursue even one of them. My house is a wreck due to another BED BUG incident and feels like it may never get put back together. Is it bad that I wanted to stay at the beach forever and that I want to cry when I see the 100+ temps AGAIN for the next 10 days on the forecast? Remembering today that God is infinitely GOOD and in LOVE with me in spite of all my crazy mess And laughing that my five-yr-old (WHO WILL START KINDERGARTEN IN 3 WEEKS) can read what I'm writing and is asking questions!! And can I also just say that Anda Brown will begin HOMESCHOOLING 2 of her children in 3 weeks???!!! Do any of you understand how this MUST be GOD??? My sweet Luke was sitting in the car on our 13 hour journey home yesterday and out of the blue says to me, "Mom, I just had a picture for you. You were this beautiful monarch butterfly and as you were flying you ran right into a telephone poll (he's giggling the whole time). But you just got right back up and started flying again!" Hmmm. Sounds like a word from Jesus to me. :)

What if I believed?

2011-07-22T07:57:00.003-05:00

So I've read One Thousand Gifts once and I continue to flip through it, rereading my highlights that are heavy throughout the book. This a.m I was listening to T.D. Jakes talk about how you will "go where you're thinking. So if you think you're going down, that's exactly where you'll go." So I turned to the last chapter of Ann's book, entitled "The Joy of Intimacy". When one of my friends got to this chapter, she texted me and said that it was beautiful and scandalous. It is. I still keep trying to go there and wrap my mind around the truth of God as lover. She begins the chapter with this sentence: "I fly to Paris and discover how to make love to God." (p 201). John 15:4 - "Remain in Me and I will remain in you." John 14:20 - "I am in my Father, and you are in Me, and I am in you." Ann V's comment follows "He's calling me to graft on, become one with the True Vine, the vine the biblical symbol of joy, festivity...fullness. He's calling me to come and celebrate being made one, and in Him, by Him, to bear the fruit of the full life round." (p 212) Yes. I want to be pregnant with all the fullness that is promised in the Word!

So as I pondered T.D. Jakes comments about our thinking this a.m., I remembered a quote that will forever be burned in my brain from Ann V on p 205: "the only thing to rip out the tape echoing of self-rejection is the song of His serenade. One thousand gifts tuned me to the beat. It really is like C.S. Lewis argued: that the most fundamental thing is not how we think of God but rather what God thinks of us: 'How God thinks of us is not only more important, but infinitely more important.'" At first, this sounds a bit theologically unsound, right? I mean, the world doesn't revolve around us, and our thoughts should be consumed with thoughts of Him (yes, true, on one level). But if I see God as omnipotent, powerful, creator, King, Father, loving, compassionate, but have an inaccurate view of how He sees me, I will never enter into the abundant life He has promised. Never. Not knowing and believing that I am who He says I am is crippling. For life. So this a.m. I began meditating on how He feels about me in my journal...

What if I really believed that...

-God passionately loves me right now?

-I really am a passionate, powerful, worshipper warrior princess in the kingdom of my Father, the King?

-I am beautiful, clothed with Christ, crowned with love and conmpassion, wearing beautiful bridal clothes, garments of praise and NOT heaviness?

-I never get what deserve (hell)?

-God's intentions toward me and all His plans for today are good?

-I really am a confident and capable woman because of the cross?

-God really can conquer any mountain that appears insurmountable?

-He is doting on me with all His affection, attention, and encouragement?

-the King is enthralled by my beauty (Ps 45:11)?

-the King of the entire universe, most creative of all creators, most encouraging, passionate, powerful, holy, perfect, compassionate, gracious, merciful, forgiving being EVER to exist feels all of those things and acts on all of those things toward me??!

I'd probably smile. All over. :)

precious

2011-07-13T00:25:00.003-05:00

Beautiful is holding a precious friend's hand as she delivers a little mighty man of God into this world. Thank you, God, for moments that stop time. Praise Your name for Your perfect timing in bringing Asa Burr into the world! Children are such a reward from heaven. :)

Psalm 86

2011-07-12T07:22:00.002-05:00

Hear, O Lord, and answer me, for I am poor and needy. Guard my life, for am I devoted to You. You are my God; save Your servant who trusts in You. Have mercy on me, O Lord, for I call to You all day long. Bring joy to Your servant; for to You, O Lord, I lift up my soul. You are forgiving and good, O Lord, abounding in love to all who call to You. Hear my prayer, O Lord; listen to my cry for mercy. In the day of my trouble I will call to You, for You will answer me. Among the gods there is none like You, O Lord; no deeds can compare with Yours. All the nations You have made will come and worship before You, O Lord; they will bring glory to Your name. For You are great and do marvelous deeds; You alone are God. Teach me Your way, O Lord, and I will walk in Your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear Your name. I will praise You, O Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify Your name forever. For great is Your love toward me; You have delivered me from the depths of the grave. The arrogant are attacking me, O God; a band of ruthless men seeks my life--men without regard for You. But You, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness. Turn to me and have mercy on me; grant Your strength to Your servant and save the son of Your maidservant. Give me a sign of Your goodness, that my enemies may see it and be put to shame, for You, O Lord, have helped me and comforted me.

bye bye medicine

2011-07-11T23:07:00.000-05:00

Well, after my mood got SOOO bad that I was ready to admit myself to a mental hospital (I'm sort of joking), I figured out that the meds were actually making everything worse (this can be a side effect). Been off for 4 days now. Went cold turkey - doctor hubby told me this was fine after only 2 weeks - and feeling so much better! Fog has cleared some and I am aware that there is a God again! :)

Here are some random pics from past few months (I'll post more later)...

This baby loves her "tutu" swimsuit!

2011-07-11T23:03:00.001-05:00

I mean, seriously, I could eat her up!

"Bad" bye :( (but rejoicing too)

2011-07-11T22:47:00.003-05:00

One of my dearest friends (Charlotte C) on the planet left for Uganda in May. They left everything to follow Jesus to the other side of the world. We miss them LOTS, but we know they are right in the middle of God's dreams for the people in Uganda!

Lily and McKenna

Jeff and his parents (hardest thing was watching Charlotte's mom and these sweet parents saying goodbye to their kids and grandkids)

Lakehouse trip back in April

2011-07-11T22:28:00.003-05:00

Our teenagers - leading some beautiful worship! (Jonathan brought Matthew Miller along so he wouldn't be the only "older" one - he was loved on by LOTS of little ones! ha!)

These girls have written some amazing songs together! Seriously.

our seven-yr-old sweeties :)

Oldies played basketball with Matthew and Jonathan - they survived (barely)

2011-07-11T22:08:00.002-05:00

Josiah shot this rattlesnake with his bow and arrow!

2011-07-11T22:04:00.000-05:00

more pics...

2011-07-11T21:52:00.005-05:00

Tiffany and Ami (not sure why Lexi is not in any of these pics!)

Just SOME of our children. Four couples; 19 kids. LOL!

the golf cart is always a bit crowded...

depression

2011-06-21T13:23:00.002-05:00

I'm depressed. For months, only my closest friends have known, but now I'm posting it on the world wide web. Whenever I'm sharing my testimony, I'm always referring to my depression as something in my past that I've been delivered from - and I know that the truth is that I HAVE been delivered from it. I will never be where I was before. But I am in the dark right now and today I decided that maybe it would benefit someone to hear about it while I'm in the middle of it instead of when it's in the past.

I've been reading The Silver Chair by C.S. Lewis (one of the Chronicles of Narnia) to my girls at bedtime. Seriously, reading those books is a spiritual experience. EVERYONE should read them (I'm embarrassed to admit that I've only completely read TWO of them, but it's my goal to read all of them this summer)! There are a couple of quotes that describe depression so perfectly. At one point in the story, the 3 main characters have fallen into the "Underland", the place where the evil witch reigns. It is dark, sad, and gloomy there with no natural light anywhere. They are being taken to the castle of the queen (witch) on a boat and here their experience is described: "Presently they were given food - flat, flabby cakes of some sort which had hardly any taste. And after that, they gradually fell asleep. But when they woke, everything was just the same; the gnomes still rowing, the ship still gliding on, still dead blackness ahead. How often they woke and slept and ate and slept again, none of them could ever remember. And the worst thing about it was that you began to feel as if you had always lived on that ship, in that darkness, and to wonder whether sun and blue skies and wind and birds had not been only a dream." Another quote that struck me last night was when Prince Rillian is released from the curse that he's been put under by the witch in which he cannot remember who he is. After he destroys the silver chair in which he is bound every night, he says to his rescuers who have obeyed the voice of Aslan, "For now that I am myself I can remember that enchanted life, though while I was enchanted I could not remember my true self." {This whole post is probably very confusing if you haven't read The Silver Chair, but if you have, you know why it is so powerful a story right now for me}. That so describes depression - when you are not in it anymore, you can remember what it's like to be depressed, but when you are actually covered by the cloud ("enchantment"), you have to fight to remember anything about your true self and you are easily convinced that maybe your true self never really existed. So for now, I just keep going. And I am also taking the advice of my hubby and starting anti-depressants. I have fought doing this again. Not sure why - it just seems like I'm giving up on God. But I know that's not true. Wishing I could solve all of this with enough prayer, enough good health habits, enough exercise, enough of whatever...like everything else, there aren't a whole lot of "perfect" solutions. For now, we'll just keep trying to take the next step with God.

Lots to write about...

2011-06-14T07:01:00.005-05:00

So we were in Midland this past weekend and someone said to my husband, "I used to read your blog, but you stopped blogging!" It was the second comment last week that I heard about our blogging (or lack of). I think I hit a couple of "bumps" over the past couple of years that made me shy away from blogging a bit. But Randy said to me the other night that I should write again, without worrying about what people think or say. SO! Realizing that God uses writing as "therapy" for my own heart, I'm going to give it a try again.

But there are SOOOO many things to write about! Our mission trip to San Diego last week, my kids schooling next year, a TON of pictures, the fragile state of my heart, and many other "ponderings" that my heart has been holding. Where to start, where to start...Pictures are always good! Here are a couple of shots of my precious baby's first haircut:

Our Piper Joy is such a delight. Really. McKenna says at least once a day, "I love this baby!" Our favorite thing to tell her is "Cheer up, Piper!" She is one of the happiest kids I've ever known. She didn't even think about crying for her first haircut.

I know my last post was a bit depressing. Sorry. It's where I was (and where I've been for several months now). I had lunch with a few friends yesterday and as they listened to the Lord, they had a couple of words for me. One saw a picture of me lying flat on my back needing CPR. She saw herself giving it to me. She said I've been living "inside my head" too much lately and that I needed to share with my kids how stuck I feel and get them to pray for me! I have been attempting to hide my despondency because I have spent so many days in previous years speaking out the lies of the enemy that I was believing. But in not communicating where I am, I have begun to shut down my heart and to let the lies scream at me inside my head. When they're not brought out into the light, they only gain power. So today, I plan to tell my children that I love Jesus and I love them, and that for whatever reason I feel stuck in the "down" and have them lay hands on me and pray. My other friend heard the scripture Psalm 126 yesterday and when we looked it up, it was clearly God speaking: "When the Lord brought back the captives to Zion, we were like men who dreamed. Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with songs of joy. Then it was said among the nations, 'The Lord has done great things for them.' The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy. Restore our fortunes, O Lord, like streams in the Negev. Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him. Thankful to walk with these women who deeply love Jesus. I have seen the face of God in our community, which is His kingdom come to earth. He demonstrates His love through the Body over and over again. I love seeing this part of His plan worked out in the flesh! Thanks, sweet sisters! And thank you, Lord, for always providing exactly what we need. The Lord is "on our side...Our help is in the name of the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth." (Psalm 124:1, 8)

wonderings and wanderings in dark places

2011-05-19T01:03:00.002-05:00

Hey friends. Guessing that no one has visited this blog in ages. Lots of neglect, like so many other things in my life. I am awake at 1 a.m. for reasons that I cannot exactly define. Could be that I took some "mood booster" vitamin supplements a little too late in the day? Or it could be that my mind is racing through the sludge again and I can't seem to stop it. I hesitate to share some of my thoughts here because I don't want to send anyone running to the phone to see if I'm denouncing my faith - I'm not. But have you ever been through those seasons when you wonder what in the world you're doing with God? Like...you wonder if all of this is for real and if it is, if YOU'RE for real. I think I've been wondering if maybe I've fallen into a bit of playing a part that I know I'm supposed to play. Pray when I'm supposed to. Say the "right" things to whoever. Play the role of happy mom when inside I feel like I'm withering away (like my kids are really fooled anyway). Okay, maybe that sounded a little dramatic. It's one in the morning, okay? I find it fascinating to think about what people think about others' lives. How often do we compare ourselves with the "so and so's" who have the oh-so-perfect-life-story (when really, very few people know the inside scoop on most people's lives). One could make quite a story about our lives - high school sweethearts wed, follow Jesus into the hood, have seven wonderful kids (and they are), and live happily ever after on the edge for God. Sounds gloriously wonderful and on some level I know that it is, but it doesn't feel like it right now. High school sweethearts are broken and need Jesus in dark seasons of marriage, those who live among the poor can become cynical and disengaged, seven children...that's a lot of relationship under one roof, and life just doesn't seem like a fairy tale a lot of times when you're on the inside of the story. But honestly, without seasons of wandering with God, it wouldn't be much of a story anyway. It would be boring. No one would want to read it. Real LIFE is birthed out of pain. Real intimacy with Jesus is birthed out of wondering if He's around sometimes. I know this and so tonight I will practice gratitude again and trust that He is doing more than I can see. And maybe tomorrow I'll post some pictures and you can erase this depressing post from your minds! ;)

the messy love of God

2011-03-11T06:22:00.002-06:00

What if we really knew that God's love doesn't fit inside of a neatly ordered, clean, predictable box constructed out of our own preconceived ideas and experience? Started thinking about this this a.m. when I read Phil 1:8 and Paul says how he "longs for all of [them] with the affection of Jesus Christ." What does the affection of Jesus look like? And then I started thinking about what passion, what affection looks like with us, fallen human beings....Piper started hyperventilating the other day when she saw her Daddy drive up as she ran to get down the front steps to greet him. She was squealing with delight. Solomon and his bride write some pretty passionate stuff in Song of Solomon - it's not what I would call "neat" or "orderly." Mary goes to Jesus, wastes thousands of dollars on his feet, and then bawls all over them, wiping off her snot and tears with her hair. This act certainly did not fall within the bounds of propriety! There are thousands of other examples of what humans do when they cannot contain their love and affection, losing all their inhibitions.

How much more so the love and affection of Christ.

The reactions that we see in the natural are but a shadow of what is reality - a passionate, "messy", over-the-top affectionate Father who doesn't realize that He is not supposed to be "foolishly" excited over the objects of His passion. Jesus wasn't religious. And He is the exact representation of the Father. Wow. Wow.

gratitude and the moment and pain

2011-03-08T14:02:00.003-06:00

So I've been meditating on Phil 4:4-7 and Eph 3:17-20. Don't feel like typing them out so go read them!! ;) "Power to grasp" the magnitude of God's love that "surpasses knowledge". And having peace that "transcends all understanding". He really is able to do "immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine." Familiar verses to many of us, but when I roll them around on my tongue and chew them over and over again, their flavor is only enhanced and heightened and magnified. I've also been reading two books that, as my friend says, are "transformative." One is Ann Voskamp's 1000 Gifts. I finished that one last week and just started Present Perfect by Gregory Boyd. I have lots to write, but little boys are here with swords and laundry is calling my name. But here are a couple of quotes: (the basis of Boyd's book) - "I realized that my trivial, self-centered mental chatter about the past and the future - like a dark cloud blocking the sun - had kept me from seeing the glroy of God that surrounded me every second of every day. Never before had I realized the extent to which our focus determines what we experience - and do not experience - in any given moment. Never before had I seen how being absorbed in the past or future causes us to miss the wonder of the present. This realization began to move me toward what I've since come to believe is the most fundamental truth a person can ever embrace, and it's the truth this book is all about.

The present moment is all that is real.

The past is gone. The future is not yet. We remember the past and anticipate the future, but we always do so in the present. Reality is always now. And the single most important aspect of of reality is that God is present in it every moment."

So I've marked up Voskamp's book so much I could fill post after post with quotes, but in light of what I just read in Boyd's book about focusing on God in every moment, it just takes what Voskamp expresses about deep truths concerning gratitude even deeper. We are in the middle of a couple of dark trials right now, the ones that make you look up to heaven and wonder how you got here. Thankful for these books that have reminded me to turn my eyes onto the King, the Lover, I AM and away from myself in the middle of seemingly hopeless circumstances. So Ann talks about remembering what God has done (seems contradictory to living in the present moment, but it's not actually because it causes you to remember that He is alive in your current moment). Anyway! Here is one of many encouraging quotes from 1000 gifts: "Every time fear freezes and worry writhes, every time i surrender to stress, aren't I advertising the unreliability of God? That I really don't believe? But if I'm grateful to the Bridge Builder for the crossing of a million strong bridges, thankful for a million faithful moments, my life speaks my beliefs and I trust Him again....It's only when you live the prayer of thanksgiving that you live the power of trusting God." Okay, here's another that has helped me see more clearly in this dark season of trial: "God holds us in the untamed moments too....Lament is a cry of belief in a good God, a God who has His ear to our hearts, a God who transfigures the ugly into beauty. Complaint is the bitter howl of unbelief in any benevolent God in this moment, a distrust in the love-beat of the Father's heart."

And when the script written for us is certainly not the one we would've chosen, I guess certain expectations are shattered and the story we've constructed in our minds is not the one we would have told. So here's another quote: "Pride, mine - that beast that pulls on the mask of anger - this is what snaps this hand shut, crushes joy. When I would read Henry Ward Beecher's words later, I'd take it for my own story, so familiar his thoughts: 'Pride slays thanksgiving...A proud man is seldom a grateful man, for he never thinks he gets as much as he deserves.' Dare I ask what I think I deserve? A life of material comfort? A life free of all trials, all hardship, all suffering? A life with no discomfort, no inconveniences? Are there times that a sense of entitlement - expectations - is what inflates self, detonates anger, offends God, extinguishes joy? And what do I really deserve? Thankfully, God never gives what is deserved....Proudly refusing to accept this moment, dismissing it as no gift at all, I refuse God. I reject God. Why is this eucharisteo always so hard?"

So, hope is not snuffed out as I try to remember that God could not be experienced in this moment in this way if not for this trial. Elisabeth Elliot always said that "all our trials are custom-made." Thankful for these trials. Thankful for the darkness in which God is taking me into His arms and reminding me of who He is and where He is. And just going through the pain - instead of trying to get the epidural - leads us to a joy that could have been birthed no other way. Thank you, good, good, good God.

rewind

2011-02-28T13:27:00.002-06:00

Just a few little thoughts about parenting. I was really young and extremely immature when I got married (not quite 21 yrs old and really self-absorbed). Maybe I thought having children would magically transform me into a competent, others-focused, mature woman overnight. LOL! Didn't happen! Poor McKenna is still the "guinea pig" of much of our ignorance as parents! But if I could rewind the past 14 years and do some things over I would. Such as...

*I would spend a LOT more time praying and being in the Word instead of relying on parenting books that advocate formulas. I mean, really. We laugh about it now, but we let McKenna cry for 45 minutes when she was only a few days old because some parenting philosophy told us that's what we should do to produce a baby that slept all night!! UGH!! I would love to push "rewind" and go back and hold that sweet baby more. AND I WOULD EVEN ROCK HER!! [That parenting philosophy has been shelved for good, by the way. Got rid of all his books. Although I used some basic tips from it, it was much more concerned with prideful formulas and not all that concerned with building relationship and listening to God in how to love on babies.]

*I would study my children more from day one. I have just recently (believe it or not) begun to really focus on the unique personalities, strengths, and weaknesses of my kids. Training/discipline really isn't "one size fits all".

*I would speak life and blessing over them habitually. I cringe to think about what my habits have been (praise Jesus, He's changing bad habits!!). Fault-finding and criticism would be far from me.

*I would hug and kiss them more!

*I would focus on training them by the grace and wisdom of God instead of trying to control their behavior. I confess that esp with a couple of my kids, harshness was my way of dealing with them. I'm paying the price now. Again, God is our Redeemer and He works all things together for our good. I know He's forgiven me. I'm just sayin'...wish I could turn back the clock. :(

*I would let go of perfectionism and stop procrastinating.

*I would "chill out" and just ENJOY every moment with them! I would laugh a lot more!

SOOO! Guess I just felt a burden to say that if you're a young mama who happens to be reading this, go enjoy your babies! They really are precious rewards from heaven. And while I can't go back and change any of the past 14 years...I have today. And the grace of God is more than enough for today.

Valentine's dinner tonight with my family

2011-02-13T20:33:00.002-06:00

Fun dip!

Should've gotten a pic of the table BEFORE we sat down...:)

sickness is almost GONE!

2011-02-13T20:28:00.003-06:00

BEFORE...

AFTER! Think this poor baby is feeling MUCH better!

my shoes

2011-02-12T06:52:00.006-06:00

"When I said, 'My foot is slipping,' Your love, O Lord, supported me." Psalm 94:18 (He didn't say "Buck it up, daughter, and figure out how to get yourself back on solid ground!")

"Satisfy us in the morning with Your unfailing love, that we may sing for JOY and be glad all our days." Psalm 90:14

I have always struggled with comparison. When I was young, I always thought someone else had better clothes than me or was "cooler" than I was. I was always either not as pretty or prettier than someone else. My accomplishments were either not as noteworthy or more impressive than someone else's. For those of us who spend a great deal of time in comparison mindset, you know that it's a constant game of either coming out on top or realizing that you're falling short. Now, as a Jesus follower, wife and mama, I most often find myself comparing myself in the areas of my walk with the Lord and how I'm doing at loving my hubby and how I'm doing at being a mom. Again, this can go either direction (I've spent seasons being an arrogant mess), but most often I believe that I'm falling short of some high standard that has been created in my mind. It becomes a stronghold - a mighty tower that is constructed around my soul and it doesn't take long to realize that I'm bound up and stuck, longing to escape my own prison of self-doubt, condemnation, and depression. The Lord has done BIG things in my heart over the last 5-6 years in the area of identity, but still I find myself back in that prison periodically. I've been there recently. The chains of comparison have been locked around my wrists, binding my ankles, making it almost impossible to even move. But praise God for community and for friends who will not only listen, but speak truth! About a week ago, a couple of dear friends and I were talking about this because I've been depressed and one of them said that you have to be comfortable in your own shoes and quit comparing yourself to everyone around you - what has God called YOU to do and be, etc.? So, shoes. I've been meditating on this for the past week and this morning I decided to ask God to describe/define my shoes and I wanted to know what they looked like. When I really remember that Jesus is not mad at me and that He is "exceedingly and uncritically fond of me", I sure do enjoy being with Him! I saw me sitting down and Him bending down as He put my shoes on. He looked up at me and grinned, saying "These are your shoes." My shoes are running shoes (and He pointed out that sometimes I change into track spikes - this brings me great joy - I LOVED wearing track spikes back in the day when I could actually run). They are very bright and colorful shoes because they are JOY shoes. They are comfortable and make moving through my days a delight! And here's what He showed me about what I've been doing. When I try to put on someone else's shoes and move through my life in shoes that were never intended for me, they give me blisters, cram my toes, and slow me down. In this condition, I am no longer free to run with Jesus because I'm thinking about myself and my own discomfort all the time. It also prevents me from fully entering into happiness for others and the shoes that they're wearing. Looking around at so-and-so's high heels or boots or slippers or flip-flops and wishing they were mine or trying to cram my feet into them only brings self-absorption and distraction and misery! But in the shoes that Jesus has hand-crafted for me, I am FREE to run (free to love other people with abandon, free to enjoy Jesus, free to lift my eyes up and see that there is more to life than the ground under my feet)! Some days will be a sprint and some days I'll need my distance shoes, but this is what God created me for and He's not wishing that I was wearing someone else's shoes. And when I can fully embrace this truth, I can truly appreciate all the other shoes that don my brother's and sister's feet and how their shoes bring something different to and complement mine in the kingdom of God. He likes my shoes! He likes me. His unfailing love surrounds us - right now. Thankful for my shoes today (and thankful for yours too). :)

ingratitude

2011-02-01T10:08:00.003-06:00

Not going to go into a long explanation of why, but for some reason, I'm fighting against the poison of ingratitude right now. It is my default. Critical spirit - of myself, my circumstances, my people in this house. I H.A.T.E. it. I'm reading Ann Voskamp's new book, One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are. Here's a quote I just read (I'm sure I'll be posting more in the days to come): "Isn't it here? The wonder? Why do I spend so much of my living hours struggling to see it? Do we truly stumble so blind tht we must be affronted with blinding magnificence for our blurry soul-sight to recognize grandeur? The very same surging magnificence that cascades over our every day here. Who has time or eyes to notice? All my eyes can seem to fixate on are the splatters of disappointment across here and me."

where JOY comes from

2011-01-30T05:41:00.003-06:00

Just a little revelation I've been meditating on for the past few days...

Due to the media void that we experienced over the last week, I found myself thinking and dreaming about all that I want myself, my marriage, my children, my home life, etc to be. Found that it all was falling terribly short. LOL! I also found that I was blatantly insufficient to meet my children's needs, made really obvious when I had 3 or 4 asking me for help, etc. all at the same time. I was so discouraged and hopeless last Monday p.m. I cried my eyes out as I went to bed with a bewildered husband lying next to me not knowing what to say. Then Jesus spoke the next morning. "The joy of the Lord will be your strength" (Nehemiah).... Getting it all right will never be my strength (and if it was, I'd be super prideful), my circumstances cannot be my strength. The JOY of the LORD is my strength. Available 24/7. He is overflowing with inexpressible JOY!

We fired our #1 and longest employed babysitter...JOY has taken her place

2011-01-29T07:06:00.003-06:00

Last week we made an important and life-changing decision - we fired our primary babysitter. She had been quite reliable over the years. She never made rash or unpredictable decisions. She cared little about what anyone thought about her; in fact, she was quite indifferent. And while she showed no particular interest in the well-being of my children, they were always quite mesmerized with her and her skills for entertaining at any time, day or night. I had heard others say over the years that she had highly honed skills of getting the kids "out of my hair", but I began to realize that no where in the Word of God does He address tactics parents should employ to "get their children out of their hair." In fact, quite the contrary: "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Wirte them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates." (Deut 6:5-9) Okay, so she wasn't doing anything to teach them about the Lord. And here's why we fired her - I had begun to overuse her. She appeared to never grow tired, but somehow my children were. I noticed that after having been with her, they were more prone to bickering, throwing fits, complaining, being disrespectful. Their love for each other seemed to wane. Their tendency to argue with me and with each other seemed to increase. Their child-like creativity was fading and being replaced by a dumb stare. When she wasn't babysitting them, they couldn't seem to find anything to do - they had forgotten how to PLAY!

So last week we decided that the cost of keeping her around was just too great - we fired her.

THE BIG BOX ON THE WALL THAT HAS SERVED AS A RELIABLE BABYSITTER FOR ME FOR YEARS HAS BEEN FIRED!

As of a week and a half ago, my children have watched no t.v. and played no more video games and we are rediscovering what it means to be child-like and what it means to be family. We haven't even had cable in 14 years, but it's amazing to me how much that box has had control. I had been using it to "watch" my kids as my kids watched it way too often lately - just PBS Kids and dvds you might say, but it was too much. Add video systems to that and you have media overload. And what was our default family night? Watching a movie together. I must say here that there is nothing inherently wrong with family movie night or in playing video games, but I have also been forced lately to answer the question: what fruit do they produce? A few times (although rarely) I suppose it produced something good...a little family bonding or togetherness? But not communication. Not relationship. Not engaging with our own hearts or the hearts of others. And very often they produced discontentment.

BUT GOD, in His great mercy, didn't let us stay there. He rescued us! And although I would say that the past week and a half has been difficult and has actually left me in tears a few times at the end of the day, it has been 100% worth it. Last Saturday p.m. we turned up the music, danced with each other, and had a "fashion show." One night this week, my children decided to read Sandra Boynton board books aloud while some of the others "acted" them out. It was hilarious. Last night we had family night and played with Polly Pockets and Toy Story people on the floor and then the boys created some interesting game with their toy cars (it involved throwing and hitting them). The rest of us read books or created beautiful artwork. We have talked more, touched each other more, prayed more, had more conversations, just been together more. Don't get me wrong - it hasn't felt particularly glorious at the time! But when I look back at the fruit, it tastes sweet and I do not regret our decision. Engaging in relationship is much more difficult, but it is the essence of abiding in Christ. I was reading John 15 this a.m. in my time with Jesus. Jesus repeatedly says things about if you love Him, you will obey His commands. I think I've always read this and thought "Wow, that's a long list." No, it's actually not. Verse 12: "My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you." Verse 17: "This is My command: Love each other." Not long. Not complicated. Love Jesus, love each other. They are inseperable. And I think I can confidently say that they have been a bit more difficult for our family as we have let the BIG BOX BABYSITTER take a higher place than Jesus and people. Ugh...isn't a more accurate term for that...idol?

I know some reading this are going to think I'm making judgments on everyone who has a television. No I'm not! But I am asking some hard questions right now that have been rolling around in my brain for quite some time about technology in general. There is an image that will forever be burned in my brain from the holidays. The Mighty Men came over on Christmas Eve for dinner and some of them arrived at my house before I did. When I came in there were 5-6 teenage boys sitting around in my living room...staring at the faces...OF THEIR PHONES!!!!! Not talking, not communicating at all (except for an occasional grunt), not acting ALIVE! It made me so sad. Really sad. Is this really what Jesus would have been doing with these boys? All I'm saying is that we live in a culture in which there are always battles to fight and I'm wondering if maybe we should declare war on how media is creeping in and stealing authentic relationship (yes, it could be argued that technology has made communication easier on many levels - I would agree, but could it be said that it has increased depth of relationship and community)?

I don't know all the answers. All I know is that I like the results of this experiment so far - MORE JOY - and I'm not going to be "re-hiring" our babysitter any time soon! :)

random pics of some of my babies

2011-01-23T16:21:00.002-06:00

my big girl rocking her baby - she is one of the most joyful babies I've EVER known!

I just found a few scrapbook pages I had done for Malachi and he has looked at them over and over again - poor kid; sometimes it's rough being #6!

My oldest and my youngest - Piper loves her big sister.

Moriah turned SEVEN!!

2011-01-23T15:56:00.002-06:00

Our Moriah Grace turned seven last week on January 19th. We are delighted with you and all that you are, sweet girl. You are a beautiful gift from God and you are destined to be a mighty prayer warrior in His kingdom, now and for the rest of your life. You will be like a tree planted by streams of water as your blessing from Jeremiah 17 says. The enemy's schemes against you will NOT succeed and you will lead many others to understand the divine power available to them by the power of the cross. You ARE full of the grace and truth of Jesus and we are so full of love for you. May this year be a special year for you as you are filled with a joyful passion like you've never known before!

On Tuesday night, she got to enjoy a "stuffed animal" party at our house with 5 of her friends!

playing freeze dance

Katherine, Grace, Mia, Olivia, Moriah, and Lily - fun, beautiful girls!

more birthday pics

2011-01-23T15:46:00.003-06:00

breakfast birthday coffee cake - a Brown family tradition

big brother is starting to look older - isn't he handsome? :)

her favorite shirt from her Nana and Papa

Moriah's 7-yr-old princess dress

2011-01-23T15:36:00.003-06:00

When McKenna turned seven, Randy bought her a beautiful flower girl "princess" dress that would remind her of how beautiful she is. We've decided to make it a family tradition for the girls on their seventh birthday and it was very timely for Moriah this year. She's been a little down lately and this sweet gift from her Daddy was a beautiful picture of how God loves us. And I couldn't stop watching her SMILE last night! She danced with Daddy and made her mama cry. :)

I think she likes it!

Yeah...can't you just see them in 20 years dancing at her wedding!?!

more of Moriah's dress

2011-01-23T14:48:00.004-06:00

sweet, beautiful girl

checking out the swirl/spinning quality of her dress

too much

2010-11-21T22:06:00.002-06:00

Blackberry Farm. Bed bugs. Disney World. Piper's first birthday. Sickness. Sleepless nights. Christmas tree decorating. Thanksgiving feasts. Women of Grace........so much going on in life. Pictures of most of it. Too tired to blog. Maybe when I'm 80??? :)

large family...

2010-10-28T05:16:00.005-05:00

(This is actually Anda writing): So I bought this book called "Large Family Logistics" hoping to get some helpful little hints for running the show around here. One of my kids sees the title and says "What? Is that book about how to have a large family?" A couple of the olders start giggling as I say "No...." And he says, "Oh yeah, y'all already know how to do that!" More giggles from the more informed of my offspring and the mama who can't suppress the laughter anymore. I love these kids!

Nothing important to say

2010-10-26T21:16:00.002-05:00

There is just something so empowering about being able to type something that can immediately be seen by people all over the world even if nobody every reads it.

A haiku in honor of the fact that in just 2 short days my wife and I will be leaving on a trip to Tennessee without our children:

Silent pond. White chairs.

Rainbow trees. My Love and I.

Anticipation.

And in honor of my parents who will be caring for our children:

Loud noises. Children

in perpetual motion.

Whining, pain, and joy.

I love the noise and chaos of 7 children. Driving home yesterday I was overcome with gratitude at the blessing of the life God has given us. Every morning when I leave for work, I have the delight of eight people hugging me and telling me that they love me. What great way to start the day.

Thank you Jesus.

Randy

Love

2010-10-24T06:38:00.003-05:00

Yesterday a.m. I was praying that the spirit of religion would be broken off of my community in Jesus' name. And He came and He broke a little more of it off of me. I was overwhelmed with gratitude yesterday at the outpouring of love in my neighborhood. There is a large church here that comes every year and heads up an outreach to Como. They join with our church and several other churches in Como. The Lord revealed my prideful attitude toward the volunteers who come to help - this is yuck, but sometimes it's easy to think that doing something like this outreach is just one more thing that people can check off their lists and then they get to go home while we're still here. (I told you this was a yucky attitude - brought out into the light, it loses its power). Anyway, yesterday when I was praying, I was asking once again for His love to be poured out on me so that I could really see and love the people in my hood. I suddenly saw that my neighbors aren't just strangers or the recipients of my condescending benevolence. They are MY people, like my family. When He showed me this, I was overwhelmed that so many volunteers would come and work their tails off to bless my people. This may sound simple and not that earthshattering, but it was a huge shift in my heart. More confession and repentance. I love the Body of Christ.

So I'm pondering the love of God again this morning....Seeing how little of my life has been spent actually obeying the Word of God. Let me explain what I mean. A couple of weeks ago in CORE a guy was teaching about the Great Commission and asked us what the last commandment was in that little section of Scripture. Several said "teach". He said "that's not what it says." He pointed out that it says "teaching them to OBEY". There is a real difference in teaching someone and in teaching someone to obey. One is a pouring in of information and quite necessary and good, but teaching someone to obey is discipleship and this is much harder. It is a pouring out of your own life. A guy in our class said that it's like the difference between a school teacher and a parent. One is in a classroom; the other is life on life. This was a huge revelation to me. Our culture in general is all about acquiring information, but actually pouring out your life to help someone follow Jesus - that's H-A-R-D. Simple, but very difficult to do. One of the last things the speaker said that night was that so much of what Jesus says in the Word is simple to understand, but hard to actually obey. So what we tend to do is make His teaching complex so that we can make it easier on ourselves.

So I've been thinking about "loving your neighbor as yourself." "Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" And He said to him, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets." Matthew 22:36-40

As I sit here this a.m. I have a picture on my piano of a man named Stanley Shipp. He's with Jesus now, but he greatly shaped who Randy and I are today because he was an amazing lover of people. In the picture he's sitting with a man in another country intently looking at him...sitting with him on the ground...getting in his world. Like Jesus. Stanley always said, "People will either be in your life or in your way." People were rarely in Stanley's way. So, yes, I do believe I'm rambling. LOL! But what I'm trying to say in all of this is that I want to know the love of God. And in knowing it, I want to love people. I have deceived myself into thinking I was doing this so many times, but God (in His GREAT mercy) is speaking through His Word and through the Body right now to show me that there is SO much MORE! And I want it...at least in theory. It. Is. Hard. And as I look at my life and realize how impossible it is to love like He has called us to love, I am encouraged. This is not an assignment for my dead flesh. Only the living Spirit of God in me can accomplish this unfathomable mission to love others as myself. Love this quote from John Piper's book, What Jesus Demands from the World: "We are in the company of incomparable superlatives - the two greatest commandments in the entire Word of God, and all of that Word hanging on them. We should take off our shoes in reverence here. There are few texts of Scripture greater than this....The second commandment seems to me to be an overwhelming commandment. It seems to demand that I tear the skin off my body and wrap it around another person so that I feel that i am that other person; and all the longings that I have for my own safety and health and success and happiness I now feel for that other person as though he were me. It is an absolutely staggering commandment. If this is what it means, then something unbelievably powerful and earthshaking and reconstructing and overturning and upending will have to happen in our souls. Something supernatural. Something well beyond what a self-preserving, self-enhancing, self-exalting, self-esteeming, self-advancing, fallen hunan being like me can do on their own."

And only when we see and receive the love of God for us can we even begin to be the expression of that love to others. I'm LOVING the love of Christ right now. And I'm beginning to see and enjoy and be fascinated with His creation, the beat of His heart. People. Sensing that the coming months will be more laying down of our rights for the sake of the Body and the lost. He is beautiful and I can't wait to see what He does as we just try to walk further in with Jesus. He is good. He is good. He. Is. Love.

the dance

2010-10-19T06:41:00.001-05:00

The Religious can’t dance. I try. That’s the problem. When I am Religious, it is about me. How spiritual can I be? Have I checked off everything on my “this-is-what-people-who-really-love-God-do” checklist? As much as I know the utter loathsomeness of this thinking, I unconsciously slip into it over and over again. White-washed tombs, beautiful on the outside; full of death and stench on the inside. I have played this game much of my life, wanting everyone to think that I had it all together. I laugh as I think about how when I was a kid, the only people who went up front for prayer at our church were those who were really needy and quite frankly, “dysfunctional”. Now, I seek out prayer every chance I get at “ministry” time - I AM really needy and dysfunctional! This is a free place to reside. But how easy it is to slip back into the rigid reality of wanting to have it all together, wanting to get it right for God and anyone else who may be watching. And then I get shaken back to reality by my deadness and I realize that I have stopped dancing with Him. There is no freedom in religion. I can hardly even move my feet. And it is there, in that place, where I have a choice to make. Either continue in the “trying to get it right” where I just keep stepping on my own feet and ultimately crash to the floor...or surrender my trying, lean over against His chest, confess my brokenness once again, and let Him take the lead. His warmth, His love, His forgiveness and security envelope me and the dance resumes. And the knots in my shoulders dissolve and while the outside may not look at “beautiful”, the inside comes alive again and the fragrance of Christ becomes my scent instead of my dead religion. Today I come back to Him, the One who said, “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” The One who “cried out with a loud voice, ‘Lazarus, come out.‘“ And Lazarus came out. Today I choose to COME OUT to Him and dance, leaving my stench behind for one more day. It's another day of grace.

my sad Malachi

2010-10-18T21:43:00.005-05:00

There are hazards inherent to living with 6 siblings - you might get stepped on, you might get hit (not always unintentional), you may miss out on the last piece of cake if you're not fast enough...and then there are those risks involved that one would never dream up even in their most creative moments. You might just be trying to hug your daddy goodbye in the morning and get stabbed in the eye by your four-year-old brother as he passionately flings his arms around daddy's legs. Oops. It was an accident. Probably time to trim Isaac's nails? Sweet Malachi cried off and on ALL DAY. One trip to Daddy's office to get a diagnosis (abrasion on the cornea?) and then on to another doctor appointment at the opthamologist's. He patched it after putting some antibiotic cream in his eye. Mercy. Mercy. Mercy. There has been MUCH wailing today. But you have to admit that the little guy is just pathetically adorable! :) And, by the way, his eye should be much better by tomorrow (at least that's what we're praying)!!

Is this not a really cool worm??

2010-10-18T21:40:00.002-05:00

Yes, this is a random post, but my little boys found this caterpillar outside the other day and I thought it was fascinating. The Author of the universe...quite creative.

melancholy night

2010-10-12T21:54:00.003-05:00

Those of you who tend to be more melancholy understand maybe the desire to write more when you're down? Don't know; maybe that's just me. One week ago today I spoke at this small mom's get-together about the glory of God in my messed up life. :) Topic was walking in the grace of God - talked about things that kill grace in our lives and the weapons we need to use to keep walking in it. It was from God; it was much of my story, past and present; it was good stuff - wish I would listen to myself tonight! LOL! I know I'm different now. I know I don't believe all the old lies. I know He is here and He is with me. But it's as if the old demons love to rear their miserable heads right on the heels of me celebrating the freedom that God has brought and continues to bring. Sigh. So here I sit. Listening to my melancholy music. Writing my melancholy words. Kind of just wishing I had a two week break from life. But here is what I know that I know that I know (that I didn't used to know)...He is right here with me in my melancholy. And Hope whacks off the heads of the demons once again. :)

Josiah's baptism!!

2010-09-29T00:17:00.003-05:00

After encountering the Lord in a pretty powerful way this summer at Op Camp, Josiah began thinking about surrendering his life completely to Jesus. He's been so excited about his decision to get baptized! His faith has been a HUGE encouragement to me lately and I can't wait to see the Lord's destiny worked out in his life. I love you, Josiah Paul, passionate, on-fire, Mighty Man of God!

his declaration of faith in our beautiful Jesus!

love that boy's daddy ;)

Chad Reisner praying blessing over him - love our CF body!!

lots of family to celebrate with!

2010-09-29T00:11:00.002-05:00

7 Midland cousins came to celebrate with Josiah - such a blessing!

wonderful grandparents came too

our little family :)

awakening part 2

2010-09-28T23:42:00.002-05:00

So again, while I may have intellectually conceded pretty much forever that telling people about Jesus was a good thing and definitely Biblical, I had somehow convinced myself that it wasn't for everyone, esp me. It was for those people with the gift of evangelism. And I've also believed that it doesn't work. Doesn't "WORK"? What in the world??!! Yes, as I've examined my thought processes over the past few weeks, I've realized that I've believed the lie that people don't want to hear some weird Christian trying to "sell" them something. But what has been the most startling is that I've seen that the root of not sharing Jesus with people is really just that I don't care about people. If I try to strategize and figure out the best angle and all of that, it becomes that - a strategy that makes that person a statistic. But if I look at them and really SEE them - I have begun to see that He is "exceedingly and uncritically fond of" the person checking me out at the grocery store or waiting on me at a restaurant or standing at my front door...you get the picture. And I'm beginning to truly have the revelation that this really isn't about ME at all. The parable of the sower has been a huge encouragement - the guy from Antioch taught on it. Here's a few nuggets: the farmer sowed generously and didn't evaluate/judge the soil before he flung the seed to see where it landed; only 25 percent of the seed sown actually produced fruit - encouraging as we see that rejection is pretty much guaranteed and to be expected; it was about the word being sown, not the farmer's skill. And look at how much fruit was produced by the 25 percent!! So in our sharing the gospel, we never know who is going to take it and become an on-fire passionate Jesus lover - the burden of that is on Him and not us. But the bottom line for me has been an awakening to the love of Christ for me and for the people around me. I'm starting to get delighted with people like never before. I'm judging less and less (which is a miracle from heaven, believe me). It's really HARD to bring up Jesus with people, but I'm starting to do it. Not sharing the whole gospel in 2 minutes yet, but I'm growing!! AHHH!! I LOVE it when Jesus takes us in all of our messed up weakness and invites us into His adventure with that big grin on His face! I'm so ready. Been stuck for too long.

And speaking of our messed-upness. One of the most encouraging parts of CORE so far has been our retreat in which we all shared our testimonies (there are 30 of us). It was amazing. That God could take this group of people and turn us into Jesus followers is a MIRACLE! There is HUGE power in the testimonies of the saints - it fuels faith in a very unique way, hearing the stories and sharing your own. Here's mine in a nutshell: Before Christ...self-absorbed, security-addicted, judgmental, critical, racist who didn't like children all that much and was suspicious and calloused to the poor. Now...learning to say no to self and yes to others, lives in the African American "hood", more full of grace because so aware of my own dysfunctional brokenness, have 7 children and our "ministry" is to children who are poor. It makes me laugh with JOY and amazed at the power of God when I consider what He has done and continues to do. And He gets ALL the credit because I CERTAINLY didn't make any of it happen! I always tell people that I am the least likely candidate they know to have 7 children and live in the hood. God definitely has a sense of humor! :) He is so good. Know that i'm rambling and that I really need sleep so I'll stop, but the word "awakening". I didn't really explain that. I just keep hearing that in my spirit. He is awakening me. I'm scared to death, but I love it and I'm ready to hand over my junk to the One who is worthy of all praise and worth all my affection and attention. HE IS SO BEAUTIFUL AND GOOD!! May you be blessed to really KNOW that the Father is exceedingly and uncritically fond of you right now! He really is!

awakening

2010-09-28T10:36:00.001-05:00

I am so full right now. Been writing in my head for days now, but a little hard to find the time to sit down and pour out heart. :) Now is not a good time either, but I can't stand to wait anymore! Where do I start? Okay. I'll start with the recent and POWERFUL love revelation from the Father. Then I'll move on to evangelism...

About a week and a half ago we were at CORE (our church's discipleship training school - yes, we did it when we first moved here about 9 years ago and we were hungry for big change in our lives again, so we're doing it again - it's somewhat different now, with a lot of focus on evangelism, and led by our dear friends, Christ and Tiffany Guild). Anyway!! The speaker was talking about evangelism and he had us listen at one point that night to see what God would say about love, people, etc. That night I asked Him to open my eyes and to let me experience His heart for people, to really, really love people. I've been realizing lately that I lack deep love for people. And I love it when you get to a place in your spirit where you realize that there is absolutely no hope if Jesus doesn't show up and pour out HIS love in you. I was there. Thought I heard the word "callouses" but nothing more right then. A couple of hours later, RB and I were driving to the lake and I was pondering the meaning of a word I'd heard recently. RB hands me his Kindle and tells me to look it up in the dictionary. The word's meaning was "to be exceedingly and uncritically fond of". I cried and cried. There's really no way to describe everything that happened in my heart at that moment, but He removed one of the callouses as I heard Him speaking to my heart "I am exceedingly and uncritically fond of you." And right as I was seeing it for myself I began to see it and feel for others. And everything has been different since that p.m. I looked it up in another dictionary and the definition was "to be lavish or excessive in one's attention, fondness, or affection." The Lord reminded me of I John 3:1 the next day: "How great is the love the Father has lavished on us that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!" I couldn't stop smiling and still can't every time I think of my Father just lavishing Himself all over me. I have known intellectually for quite some time of the depth of God's love, but have rarely SEEN it in my spirit. It was one of those stake-in-the-ground, change-your-life-forever kind of revelations. Hebrews 4:12 - "For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints, and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart." Recently heard a guy teaching on this verse and how the "word of God" includes but is not limited to the written Word here in this verse. This was one of those "spoken" word times that went DEEP (and makes so much of the written Word come to life now)!

So on to EVANGELISM. What did you feel and think when you just read that word? I've been thinking about how just hearing or seeing that word affects my thoughts and emotions. It's pretty negative!! A huge part of the focus in CORE is evangelism. That's a big part of why I wanted to go through it again. Evangelism has pretty much never even been on my radar. But over the past year, God has been challenging me in this area, mostly because of some of my close friends who are always bringing up the Lord with complete strangers (i.e. my friend Ami while we were in NYC). So here is what God is showing me. I have compartamentalized (sp?) this part of my walk with Jesus when it is actually an essential and normal part of following Him.

bloggable Luke quote

2010-09-21T21:29:00.005-05:00

Luke: "Mom, what would happen if you super-glued your buns together and then tried to poop?"

It's questions like this that make me thankful I have that college degree...

time

2010-09-19T22:26:00.001-05:00

All I can say is that someday I might post again...when I find the time...tired...tired...so darn tired!

Days of Grace

2010-09-07T07:29:00.002-05:00

I was reminded of where I got the title to this blog yesterday. Graham Cooke did this "talk" called the "Nature of God" several years ago. The woman who discipled me when we first moved to the Metroplex (mighty woman of God who changed my life!!) had me listen to it often. As I listened to it again this a.m., I realized again that listening to these words of truth played a role in getting me to Como. I just love God. I love how He uses seemingly small things or experiences to make such a huge impact in our lives. Anyway, here are the YouTube links - there are two parts and they're only about 20 minutes total. It's worth it to take 20 minutes and listen! You'll see where I got the title "Days of Grace." May you have deep revelation of the goodness of God today!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gJr_P4U1RTM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TAx42twXbVI&feature=related

as if we're not weird enough...;)

2010-08-07T22:54:00.002-05:00

Well, I'm not sure what happened over the last month or so, but I've become overwhelmed with how much our culture is controlled by media - the internet, tv, dvds, video games etc. I have begun using the dvd player as a babysitter a bit more frequently than I would like and so I began to wonder what would happen in our family and in our hearts if we "fasted" from all media for a short time - no internet (this is the hardest one for me) and no watching/playing anything. SO! Beginning tomorrow we are leaving the media frenzy for about 3 weeks - we will return on September 1st. I pray that we spend more time listening to God, reading our Bibles, talking to each other instead of staring into screens, and that we share books and more of life together. I guess we'll see what happens! If you need to reach us, you'll have to be crazy and CALL! :) I'll let you know how this experiment went in September!

Jesus

2010-08-04T08:36:00.002-05:00

So I'm reading Ephesians this a.m. and I was struck by these phrases: "the unsearchable riches of Christ", the "riches of God's grace", "His glorious riches", "able to do immeasurably more." Wow. God is not holding anything back. We can't reach the end of His riches. We can't measure them. And His love "surpasses knowledge." Nothing to say but "WOW!" Then I picked up my book. Had just read in Eph about how God "made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions". From Jesus Manifesto: "Jesus did not come to make bad people good. He came to make dead people live." Amen! :)

Here's another good one about the kingdom of God: "Paul said that Jesus is 'head over all things [for] the Church.' Notice, Jesus is head over all things not for the state but for the church. All things are placed under His feet, Paul wrote, but Jesus has been appointed 'head' of 'all things' for the church. Some have made Jesus the chaplain of the American dream. Others have made Him the chaplain of the Democratic Party. Still others have made Jesus the chaplain of capitalism and Republicanism. All are equally blasphemous. Most blasphemous of all are those who would decapitate the head from its body and render Christ irrelevant."

Here's a great little section about the poor - and convicting as I remember that there is no loving the poor apart from Jesus. "We must never avoid social issues. But the distinctive mark of a Christian is that you don't begin with a social or moral issue. You begin with God. You start with God's revelation in Jesus, and the relationship of justifying/sanctifying/glorifying grace that the "heir of all things" releases in all of us. You make the Light of the World, not culture, your reference point. Our time should be spent figuring out our relationship to Jesus, and what He is doing in the world. Why? So we can join Him in what He's already doing. If we start anywhere else but Christ, we lose our way. If we start with the social and political as our reference point, the 'social gospel' becomes very much 'social' and very little 'gospel.' In truth, there is no 'gospel' that is not a 'social gospel'. For example, when we reach out to the poor and sick, we are not doing so because of some principle of justice, or some theology of poverty and sickness, or some political platform or legislation, or some responsible way of dealing with surplus wealth. We do so for three reasons:

1. The deepest hungers of the human heart are for forgiveness and reconciliation with God.

2. We are reaching out to Jesus Himself ('I was sick and you visitied Me'). In the poor and sick, it is Christ whom we attend and feed and love. Followers of Jesus exist for others, not for themselves.

3. The life of Christ within us compels us to reach out to such. The Galilean prophet who healed the sick and cared for the poor continues His ministry in and through us today."

Loving thinking about Jesus. Whole paradigm is shifting right now. I have only had love that stayed within the bounds of knowledge up until now and I'm ready for the love that surpasses knowledge! Come Jesus!

the prison of self

2010-08-03T08:02:00.003-05:00

some of the girls from my cabin

my babies always have to get a shot with Josh Norman - they love him! (a camper years ago at the west texas op camp)

I have SOOO much to write about and I'm sure I don't possibly have time right now before my sweet children wake up, but let's just summarize the past week and a half by saying that God did AMAZING things - at Op Camp and in my own heart. More on that later, but right now I just wanted to post a few quotes from a book I'm reading called Jesus Manifesto. It has transformed my life. Desiring God by John Piper may be the only other book I can say that about besides the Word itself. This book is about Jesus. And about how we have stopped seeing that HE is IT. In the Church (esp. in America) we have made life about so many other things. We think that once you've been a believer for a while, it's time to move on to "meatier" aspects of theology. Wow. When you really ponder that thought, it's scary, but it's how I have thought for much of my life (until I started listening to my pastor preach the glory of Jesus week after week after week)! I'll share a couple of quotes (yes, they're LONG :)). Here's one: "So what is your chief occupation in life and ministry? Here's a hint: Whatever you are occupied with comes out of your mouth. It's what you talk about most of the time. For many Christians, their occupation has nothing to do with spiritual things at all. For others who are more inclined to divine matters, their occupation is evangelism. For some it's church multiplication that matters most. For others, it's memorizing the Bible and learning theology. Many Chirsitans are most occupied with social action, while others are most occupied with leadership and its various principles. Still others are mainly occupied with missions, or praise and worship; the casting out of demons, or healing; miracles, holiness, or the end times; spiritual authority and submission, justice, politics; and so forth. The list is endless. But all of these are just 'its' - just things. In fact, the Christian family has swung so far from its Lord that most of our preaching and teaching today is an 'it' rather than a 'Him'. The result: We focus on 'things' - even good and religious things. And the Lord Jesus Christ is pushed off into a corner. (He usually gets inserted somewhere in the message as a side dish, but He's rarely the main course.) Yet, the reality is that Christ trumps everything. All Scripture testifies of Him. The Father exalts Him. The Spirit magnifies Him. The angels worship Him. The early Church knew Him as her passion, her message, and the unction of her life. Christ was her specialty. He was her Bridegroom and head. She specialized in nothing else. All told, there's nothing worth pursuing outside of Chirst. To our minds, there is one reason why a Christian would not be absolutely occupied and consumed with Christ. That person's eyes have not been opened to see His greatness. The sad truth is that the Jesus who is preached so often today is so shallow, so small, and so uncaptivating that countless believers are enthralled with countless other things."

YES! So I'd been reading this when I went to Opportunity Camp last week. Of course, I was not all consumed with Christ - in fact, the few days before going I was quite all consumed with myself - how hard it was going to be doing camp with all my children, how tired I was, how I didn't want to spend the week with all my neighborhood children, ad nauseum (sp?). BUT my heart and mind were beginning to shift because I had been reading about Jesus (in another chapter, the authors just go on and on with scripture after scripture about Him). My eyes were just barely beginning to shift away from my own navel. I have been feeling for many years now, but esp lately, that there is something really sick in my spirit. I have known that I am just grossly concerned with self and how everything relates to and affects me. I suppose all of us are to some extent, but I could tell from having been around my closest friends that mine was perhaps a deeper sickness than most. I have known for years that my default thoughts are usually always about me. This is very embarrassing and even repulsive I know (but the beautiful news is that God is cracking up this faulty foundation)!! So I'll talk more about what God is doing in a minute (maybe, my babies are awake :)), but here are some quotes from the book that describe what I've been sensing: "Jesus' sense of self is God-centered, not self-centered....Is your faith based more on a flaccid 'What's in it for me?' than on pursuing your Lord and the concerns that He has? Then turn your head away from the reflective pool before you drown in the Narcissus Nirvana. Get outside of yourself and into Christ. In this way you will live beyond yourself to see others, not just yourself, and in seeing them you find yourself. (Maybe we need some "Drown Narcissus" rituals...like a fast from "self-help groups" - a favorite oxymoron - or self-help books)....You are not the point. And we are not the point. Jesus Christ always has been and always will be the point. All the arrows point to Him and not to us....Here's our answer: Get a fresh glimpse of your incomparable Lord, and you will be emboldened to stop spending your life on yourself. Connect with him who is life, and you will be empowered to deny yourself, live beyound yourself, and live outside yourself. Let go, break free of the self, the captivity of me. Only Christ can set you free from yourself - the old self that He nailed to His cross. No amount of willpower or good intention can accomplish this. So lay hold of Him and escape the straitjacket of the exalted, exaggerated, narcissistic, sense of self. You and your causes are not the center of the universe. You are part of a process of life that is greater than you. The self only exists at all inasmuch as it participates in the being of God. You are not the main character in your own story. God in Christ is."

All I can say is that I am beginning to experience the freedom that Christ promises. And it's not coming because I'm getting my way or because my circumstances are all that great right now (this sleep deprivation thing can really cause one to be a bit self-focused...:)) So here is my gross confession. I have been going to Op Camp off and on since I was 15 years old. And it has ALWAYS been about me. When I was a teenager it was about the current boy I was enamored with (ususally Randy Brown). I can't remember one camper and can remember very few experiences because I really didn't care a wit about the kids. As an adult going to Op Camp Como for the past few years, it has still been mostly about me. I always go and worry about whether or not I'm doing enough or if the campers like another mentor better than me or about how I'm feeling physically, etc, etc. (Like I said, this really is nauseating, but bear with me, Christ is about getting His glory and it's coming)!! I have always wanted to care - I mean really have compassion and deep love - for the kids, but quite frankly, it has been very shallow. This year was the first year that this was not my experience. Instead of walking in my self-conscious and insecure flesh most of the week (mind you, I'm not saying I didn't EVER go there - it was just less frequent:)), I experienced confidence in Christ and what He was doing or not doing. The best example of this was in a purity talk that I was asked to give to all the girls on the last day of camp. It was honestly the WORST job of public speaking I have EVER done. I did a terrible job of communicating and it just felt like a failure. And I walked away from it laughing (you have no IDEA how miraculous this is) because I had spent so much time praying about it that a.m. and in giving all of it to HIM. If anything good came from that little talk, it was all JESUS and not me. I think He wanted me to experience a little humiliation so that He could remind me again that it's not about me and my natural abilities.

So here's a summary of what God did at camp (okay, it's a long summary). To be honest, Randy and I have spent little time praying about camp. For some reason, this year, He led us to pray every night from midnight to 1 a.m. There were around 10 adult mentors crying out to God and worshipping every night at camp. We welcomed Him to come and do whatever He wanted to do. We began to feel compassion and let our hearts break for these kids. It rained on Monday and Tuesday and so the kids couldn't go swimming because of thunder. Needless to say, they were very bummed. On Tuesday, the power went out for 3-4 hours. At the beginning of dinner, all the kids prayed at once for the power to return, but it remained off. It was bounce house night and as dinner ended and we still had no power, things were beginning to look a little grim. RB and Van gathered up the kids again and as they were beginning to pray again that the lights would come on, they did! Some of the kids were yelling, "There is a God!" :) All I can say is that the Holy Spirit just showed up at the end of camp. On the last night, they had a powerful testimony from one of the counselors, followed by a skit about chains being broken in our lives. Randy just sent all the cabins outside with the instructions that they should pray together as a cabin before going back to their cabins. I was a mentor for a cabin of girls and so I went with them. They prayed and cried and talked a little and then I blessed them individually. But I never got to one of the counselors because she was filled with the Holy Spirit. The whole camp heard her crying and yelling and laughing (for about 15 minutes). I realize that some of you reading this are uncomfortable with this story - I was a bit uncomfortable with the situation at first - but then I remembered that we had been asking God to come and do whatever He wanted! So I just moved out of the way and let God do what He wanted. :) As this counselor was getting up to return to her cabin, McKenna came running to me crying and unable to talk. She finally communicated that God was speaking through a couple of boys from Josiah's cabin. And He was. They had just been filled with the Spirit. The whole cabin was weeping. And Tavius (one of our Mighty Men's little brothers) was prophesying and praying for one hour! He confessed and repented of everything he could think of, he kept telling everyone he loved them. He was praying things that he never would've known how to pray. Same with another kid from my boys' football team named Carl. They had been overcome with the love of God in the Holy Spirit and it was absolutely beautiful. Another one of our MM who was a counselor was weeping with Randy for a long time, just realizing how blessed he was and talking a lot about how much he had been given. He used to be one of these kids who didn't want to go home because home was so horrible (now his mama is a Jesus-lover!). His heart was breaking for them and gratitude was being released in him again. And I just have to add that he told RB that night that he hasn't looked at porn in 3 years and is still a virgin. YESSSSSS!!!! I just cannot TELL you how much that encouraged my faith!!! :) Anyway! At the end of the night (at 2 a.m.) Van Gravitt's oldest 2 boys were baptized! The whole night was such a faith-builder! We came home full and changed. And so did those boys. 7 boys went to church with us Sunday a.m. and then came to lunch at our house afterwards. Carl had been reading his Bible and could tell you the dimensions of the ark and that people used to live to be 900 years old! Tavius and Carl both said that they had stopped listening to rap and that they were now changed. And I have never heard such expression of gratitude in my home from these kids before. I heard more thank-yous than I ever have. The fruit of the Spirit is growing already!! And another cool thing is that I wanted them at my house. I wasn't feeling like some martyr because I was having to serve them etc. Trust me, this is a miracle from Jesus.

Mercy, this post is long! I just love it when Jesus takes us in all our brokenness and dysfunction and loves us and leads us into His love. That's what I"m asking for right now. To be filled with His love. I'm tired of being so in love with myself. And after experiencing a little taste of life being more outward focused in the last week, I'm ready for MORE! And trust me, apart from Him, it is IMPOSSIBLE! Okay, speaking of life being outward, I have to go love and train some sweet children now....JESUS IS BEAUTIFUL!!!

a few ramblings on grace

2010-07-23T07:33:00.004-05:00

Reading Galatians in my time with Jesus right now. Amazed at my ability to return to the law over and over again. I want so much to have a system or a method or a set of rules to live by. But all it does is exhaust me. I was aware of this tendency in all of us, esp. myself when my friend and I went to New York City to encourage some moms in ministry. I'm sure they were expecting something a little different than what we offered. I would have been to! When anyone comes to talk to me about being a mama I want solutions; I want a system for getting my life and my children's to look like what I think it should look like. That's pretty much what every parenting book out there attempts to do (which, by the way, is why i LOVE Sally Clarkson - she stresses over and over again that she cannot give you a formula because every family, every child, every situation, etc. is different and it's about following the Spirit). So when Ami briefly says "I can't tell you whether or not you should homeschool. Ask Jesus." in response to the question "How did you decide to homeschool?" it was probably frustrating. When we said "pray in tongues, ask the Holy Spirit for answers when you don't have a clue what to do", it was probably frustrating. IT'S STILL FRUSTRATING TO ME ON ONE LEVEL! I want so badly for there to just always be an answer so I don't have to seek God! Just being real here people! But in reality, I find much freedom in seeking Him for everything. There is HUGE freedom in dependency. It is how He made it to work. So why do I keep wanting to return to prison?? "Before this faith came, we were held prisoners by the law, locked up until faith should be revealed. So the law was put in charge to lead us to Christ that we might be justified by faith. Now that faith has come, we are no longer under the supervision of the law." Galatians 3:23-25. So I am not saying that there aren't "laws" to follow and general principles that remain unchanging in any situation - the Word of God remains the Word of God - but I am saying that it comes down to slowing down, hearing His voice, and obeying. Although I could have told you that was true, I'm in a new season of it actually becoming more of a reality instead of just a mental assent to the truth. The question "What would Jesus do?" is really not the right question. I'm asking now, "What is He doing and how is He wanting me to obey and join with Him right now?"

Just started this book yesterday called Jesus Manifesto. Here's a great quote: "The question is only this: 'Do you love Me?' What does Jesus want from us? Leadership? Or love? Unfortunately, we cannot properly love Him if we haven't caught sight of how incredibly glorious His is. But once we do - once we catch a sighting of Jesus Christ in all His glory - we will gladly exchange our dusty rites, Christian-speak, and pop-culture church-building tactics for the joy of becoming a walking breathing 'Jesus Manifesto'."

I am really only longing for one thing right now - a revelation of His love. He has shown me lately that this is what is lacking. I was in I Corinthians 13 again recently and as I read the beginning it was startling. I'm at least doing some loving things for the poor (but trust me, I'm lacking compassion), I've been praying in tongues more than I ever have, I've even been hearing words for people in prayer maybe more than ever. SO WHAT?!! I saw again how those things are encouraging sometimes, but they aren't filling me with joy - I've known it, but the Word just reminded me of why. Because His heartbeat is LOVE. Right now I'm asking daily for a revelation again of His love because I absolutely cannot give what I have not received. If you're into intercession PRAY that RB and I will see JESUS and all that He is. I do not want to walk into Opportunity Camp this next week without seeing Him. He is all that matters. And loving people is what He is about - all the time. And there is freedom in knowing that apart from Him I can do absolutely NOTHING!!

Anyway, time to go feed sweet PJ, who I must say is the embodiment of joy! We have spoken it over her since before her birth. We know that it is who God made her to be in our family, but I am still amazed and so thankful almost daily! :) And now I think you need a picture of her (and her precious brother who's keeping us all on our toes!)

These two are quite the pair on bike rides with Dad!

All of that rambling to say that my goal this week is only this: Receive His love, rest in His grace. Love Him.

so much to write about...but it's 11 p.m!!!

2010-07-20T22:57:00.004-05:00

I have no time to write. I rarely even complete a thought during the day, so thinking that I could possibly write a complete sentence is almost foolish. And since I'm extremely sleep deprived, I think that it would be foolishness for me to stay up one second longer to write on this blog. But for those of you who actually still check it occassionally, just know that I think whole blog posts multiple times during the day and perhaps at some point I may have a good 45 minutes to create a post. Until then, here is one picture...

My man has become what some might call obsessed with biking. RB, my oldest boys, and the Connally men rode the Trinity Trail to a Cats game a few nights ago, watched the game from a hill, and then rode home around 10:30 p.m! A great memory with the Connallys who will be moving in a couple of weeks. :(

And here's my one last thought about a revelation from Holy Spirit earlier this evening at our Como Bible study. In regard to the story of Jesus feeding 5000 people with 2 fish and 5 loaves, He KNOWS that all we have to bring to Him is very, very little as He's telling us to feed His sheep. He KNOWS!!! He just wants us to give Him all we have (which, again, I must say, doesn't feel like very much...because it's NOT). Then we can watch Him multiply it beyond our wildest imagination! I get messed up because I really start to believe that if I just try in my own power/strength to feed the masses, then somehow I can pull it off. Doesn't take long to realize that to think I can do anything apart from Him is utter CRAZINESS!! He knows our own resources are limited...and He knows His are limitLESS!! Love it when I sense His nearness. Good night!

Cow Adventure

2010-07-12T19:08:00.005-05:00

It's McKenna again! Okay, so, my mom went to New York last weekend, and my dad stayed home with all of us. We found out that it was Cow Appreciation Day at Chick-fil-a on Saturday. If you were completely dressed like a cow, you could go and get a full free meal. Of course, Dad thought it would be just great to try it. But we didn't anticipate the neighbors coming over. :) So after the hour 1/2 it took to leave for Chick-fil-a, we ended up going with a few more people than were made for our 12 - passenger van...

We printed a bunch of spots, ears, noses, tails, and signboards off of Chick-fil-a's website.

kinda embarrassing...

2010-07-12T17:36:00.011-05:00

Cute kids! :)

Dreaun, Blakelan, and Andre

Finally ready to go!

Isaiah, Josiah, and Luke got creative with the utters. LOL!

Anyway, it was a fun experience, though a little embarassing...;)

Haiti Trip!

2010-06-26T15:08:00.010-05:00

Hey, this is McKenna! I wanted to blog a little about our Haiti trip! For those who don't know, Dad, Luke, and I went on a 6 day mission trip to Haiti last week. It was an incredible experience and I would love to visit again. Here are a few of my favorite pics:

We're off- on our way to Florida! Luke was allergic to something on the flight and broke out in hives. Luckily, God healed him really fast.

After a late night in Florida with Jack Walker and Sam Caire, we left for the airport at 4 a.m. We were all really sleepy and probably a little delirious...

There was something that made us a little uneasy about the crashed plane waiting for us at the end of the runway...

Our truck, with the rest of our team, was waiting for us at the Haitian airport.

There was trash like this EVERYWHERE driving down the street. My dad and I realized that you can't really capture Haiti though unless you have a scratch-and-sniff picture because the smells were a big part of it! They burned parts of their trash, so driving down the street, it smelled bascially like burning trash and dead animals. Gross.

Church behind a church building

Counting pills at the hotel for the next day's clinic

2010-06-26T14:30:00.005-05:00

Monday was an awesome first clinic - at least for me. Dad got to pray for a lot of people, Luke got to help count pills, and I got to love on a lot of little kids.

Luke helped out a lot - in the pharmacy, taking pictures for the doctors, and playing with kids.

I got lots of special souvenirs after passing out crayons and index cards.

I met this girl named Vanessa who's also twelve. She spoke a little English and she and I hung out all day. It was really nice having someone my age there.

2010-06-26T12:24:00.006-05:00

On Tuesday, we did a clinic at a place 2 1/2 hours away. It was a little more challenging than the day before, especially when Patti Griggs and I got CROWDED with kids who wanted to make their bracelets first. I can't even describe the grace God gave me that day though. Had he not given me Patti, I might not have survived! :) She helped by taking the kids and singing songs with them. I learned a lot from that day and think it was productive despite the challenges.

Daddy praying with a little girl

This is one of the few kids who would smile for the camera.

This was the building where the nurses did the pharmacy and the doctors examined people. The blue table in the back was the pharmacy.

Teaching (and learning) some songs with the kids

2010-06-26T11:53:00.009-05:00

On Wednesday, we visited an orphanage. We did a small clinic for the kids, but mostly just played with them. I had tons of fun!! We passed out paper and crayons again, and I received LOTS of pictures!

"Smiling" for the camera

Lagina loved to sit on my lap and be tickled!

LOVE this pic of a little girl named Anne!

This was my favorite girl I met. Her name was Dielle and she was probably 5 or 6 years old. After a while, she fell asleep in my lap. I REALLY wanted to take her home with me! :)

After I told Dielle I had to leave, she didn't smile again. I was so close to tears, I couldn't talk to anyone. :( Really hope I get to see her again someday...

2010-06-26T11:32:00.005-05:00

On Thursday, we went to a school right next to an orphanage to do a clinic. This day was nice because we left from there a little earlier than usual.

This boy wanted Luke to take a picture of him with the mermaid coloring book...? Lol!

Orphans watching us drive away

When we left the orphanage, we didn't notice the enormous rain clouds in the distance. A few minutes into the hour and a half drive to the hotel, it started POURING rain! The tarp we tried to drape over us was completely ineffective due to the many rips in it. Despite the amused looks from the community, we sang hymns ALL THE WAY BACK! By the end, no piece of luggage or person had a dry spot on them!

Patti Griggs and Tori wrestling with the tarp

2010-06-26T11:29:00.002-05:00

This breathtaking sunrise yesterday morning looked like it belonged on a postcard.

2010-06-26T11:21:00.003-05:00

This is the waiting area at the airport in Haiti.

A few pics from the Mighty Men "manhood" retreat

2010-06-15T23:06:00.002-05:00

Since my daughter tells me that a blog is completely boring with no pictures, here are a few from the Mighty Men retreat last weekend. Randy had the boys swim from the middle of the lake to shore and then pull this railroad tie for over 2 miles in the blazing heat. They did an AMAZING job of working together! A FAR cry from where they started 4 years ago! :)

Cousin Annie came to the end of the retreat and then came home with us for a week. I'll try to post more from that visit soon...

This was the best pic we could get of these mighty warriors on the sleepy Sunday a.m.

Garry and Corey - lots of fun in the water. I love these guys!

thankful for friends

2010-06-15T22:50:00.002-05:00

Okay, so I'm 37 years old now and I guess you could say that I feel the "middle-aged" season approaching. Life just feels different. I've got a daughter who will be a TEENAGER next month, I don't care near as much what people think about me, and I'm pulling out these crazy gray hairs (which are well-camoflauged - sp? - due to the fact that I'm a ditzy blonde)! And, oh yeah, I think it's time for some sort of makeover because I can't seem to conceal the dark circles under my eyes anymore. Whatever. Here's what I'm overwhelmed with in this new season: I am so incredibly thankful for the friendships that have been orchestrated by God over the past several years. OVERWHELMED with gratitude. I mean, really. If I didn't have the handful of women who have walked with me through lots of life, this season wouldn't be as sweet. If I didn't have them, I'm pretty sure I would go bananas. If I didn't have them, I wouldn't know the sweetness of Christ. I wouldn't be able to taste His beauty in the same way. They are the ones who have shown me what it means to be vulnerable, to walk in grace, to walk by the Spirit. They are strong and confident prayer warriors and are powerful forces in the kingdom of God. I love to laugh with them and raise my kids with them. I love my husband better because of them. They have seen all my junk and I have found the unconditional love of Christ in them. I am just utterly AMAZED and OVERWHELMED with GRATITUDE ladies! I know this is a cheesy post, but I've been pondering it a lot lately - you know who you are and you are deeply cherished! Praise God for the gift of your lives!

song for the week :)

2010-06-13T22:33:00.002-05:00

Lyrics from "The Desert Song" by Hillsong's United

Verse 1:
This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides

Verse 2:
And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

Chorus:
And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain

I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

Verse 3:
And this is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

Bridge:
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

Verse 4:
This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow

Heard this song on a cd I've had since Xmas for the first time a couple of days ago. Need these words over and over again right now!

blogworthy quote...

2010-05-25T21:30:00.002-05:00

So today Isaac walks in and says with a bit of passion, but matter-of-factly (is that a word?): "Mom! Luke needs Dad's flashlight because he lost 2 pieces of his gum in my crack [pronounced 'cwack']!" I just sat there trying to decide when to bust out laughing. He didn't get how funny it was - he was just referring to the space between his bed and the wall. You wouldn't believe how many things have gotten lost, stuck, or found in his CWACK! LOL!!

human trafficking in the USA

2010-05-20T10:25:00.004-05:00

WARNING: If you don't want to be held accountable for the poor and don't know about human trafficking in our country, then stay ignorant and don't read this post. I'm really not trying to be rude. I'm serious. About one month ago, I was completely clueless and so I couldn't do anything. Now that I know, I am held accountable by the One who deeply cares about the chains of injustice.

Okay. I don't know if any of this will make sense because I'm "full" and overwhelmed and it might be hard to communicate my thoughts, but I guess this is just the story of one thing God is currently doing - in my own heart and in our country in general. I get together on a regular basis with a couple of friends for coffee and we've been doing this for a couple of years. Our late night conversations have covered a VAST range of topics and have knit our hearts together and kept us sane! :) About a month ago, one of them told me I had to read this book called Renting Lacy but she told me not to read it when I was depressed - it had made her physically sick. So I borrowed it and read it. Prior to reading this book, here's what I thought about prostitution in our country (keep in mind that I see prostitutes on the streets of my own neighborhood). I believed that although they probably had less-than-ideal home situations growing up, they had made some bad choices and chosen this "profession" because they could make good money and support drug habits, etc. I believed they wanted to be there and that they should be "punished" through incarceration because what they're doing is horrible. I believed that while there were some "sicko" situations, in general, prostitution "incidents" were just men looking for sex (married or not) who got what they needed and moved on. All of those sterotypical thoughts have been shattered. I love it and hate it when the Lord moves in and changes our stereotypes and perspectives. I have heard of and read a little about sex trafficking of girls in other countries, esp India. We have contributed money through World Vision and other ways to help rescue those girls. I was disturbed when I heard about those girls, but I was shocked (which is an understatement) to learn about what is going on here in the US and specifically in the Metroplex, and even more specifically, my own neighborhood. Renting Lacy was written by an former Congresswoman who became an advocate for these girls when she discovered what was going on. I was ignorant (and still am on one level, praise God) of the depravity of man (rich and poor). Here's what's happening. Typical profile of a prostitute: Girl who has a bad homelife - maybe abused, one parent at home, maybe a runaway, wants a better situation. The pimps know how to spot them so they pretend to be a sweet boyfriend and "romance" them, sometimes for months. Then they do this weird brainwashing or just take them and they then "belong" to them. These guys are business men and they are running huge and profitable businesses. I went to a meeting the other night about this and it is the second-largest and fastest-growing criminal activity in the world. It is predicted that it will soon surpass drugs - they can only sell drugs one time; they can sell a child over and over again. The porn industry has made this business skyrocket, for obvious reasons. They have these girls doing online porn and then men who are looking for prostitutes want younger and younger girls (I am talking 12 and 13 year olds) because it's what they're watching. So porn addiction is not only about purity, it's about oppressing the poor. Heavy. So if you see an 18-19 year old prostitute, many of them have been doing it since they were as young as 12 and there really is no easy way out. They are threatened, etc. And not only that, these girls are the ones that are prosecuted while the johns are let go and the pimps are rarely caught. Yeah, it's REALLY messed up. So the meeting I attended Tuesday p.m. was done by this ministry called Traffick911. It was started by a woman from Dallas and they are currently in the planning stage for opening 3 shelters in this area. There are just a handful of shelters across the nation. We are sending lots of money and monitoring sex trafficking in other countries, but we have done very little for our own children! Anyway, Texas is the leader in the nation for this business and Dallas/Fort Worth are the leading cities in the nation. Traffick911 (traffick911.org) is in the process of organizing a huge awareness/rescue effort for the SuperBowl in 2011 because big sporting events mean high demand. And as long as there is demand, there will continue to be suppliers. The speaker said that people are already renting their houses out for thousands of dollars and some of those homes will be turned into brothels for the weekend. Another thing I learned was that Craigs List is making millions on these ads for child prostitutes - they know about it and will do nothing to stop it. You can read about that on this link: (and I've looked at them and some of those girls are definitely under 18)

http://humantrafficking.change.org/blog/view/craigslist_makes_36_million_from_illegal_sex_ads

So after this woman's presentation I went up to her and asked her about Como - she said it was "huge", meaning the problem is huge here. I think I knew that, but it was still so sobering. I think all of us who attented that meeting are still a bit "shaken up" just trying to sort through it all and pray and see where God wants us to go next with what we now know. One of my friends just keeps saying "He is stronger and He is bigger!" Just a few weeks ago, RB and I spoke at our church's training school and one of the things I talked about was something this Brazilian church planter said to us back when we were in training school. He said that there is a demonic spirit of Poverty and it will rise up, look you in the face, and say "Fix THIS!" It is just too overwhelming and too big...IF we take our eyes off Jesus. What I told the class that night was that if we let ourselves get "under" the darkness, we will no longer be effective and will stop bringing the light to the very places that need it the most. SO I've been trying to listen to the voice of God this week and take my own advice (ha, ha) because it's so easy to let the darkness of this situation creep into the very depths of your soul. But so thankful for the Body of Christ, and God is clearly moving to bring people to awareness and then to action. Really can't wait to see what He is about to do here in the Metroplex and although these last few weeks have been sobering, it is exciting to get to be a part of His mission.

So I write all of this to make maybe a few people aware. We're talking about 300,000 kids in our country and the Lord needs us to rise up and not ignore the cry of the poor, in this case, children. I know I'll never look at the kids who show up at my doorstep in the same way again. More later...I'm full of so much that God is revealing right now! But have terrible sore throat and have to go sleep while I can!

Happy Birthday Josiah!

2010-05-14T07:17:00.004-05:00

Breakfast birthday cake yesterday morning (that's why he looks a little sleepy).

Didn't get this posted yesterday, but wanted to wish my sweet ELEVEN year old Happy Birthday! So proud of Josiah! Love his leadership, hard work, and the way he loves to analyze/figure things out - seeing engineer on fire for Jesus?? :) He is growing in Jesus and I can't wait to see what God does in his sweet heart this year! Love you Josiah! And isn't he handsome? :)

Piper Joy - 6 months old today!

2010-05-12T22:52:00.003-05:00

Just wanted to take a few pics today of my littlest one - cannot believe it's been 6 months! She really is a joy and we all love her. Can't imagine our family without her! I crack up when I think about how different her "babyhood" is from that of her oldest sister. MK's world was so QUIET and scheduled and orderly. Piper's is LOUD (and she always has someone in her face) with a relatively flexible routine and not much order. I started baby food on the day MK turned 4 months old and I introduced new foods "by the book." Piper still isn't eating solids and one day recently I decided to see what would happen if I gave her a little bite of banana. Maybe I'll start soon - but it's such a PAIN?!?! Never missed a well-check or scheduled vaccination with MK. I still haven't gone to Piper's 4-month-old check up. MK had a baby book the size of Nebraska by the time she was 3 months old AND a "life book" that is in progress. Piper might get a scrapbook...when she's 20. Love this journey of motherhood and how the seasons are always changing. Piper seems like she's okay with her crazy life. :)

one of her favorite faces - squinchy nose

My sweet 12-year-old (with BRACES!)

2010-05-08T22:46:00.002-05:00

my men planting me some flowers

2010-05-08T22:43:00.002-05:00

bad hair cut, but oh-so-cute with his messy self!

2010-05-08T22:40:00.001-05:00

confession

2010-04-24T22:12:00.002-05:00

Confession: today I wish I didn't live in the hood. There. I said it. A stay at Blackberry Farm is sounding really good about now - maybe for like 6 months?? :)

More creative photography by McKenna

2010-04-21T23:29:00.002-05:00

Friends came over a couple of weeks ago and McKenna went to town with my camera. I've started handing it to her almost every time now! And she's starting to experiment with editing and having a lot of fun! Love that girl!

Eden

Isaac and Lyren

Catherine

Maisie - do you not just want to eat her up?

love this one!

dancing

2010-04-21T22:35:00.002-05:00

Awkward. I hear the music. It's beautiful and I can envision what I look like when my feet and body glide effortlessly across the floor. But I don't look like the woman in my mind's eye. Awkward. The woman in my mind is passionate...joyful...unencumbered...welcoming...hospitable....Reality is awkward. My feet just won't move quite right. I feel like I'm trying to dance a dance that I was never intended to dance (a lie from the pit of hell, but still how I FEEL). I stumble. I try to stick with the beat, but I'm off again. I just look...awkward.

But it's worth it, right? The dance of community, specifically community with children, is worth it. Even now, as I write, I hear the sound of police helicopters overhead, circling our "hood" again. Second time today I've heard them (with all the emergency vehicles I see on my street and over my head, I don't know why anyone ever thinks that I would struggle with feeling safe here. LOL!). Community. Christ was all about it. He still is, especially with children. Which is why I long to not fight against it anymore! And while I am talking about community with my own children on one level, I'm mostly talking about neighborhood kids. Don't think a day has gone by recently when there weren't at least 2 at my door (yesterday a.m. 3 brothers were fully dressed for school and knocking at 5:50 a.m. They needed to use the phone - were wondering where their mama had disappeared to in the middle of the night...not particularly worried, just curious. I know her and I knew she was somewhere getting high. Maybe they just choose not to know anymore). I long to elegantly fling my front door open wide, ushering them into a safe haven, while providing them with food for body and soul. But the reality is that I'm awkward. Conversation is awkward. I'm mostly trying to figure out when I can ask them to leave. But today there was small breakthrough and I think I figured out one small dance step in the complicated rhythm. As I peered through my window and saw three girls approaching from down the street, I started praying out loud, "Lord, please give me Your welcoming spirit" (because, really, can you tell me that even when He had to say "no" or turn people away that they didn't somehow still feel welcomed?) and saying "Act happy to see them...Act happy to see them." Today I didn't make them ask to enter, I invited them in. Today I let them watch me as I bathed my 5-month-old. Today, I let the oldest one hold Piper for me while I did some chores around the house. Today, I asked them how school was and I learned that they had "science day" and that the eldest is working on a science project, a solar oven. Today, I talked about Earth Day with them and we tried to find some info about it on the internet together. And when I had to leave to go run errands, they asked to come with me....I had to say no and the parting felt awkward, but they've never asked before (at least not these particular girls). I wish that the steps I practiced today had been smoother. I wish that I had offered them the banana before they had to ask. I wish that we had read together and that I had been more affectionate and "mothering". I wish I had talked about Jesus and overflowed with the Word of God. BUT, the few steps that I got right today were Holy Spirit led and ordained by Father. Next time I will add a few more steps, and a few more after that. And I know that somehow, God is being glorified even in the midst of my tripped-up-awkward dancing. I love that my God is the God who uses the weak of the world to confound the wise. And I'm thankful that He is the One I get to dance with....Grace. It's a Grace dance.

Thoughts on my wife

2010-04-13T07:23:00.002-05:00

Recently I had the opportunity to spend the day with 6 of my children without the loving presence of their mother. She had Piper (the 5 month old) with her. I noticed it was difficult. They are all great kids, but physically managing 6 kids proved to be a bit of a challenge. This is not profound, mind you, but I just felt the need to honor this woman who not only takes care of me, but cares for 7 children on an almost constant basis. Whenever I have spent a day caring for the kids, it seems appropriate for me to get a long nap or something similarly restful. I have no doubt that when Anda finishes her stent as a mother there will be a good nap waiting for her in heaven. :)
Randy

The First Mighty Man to drive!?

2010-04-02T21:28:00.004-05:00

Our sweet D'Leeland got his driver's license about a month ago and has been loving it! Randy made a deal with him - he goes to a tutoring learning center twice a week and he gets to use...drumroll, please...the beautiful cadillac!! (some of you may not be aware that my husband purchased a 1984 BLUE cadillac sedan deville a few months back...we're still not sure why, but people here in our neighborhood think he's really cool - or I guess they think D'Leeland's cool now). Anyway! We love D'Leeland and we are so proud of him!

Yes, this car is longer than our Suburban!!!

This one is cuter!

2010-04-02T21:25:00.001-05:00

Okay, I'm sorry, but I thought THIS picture was the cutest one of my lipstick boy! It only took it 2 1/2 days to come off. This kid has the whole family wrapped around his little finger right now. :)

"...and all who touched Him were healed."

2010-04-02T21:12:00.003-05:00

THANK YOU JESUS! I cannot describe the dry desert of a place I've been in lately. Tonight the Lord has shown up and watered my parched soul. This a.m. while having my quiet time in the Suburban (okay, give me a break, it's the ONLY place where no one can interrupt me - well, one of my precious blessings was actually banging on the living room window motioning to me to come inside, but I was able to resist :)), I begged God to speak to me. I've just been paralyzed and feeling "yuck" spiritually. I thought I heard Matthew 14. I read verses 22-36 (Jesus and Peter walking on the water) and realized that I have been obsessed with the wind and the waves surrounding me and have completely forgotten to fix my eyes on Him. But Jesus is not slow to reach out His hand and catch me, even as He gently rebukes me for having so little faith. I ask Him to just let me touch Him so that I could once again be healed. So tonight as I'm holding my littlest I turn on my "labor" playlist and worship as I slowly dance with her in the dark. I'm playing "her song" (yes, she still cuddles up and relaxes the instant she hears "You'll Come" by Hillsong - I'm dying to know at what point in my labor this song was playing!!) and He does come. And I get to touch Him - and He touches me. I couldn't stop telling Him how much I loved Him as the reality of what He has done began cracking the hardened places of my heart. I had just shared the story of the cross two different times with my children and the words wielded their power! Overwhelmed. I love Him so much!

We are so broken...we are SO broken!! I told little PJ tonight that she is so broken, but He has COME! And it is her destiny to proclaim the joy that is ours as we get to walk in freedom! Cannot wait until Sunday!

Malachi and Moriah

2010-03-31T21:32:00.002-05:00

Malachi somehow hoisted himself into the kitchen sink. We're not sure why.

I know it looks like we beat the boy, but that is his mother's lipstick which he artfully applied to himself. We don't know why. It was her good lipstick. The kind that lasts for weeks. We washed it, but it didn't really help much. It will make for a memorable family Easter picture.
Normally I don't brag as a father, but I just felt compelled to share that Moriah scored two goals in the 2nd soccer game of her life. She is loving soccer, and we're enjoying watching her play. Isn't she cute?

Randy

Admirer or Follower?

2010-03-30T10:37:00.005-05:00

Been feeling heavy lately thinking about what it really means to follow Jesus. Sunday, the sermon was on believing Jesus and here are the four "categories" that he talked about that we find ourselves in: 1)believing the stories about Jesus (Muslims and Buddhists do this), 2)believing in Jesus (usually the salvation experience), 3) believing Jesus, and 4) believing what Jesus believes. Do we really believe Jesus? Like do we really believe that it's better to lose our lives for the sake of the gospel? Do we really believe that we should love our enemies and pray for those that persecute us? Do we really believe that suffering is what we are called to - I mean, really? Do we really believe that we are supposed to LOVE the poor? Do we really believe that we will do greater things than Jesus? There are a thousand other questions that will really send you to your knees when you start to ponder them. And what does it mean to believe what Jesus believes?! Wow! And then I just read this quote from Kierkegaard:

"And Christ's life indeed makes it manifest, terrifyingly manifest, what dreadful untruth it is to admire the truth instead of following it. When there is no danger, when there is a dead calm,when everything is favorable to our Christianity, then it is all too easy to confuse an admirer with a follower.

And this can happen very quietly. The admirer can be under the delusion that the position he takes is the true one, when all he is doing is playing it safe. Give heed, therefore, to the call of discipleship!

If you have any knowledge of human nature, who can doubt that Judas was an admirer of Christ?

Youch! I don't want to forfeit grace and fall under condemnation (because that is from the enemy), but there's no doubt that it's easy to become apathetic and stop asking the hard questions that wake us from a dangerous slumber. I know that I need to be awakened right now. I am feeling the suffocating consequences of becoming a bit too self-centered instead of cross-centered lately. I have satisfied myself (although it is quite UNsatisfying) on a diet of media, unhealthy (literal) food, and whatever other distractions I think will bring temporary relief instead of feeding my soul on the WORD OF GOD and on BEING with Him. I can say all the right things and know quite a bit, but am I REALLY following Him right now as a disciple and not just a "fan club" member?

The fact that God called me to a no-drugs delivery with Piper has come up over and over again over the past few months. I have a close friend who is always talking about doing life with "no drugs" - not trying to escape the pain/hard stuff, but just walking through it. At World Mandate this year, Jimmy Siebert even used a powerful analogy of the epidural (and was quick to point out that he's not trying to make a statement about whether it's okay or not to use on in actual childbirth - I'm not either). Anyway, his point was that when you have no epidural you can feel where to push. When you have an epidural, you can't really feel anything and someone has to tell you when and how to push - as a result, many women end up pushing from their neck up because they can't feel anything else. He made the very powerful point that in America we are experts at trying to avoid the pain and we therefore push with our HEADS! Everything is about what we can reason out or THINK through and we stop feeling the pain/going to the pain because we have anesthesized ourselves to death! Sobering and true. Missing some joy right now. Know enough of life to know that JOY is going to come when I stop trying to be in control and let Him take me wherever He wants to this year. I'll put one of my journal entries concerning that later, but I need to go enjoy the beautiful spring weather with my kids at the park right now! Woo-hoo! Feeling more encouraged than I have in a while! He is always faithful to break through the hard places in our hearts!

Safe Saint's Prayer

2010-03-30T06:22:00.007-05:00

"Thank you God for food and drink,

My shoes, my socks, the kitchen sink.

Thank you for my home and friends,

And all the blessings Jesus sends;

Anda thank you also for the cross

I hear you suffered quite a loss."

"The cross?" I hear my neighbor query,

"What is this which, like a cherry,

You reach in prayer with bended knee

To pluck from off the blessing tree?"

"It is the place where Christ was killed

That I will blessing might be filled.

He suffered there upon the tree

That all my blessings might be free."

"I see," said neighbor, "thinking deep.

He bought for you a life of sleep.

Forgive me, Saint, for I thought he

Did offer His same life to thee."

"I would not steal his glory, friend,

For on the cross his work did end.

The Word says Jesus paid my price.

To pay myself would not be nice."

"I quite agree my neighbor spoke.

You can pay nothing. You are broke.

But it is not dishonoring

To walk the footsteps of your king;

To worship him in word and deed

And not just in your lifeless creed."

May God bless us all to embrace the cross of Christ this Easter. Randy

my cute baby girl

2010-03-26T21:18:00.002-05:00

already helping mom with laundry! :)

the girls' new beds!

2010-03-26T20:58:00.004-05:00

So my hubby and I are trying to figure out how to fit another dresser in the girls' small room because we don't have a place for their clothes and suddenly RB is making plans for built-in bunk beds and scheming with our "builder" friend, Richard, about how to make it happen! They really are awesome! Wish I could sleep in there!

WARNING: this post won't be so encouraging

2010-03-21T21:43:00.003-05:00

I think it's a bit ironic that I stood in front of a group of about 40 women 4-5 weeks ago sharing about how I had been delivered from depression and I've been under a funk without seeming to be able to get out from under it ever since. I can logically tell you that it's because I'm tired - really tired. Unfortunately, the kind of tired that I can't see the end of. Even now, I've been trying to put children to bed for the past 2 hours. Malachi just can't seem to get comfortable tonight. Sigh. He's now sitting beside me. I don't think there is a time in my life right now when I go longer than 2 hours without SOMEONE touching me...or asking me a question...or wanting FOOD (solid or breast)...or needing to be tucked in...or needing me to hold them...or needing help with any number of things...or...oh, I give up complaining. This little guy beside me is just too cute. I feel guilty - a lot of guilt, actually - for complaining at all. What do I have going on in life that's so bad? Nothing. Sometimes, though, God uses the everyday, mundane demands to stretch and grow me. Maybe these are harder in some ways than the crisis because we can see that we don't have the "right" to complain. There just doesn't seem to be justification for my whining. (is there ever? :)) But I have to say that I feel really S-T-R-E-T-C-H-E-D right now. Granted, I've slept hardly at all in the past 4 days, and not very well for the several weeks before that. Sleep deprivation makes a woman nuts. I'm real close to the edge (I don't really know what edge - just know I'm there). Prospects for sleep tonight looking dim. Malachi has ulcers in his mouth and he's just crying. Keeps waking him up. Not much I can do. Now both babies crying. You can see why I've blogged very little lately. Gotta go. The truth is that God does see mamas and He doesn't let go.

the swing

2010-03-07T22:16:00.004-06:00

Today we returned home from a weekend trip to Midland to see our families. For those of you who don't know, we both grew up there and were high school "sweethearts" (for most of high school, that is. RB dumped me during my junior year/his senior year, but that's another long story). Anyway, we were staying at his parents house in his old bedroom and as I looked out the second story window onto their balcony, I started reminiscing about our time on this swing. If this swing could only play back all the conversations it heard some 18-20 years ago! We would sit here for hours dreaming about the future and what our life together would look like. We prayed many prayers here, held hands, cried, laughed, and just acted plain goofy! And when God brought us back together in college, we returned to this swing where we would sit for hours at night just being in love again. And it was on this swing that Randy kissed me for the first time. In high school we actually never kissed while we were dating, but when we got back together in college this is where my husband surrendered his first kiss ever - to me. Yes, I just got sentimental as I thought about all that God has done since those early years. It makes me laugh and cry to think about how our dreams back then compare to the reality that has been our adventure. Our lives look a little different than I thought they would as a 20 year old...and I'm SO thankful!! Wouldn't trade one single part of the story for another. I love my man, and I love what God started on this swing...I got our budding photographer, McKenna, to take some "artistic" shots of us on our swing!

silence

2010-03-07T22:05:00.002-06:00

I should be in bed. Everyone has been asleep for at least 45 minutes and I'm still up. Had a free drink coupon for Starbucks, though, and just ran out to get a Frappucino with Jesus before I start my week. As I drove around for about 15 minutes all by myself, I flipped on the radio and heard this little interview with some author about her practice of silence for the last 17 years. She wasn't a believer, but she had some good insights. Practicing a day of silence once a week for the past several years has made her a better listener. It has made her slow down and notice things around her, increasing her gratitude. She pointed out that we our world is so noisy now - if not with actual noise, then with activity. She attributed most of that to technology. Even if we're not speaking, we're on the internet (yes, guilty as charged! :)). When asked why we do that, she said that it's because we're trying to escape from ourselves. Certainly not always true, but how often do I get on this computer or play with our latest gadget (or see my kids do this) because I am trying to escape something else? I am full of a growing passion right now for reading and the power of words - that's for another post, but her words made me think. How much more difficult is it to hear God and anyone else when we can't seem to slow down and LISTEN? I think I may try this discipline of silence in our family soon because I've definitely noticed that we are not quite yet as skilled as we could be in the Jesus art of listening to people. :) Blah, blah. Just some random thoughts I wanted to record before I forget. I'll blog about one of the many things on my heart, hopefully sometime this week. Reading aloud, literacy, beauty and the poor, the Bible study that God has started on our street, kids and character training, Holy Spirit and His life lived through us, gratitude for our church Body....

the wisk in my head

2010-02-24T22:08:00.005-06:00

Quiet. All I can hear is the hum of the dryer. Wish all the laundry - all 10 loads of it - was folded. Not tonight.

Wish I had words to describe what God is doing in my heart and mind. Too tired tonight. But lets just say that today I felt like there was a wisk (is this the way you spell this word?!) in my head. Scrambled brain. Does anyone know what I'm talking about? (if you do, I'm quite sure you're a woman - no man can fully comprehend how this happens). I felt like I couldn't put two thoughts together. Tomorrow promises to be worse if God doesn't show up and take the wisk away!

Saturday - my hubby and I had one of the worse days we've had together in a long time - a little trouble readjusting to life together upon his return from Haiti.

Sunday p.m. - had life group here - around 30 people including our family

Monday pm. - helped RB lead a Bible study down at the apartments - awkward and beautiful

Tuesday p.m. - a few neighborhood girls had dinner with us (unexpectedly, of course)

Wednesday p.m. - 5 Mighty Men and one Mighty Mentor came and inhaled our leftovers from the past 3 days; they arrive after I send six other neighborhood kids home for the night

Tomorrow - we will celebrate Luke's b'day because I won't be in town this weekend and

Moriah will go to her first soccer practice; I'll have to send the neighborhood kids home because I don't think I can do 12 or 13 kids while trying to get Luke's bday dinner ready...

Friday a.m. - I leave to go to a mommy conference with Sally Clarkson until Sunday a.m. Can I just say that I AM SO EXCITED!!!!!! Think maybe I need a little break.

I have no idea why I'm writing all this down. I think maybe I needed to see that there is a reason my brain is feeling spacey! I just read this great blog post about this single girl who lives in Africa and has adopted 11-12 orphans. She was commenting about the fact that someone kept saying to her that they would love to do what she does and would do it in a heartbeat if they could. She got angry because she didn't believe the woman really would because she hadn't counted the cost. She loves what she's doing and wouldn't trade it for the world, but it is not glamorous. When I write about the events of my week, it would be easy to "glamorize" it and I could make it sound adventurous. Truth is that I've been clinging to Jesus in desperation this week. It has felt like transition in labor when you want to quit with everything in you, but that's really just not an option. Sigh. I'm thankful for these times in which I realize again how much I need Him - not to just come and give me something or "fix" some situation...I need HIM. I need HIM to come and LIVE HIS life through me, not just help me out. There has, and will continue to be, much grace for this adventure He has invited us to.

Can hear hubby snoring in my bedroom. Dryer has stopped. Time for this mama to go to bed. Will start again tomorrow with the new mercies that are mine at each day's dawn....Maybe a little snack first - I don't have to share at this time of night. :)

This is what my scrambled head knows: He. Is. Good. Infinitely good.

Here are a couple of pics:

MK took this one of Isaac and flower - like it!

Narnia like view from our front door a couple of weeks ago - beautiful

Nana, we really like our bench cushion and pillows - it's a favorite reading hangout for all the kids! :)

Back from Haiti

2010-02-17T11:59:00.004-06:00

Boy with a broken arm. No that is not a backwards elbow.
This is the AMI team I went with. They were incredible. Prayerful. Hard working. Really fun people to be with. It was amazing how God put just the right people on our team to do what needed to be done. Several of the team members had been to Sri Lanka after the tsunami. Lexia (in the black hat) went on a 2 week trip and ended up staying there for 4 1/2 years to build a community with 80 homes, and help plant a church.
One of the many buildings that had been destroyed. The destruction was so wide, that there is no way to do justice with pictures. Haiti was broken before the earthquake. There is no hope for making things right except Jesus, and his people.

Back from Haiti

2010-02-17T11:47:00.003-06:00

Alan was running the non-medical part of the Wesleyan camp. He had been there for about 2 weeks and got sick. This is him getting some IV fluids under the tree. He ended up going home the next day. It was amazing to see how God provided new people to fill in the gaps just when they were needed.
This is the middle of the clinic where whe did wound care. Almost everything was done outside because we didn't have much room, and because people were still afraid to be inside. This is one of the Haitian nurses who was volunteering to help.
The shed you see was built by the marines after the earthquake. It was our ICU where we kept really sick patients. The flag is marking the Spanish area. The Spanish Armada set up a clinic every day on our compound. They were great. They brought in an ultrasound some days, and when we had really sick patients who needed surgery, they were able to get some of them onto their floating hospital ship to operate on them. I enjoyed getting to use my rudimentary Spanish skills to communicate with them.

Back from Haiti

2010-02-17T11:34:00.002-06:00

This is the delivery table where moms had their babies. We sometimes even covered it with a paper gown to make it more comfortable. Outside that window was the outdoor clinic where hundreds of people were sitting outside listening to the women as they labored.
This is Dr. Liza and her dad Bob. Bob is a retired neurosurgeon and Liza is a wonderful ER doctor from St. Louis. She basically ran the medical part of things. She was amazing.
This group of firefighters from Portland was a great help. They started IVs, treated wounds, carried people on stretchers, and did anything else we needed them to do.

Back from Haiti

2010-02-17T11:17:00.003-06:00

This is Fred, who served, along with 2 of his brothers, as our translators. He is my new hero. He is a young Haitian man who lost several friends in the earthquake. He was sitting with 3 friends when the earthquake hit. He and one friend ran one direction and survived. The other 2 ran another direction and were killed. The night of the earthquake he heard a man crying for help. The man was distraught because his wife was in labor with nobody to help. It was her 5th delivery, and all 4 of the others had died in childbirth. Fred stayed with them for 4 hours and delivered the baby all by himself. He had never even seen a childbirth before. No gloves, no instruments, nobody there to ask questions of; just the love of Jesus in his heart--and the baby was born healthy and strong.
Moriah sent a sack of beanie babies for me to give away in Haiti, so each newborn baby went home with a little gift.
This is Michael Johnson, my new doctor friend. He is a surgeon from Philadelphia, who has been a missionary to Kenya for the past 20 years. He was in the US to speak at a Christian doctors conference, and his wife called him from Nairobe and encouraged him to spend a few days in Haiti. He ended up on the truck with us coming home from the airport and got adopted onto our team. He stayed behind after our team left Petit Guave and served as the director of our little "hospital" until the next doctor arrives from St. Louis.

Going to Haiti

2010-02-06T23:22:00.003-06:00

Today around noon a friend of mine called me. He is the youth pastor at a church in Waco that has been working in Haiti since 5 days after the earthquake struck. They are sending their 4th consecutive team next Tuesday, and one of the doctors had to cancel. My friend asked if I would be willing to go. I had already talked about going later in the month with the team he will be leading, but the dates didn't work out. It just so happens that the dates for this 4th team's trip are about the only dates in February that I could go.

So I said yes.

We are planning to fly out of Dallas next Tuesday around 7 am and return the following Tuesday.

Please pray for me. I will need God's wisdom to know how to help people medically. I will need God's supernatural power to heal people that only He can heal. I need God to fill my heart with His love so I will be able to care about people and not grow selfish or weary.

Please pray for Anda, who will be staying home with 7 kids. No great adventure. Very little praise. Just faithfully serving in our home. She is wonderful. Pray for God to give her joy and strength. Her job as a mom right now is very physically difficult, especially with a baby.

I'm serious about asking you to pray. I wanted people to know I'm going to Haiti, but mostly I blogged this so that people would pray. Thank you.

Randy